Doing the Deed

22."Sweeten the deal. Eat a strawberry before making out. The sugar activates the sweetness receptors in your mouth."
Always good to activate the ol' sweetness receptors. Or as American humans say, "taste buds."

23. "Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse."
Here’s a second take on that one: don’t try facial intercourse.

24. “Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they’re in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found.” To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to “stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes.”
Or you could just rub her feet with your hands, you dick. Anyway, in my mind, people who say “trotters” and “johnson” in the same sentence don’t get to have mutually orgasmic sex.

25. “Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive.”
It also might just freak her the hell out. But the risk is yours to take!

25. “Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali... Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then... Return to slow, easy strokes... Repeat until she's out cold."
I’d just like to point out that in this scenario — where you’re Ali — her vagina is George Foreman. I’d avoid that comparison, whether you mean the boxer or the sandwich press.

26. “[H]ave her kneel on the edge of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making it feel tighter… she'll enjoy the nipple stimulation from rubbing the mattress.”
She might also get mattress burn on her face. Or, staring at the headboard through the canopy of her ruffled hair, start to wonder if we’re really all just alone in this world… but let’s focus on the positive: who even knew that vaginas had barrels?

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."
A unexpected loss for Team Surprise Anal.

28. "Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth."
Do they really think you can read things written in chocolate with your mouth? If they mean "lick and mustache-tickle from boob to belly until you’re both spit-covered and sticky" that’s fine, but I wish they’d just come out and say it.

29. “Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button. Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal."
And her boobs will be minty fresh!

30. "Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay... when you do them, that is."
Yes, because when she does them, it counts as a woman doing the work she's goddamn supposed to be doing.

31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."
Did you know that ladies love chocolate?

32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."
The editorial team at Cosmo would like to make the following statement: "Nuh-uh."

33. "Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it's for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!"
Mop!

34. "Girls like explicit texts, too. So next time you're bored waiting in a queue for lunch, text her the rudest, naughtiest thing you can possibly think of and inform her of when exactly you plan to do it."
Don't think too much about this one. Just do it.