9. "Out at dinner, massage him over his pants — stop when he becomes hard. You want him to squirm throughout the meal like a two-year-old who needs to pee."
No, stop. Cut it out. Restaurants are places full of people working and eating who have not consented to be part of your sex games. And yes, everyone can see. Oh, and conflating over-the-pants stealth handies with the image of a "two-year old who needs to pee" is just... ew.

10. "Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."
I’ve been bouncing this one around in my head for a couple days, and I think I have to give respect where it’s due: the level of specificity, coupled with the dirty-Martha-Stewart intensity of actually washing coins (at least an hour before sex!) is just sublime. They're really swinging for the fences here. Now, will it actually be pleasurable? Who wants to slather up their vulva with warming lube, then dot it with frozen coins and get back to me?

11. "In the shower, get him to shave your legs for ultimate submission."
And now the dark truth of Cosmo's BDSM tips is revealed: “domination” has now been used as a pretext to have your man hang out with you, memorize your favorite things, paint your nails, shave your legs, and massage you with exfoliating gloves. BDSM is a sexual practice, not a clever way to get your boyfriend to do chores for you.

12. "Let him write 'property of [his name]' on your underwear before you leave for work. It’s an all-day-long reminder that he is your 'master,' which is awesomely kinky."
Or an underwear-ruining reminder of summer camp.

13. "Lie across an ottoman, and tell him, 'Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad and need a spanking.'"
It’s funny — you almost can’t tell if they’re serious or mocking you. Like, there’s a slight chance that, in this article, Cosmo is actively trying to humiliate you. With sex.

(Side note: does Professor Wankerton have tenure? What are his office hours?)

14. "Walk, no haul ass, over to the kitchen supply aisle, and purchase a silicone pastry brush for him to stroke over your breasts and clitoris."
Buy all your kitchen supplies in duplicate, actually. A few extra ass-forks, salad-tong nipple clamps, a big ol' rolling pin dildo, and a couple of measuring cups to fondle his balls with. Oh, don’t forget a zester. (Which has no sexual function, but seriously, get one. They’re amazing.)

Note to self: someone really ought to open some sort of retail outlet that sells, like, equipment that's clean and safe and intended to be used for sex.

15. "Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it — the muted sensation feels amazeballs."
Then cry, "Unwrap me, slave! And fuck me like a sweaty leftover! Yes! The muted sensation feels amazeballs!"

16. "Let him run an electric toothbrush between your toes mid-foreplay. He shouldn’t stop no matter how much you squirm."
If this one doesn’t turn you on, you’re not vanilla. You’re ticklish.

17. "Have him use a ruler to lightly tap your inner thighs as he goes down on you."
This one also works if you’ve ever fantasized about getting eaten out by a guy in STOMP.

So there you have it: a quick Cosmo primer to the world of BDSM. Pick up some Saran wrap and a butt-fork next time you go shopping, and let Prof. Wankerton teach your inner goddess how to merengue. Until next month!

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