Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable
Sex Life: September

This month: Cosmo and Maxim translate your body language.

By Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the stupidest tips and make fun of them.

The summer has come and gone. August vacations are coming to an end and everyone is heading back to work. With the new season comes a new focus — it's time to get back in the saddle and keep your eye on the prize. (Sex. That means sex.) Unfortunately, the opposite sex has gotten no less baffling in recent months. Their hoo-has and wieners are still enigmas wrapped in riddles. Fortunately, this month's mags are laden with advice for how to decode the opposite sex, with their weird bodies and complicated behaviors.

Cosmopolitan:

This month, Cosmo tells us that, in relationships, "communication is key." But, before panic sets in, they assure us that this doesn't mean talking. (God forbid.) "You don't need to have a heart-to-heart, or even talk at all, to stay tight." Instead, they promise to divulge "which touches will do everything from bringing your guy out of a funk to preventing a fight."

When you need to apologize, "Reach over and grab his knee." To this, they helpfully add, "while you're both sitting," lest you confuse this maneuver with a variation on the leg-sweep takedown. The secret success of the move stems from the fact that, by reaching down, you are "bowing" slightly, to show you're "contrite." Also, the knee is "a neutral territory." (Which is to say, it's unlike Palestine, the Falklands, and his penis.)

Then, there is the classic, "Grasp his hands and coax them into a prayer position, then position hands over his." This for when you want him to do something he doesn't want to do. "Your words [will] become more persuasive to him, though he won't know why." Aside from the fact that it requires standing like a pair of interlocking monks, the great thing about this suggestion is its impossible to tell who it makes look dumber: you, or your bewildered mate.

Men's Health:

On the manly side of the great divide, we're also into body language this month. Whereas Cosmo has you frantically scratching at his hairline, in hopes of triggering the nerve ending that will make him good at oral sex, or something, Menshealth.com takes a more rigorous approach. After all, getting laid is a science — approximately two parts chemistry and one part statistics, with a dash of totally inadvisable weirdness.

Step one: Is she into you?
"If she's feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate." If it's too dark in the bar to see her pupils, ask the bartender — he probably has a flashlight.

Step two: Condoms are expensive
"If she's blinking more than normal (which is about fifteen times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink thirty-two percent more than those who aren't." Just hold her chin with one hand, and use the other to make tick marks on your arm each time she blinks. (Hopefully, the bartender also has a stopwatch.) This is definitely the easiest method; according to a Nerve office study, 100% of women think it's totally a turn-off when a guy tests their blood for progesterone on a first date.

Step three: Dance
Now that you've learned she's a) horny and b) not going to have babies, you can proceed to the boning.  "If you're looking to get her into the party spirit, don't feed her more alcohol. Instead, feed the jukebox." Never mind the less-than-flattering connotations of the word "feed" — while she's dancing, you can rummage through her purse, to make sure you were right about the birth control!

Step four: Skipping ahead a bit...
"Treat her to a breakfast in bed consisting of warmed banana nut bread, which has an aroma that, according to one study, increases bloodflow to the vagina." Warmed banana nut bread? Obviously. We feel sorry for all those chumps out there slaving over green mango waffles for their lady-friends.

Maxim:

This month, our favorite lad mag also dedicates some inches to the art of touch. Of course, since the writers' median age seems to be around sixteen, the article is a list of behaviors that indicate a woman is dishonest. They are not to be confused with "things normal people do."

Does she touch her face, fold her hands, or play with objects in front of her? She is full of deceit. Does she mumble when she talks, or get uncomfortable when you rapidly change the subject? She cannot be trusted. Does she use contractions like "can't" and "won't?" The truth is not in her.

There may have been another point to this article, but we can't remember it. We kept getting distracted by the inset on the same page, which had all these shiny pictures of a super-fast boat that — wait for it — comes with a super-fast car inside of it. For driving really fast... at sea!

Bonus:

Perhaps the greatest Cosmo headline ever graces this month's cover: "Untamed Va-Jay-Jays." Two words, five syllables, one euphemistic amphibrach – a promise of herds of hoo-has running free within. Instead, upon opening the magazine, we get a let-down of a list (in glaring pink) called "Would You Do This To Your Vagina?" (Tune in for next month's feature, "What Would Your Vagina Do?" or WWYVD.)

The list compiles some of the latest trends in vaginal style: temporary vaginal tattoos (glow-in-the-dark is optional), kegel-exercising panties ($125 per pair), and having pubic hair. Seriously. It's pretty swell of them to accept a pubic style more hirsute than the Brazilian, but our inner feminists cringed a little to see pubic hair ranked two spots below vajazzling.

And finally, because this column wouldn't be complete without it, one Cosmo suggestion for an everyday object you can misappropriate for some messy sexy time: conditioner. "Rub it over your torso while getting it on... so you'll glide smoothly against him." And, your pubes will be silky soft. If you still have them.