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Maxim: Real Women with Fake-Sounding Stories
It’s worth mentioning that there's a whole other vein of sex advice: the kind that’s basically porn. Instead of Cosmo, which turns to doctors with Bond-villain names (Dr. Nipples) and women authors whose books sound like drag-queen jokes (Make Him Come Buckets by Phyllis Navidad, Ph.D) — Maxim has real women.
Specifically, Maxim has real women, aged twenty-one and twenty-three, with names like Jamie and Kristy, which of course aren’t their real names. (Their real names are Jamie Lynn and Kristy Lynn.) Real women who want to tell you how much they like the sex being described. They really like it. To the point where you’re not sure if they’re trying to tell you or fuck you. Tiger.
“Sexting school: Bone up, Gents”
What’s a better call to arms than “Bone up!” (As in, “Bone up baby, it’s my birthday!”) So much more colloquial than “Arouse thyself!”
"Last year the term 'sexting' was added to the dictionary, so why not heat up the springtime by introducing it to your smartphone?"
So was "fist bump." Why not give that a try, immediately after a vigorous round of sexting?
35. "Good news: girls are as turned on by taking pictures as you guys are from receiving them. 'I get really aroused when my boyfriend asks me to take a pic of myself while I'm out somewhere unexpected, like out shopping or at a restaurant.'"
"'The first dirty text is always the hardest part.... So make sure to tantalize the power of memory...' says Jane, 26. 'So when my boyfriend and I are texting late at night and he starts recounting dirty memories, I get so aroused! He'll start by telling me how hard he got while undressing me, then get to how hot my wet pussy felt sliding against him.'"
This feature got so graphic so quickly I'm not sure if it's trying to teach me how to sext or actually sext me.
Now, let's learn how to meet girls on Craigslist:
36. "Cruise over to Craigslist's 'Casual Encounters' section and click on 'w4m' (perv-speak for 'women seeking men') to find headlines like 'I need a little slap and tickle.' All you have to do is respond."
I guess it’s worth noting that this is bad advice: there are really actually very few women on Craigslist (or anywhere?) who only want to be slapped and tickled. But Maxim backs up their claims by telling you all the sexy things these totally non-fictional girls did with guys they met online.
"...we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blowjob. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a huge fantasy of mine."
"I ended up hooking up with a busty blonde while he enjoyed the show."
"I took him home and told him exactly how I wanted him to do me."
"We had really raunchy sex. He was smacking my ass and calling me a dirty slut. It was so unlike me..."
"It was so unlike me" is Maxim’s favorite line. Because you don’t want a woman who’s honest and open about what kind of sex she likes. You want a woman who gets drunk and then tepidly acts out her "huge fantasies." But only with you, big guy.
Now go take a cold shower. My work here is done. And if all else fails, men, remember this gem from Tierney Lorenz, M.A., a researcher at the sexual psychophysiology laboratory at the University of Texas at Austin: “Penises are sexy to women.” Say it nightly as you do your lunges.