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36 Terrible Sex Tips for Men
Don't worry guys, there's plenty of terrible sex advice for you too.
by Ben Reininga
We recently took a break from our regularly scheduled mockery to focus our taunting on Cosmopolitan magazine and some of the less... astute sex advice they’ve offered us over the years. It was a romp. We painted our breasts; we sexted; and we even slapped a couple dicks — and not too gently!
While Cosmo comes at sex with the chirpy enthusiasm of Elle Woods and the DIY tenacity of Martha Stewart, its peers on the men’s side are a little harder to pin down. There’s Maxim, whispering tales of "busty blondes" from the corner of the school dance, boner-in-sweatpants, drinking whiskey from a Coke bottle. And then there's Men’s Health, aggressively sharing his recipe for blueberry protein shakes in the elevator, saying things like "glutes" and "sports-utility vehicle."
So here’s an anthology of the most misguided advice voiced by these two gentlemen; take it with caution.
Men's Health: the Science of Seduction
1. "Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't.”
Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you’re trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!
Oh, and pro-tip: if you lose count mid-blink, start throwing carbohydrates and diamonds (you know, lady things) over her shoulder to distract her, then grab her purse and rummage.
2. “Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws.”
I get so mad when women’s magazines are like “Men never listen.” God! Do you know how hard it is to listen when I’m trying to count your blinks, calculate them as a percentage, and then — depending on my diagnosis — make my jaw look wider?
3. “Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second... [to stimulate] an area of the brain associated with trust and affection.”
You can practice this at work with a ruler and stopwatch. Just make sure to close the door.
4. “After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically.”
If she’s averse to this idea, spit in her sports drink. It’s been shown to improve the taste of Gatorade’s entire G Series line.
5. "Your post-run sweat has androstadienone... that spikes her arousal when she smells it."
Your sweaty back is like warm baking bread. Laced with androstadienone. Mmm.
6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."
On the upside, she's proven she's definitely not an evil sex robot.
7. “Her Feet Give Her Away: if she moves her feet away from her body, adopting a more open-legged stance, you’re golden. But if she crosses her legs or tucks them under her body, you may as well ask for the check and call it a night before dessert.
Just one question: what if she crosses her legs beneath a slutty red dress? The male of the species is easily angered when simultaneously confused and aroused.
8. "She’s Dressed to Impress: can’t take your eyes off her nearly-see-through dress? Don’t — she’s scantily clad for a reason."
This precedes a lengthy summary of a study in Austria that involved taking saliva samples of ladies in nightclubs to determine that the sexier-dressed ones were hornier. The whole thing is creepy and makes me sad for my lady friends. So, I'm going to respond in a way I know will cheer them up.