India

India gives us this "How to make a man do anything" list, which proves that standard, overbearing Cosmo fare plays even in the Subcontinent.

Ask your man for career advice 'for a friend' — about a spookily similar situation to his own. It will open up a conversation about what he wants from his job, and he will come up with a smarter strategy. You won't be pressurising him, plus he'll hatch a more creative plan than if he knew he was talking about himself.

Or he'll notice the "spooky similarities " and say "If I were that guy, the first thing I'd do is yell at my crazy, passive-aggressive girlfriend." And as international arbiters, we'd have no choice but to say "touché."

Studies have found that putting a man in a vulnerable position instantly makes his date seem more attractive, and overcoming a stressful situation together makes you closer — how about a date-night horror film?

If for some reason, true love doesn't result from a scary movie, try anything else Cosmo has ever recommended. You'll have all the "stressful situations" you could ever need.

Cosmo Latina

Yes, this is different from Cosmo en español. Apparently a statistically significant percentage of U.S. Latina women want to read a version of Cosmo tailored to Hispanic sensibilities, but not in Spanish. All this, and poor Canada doesn't even get one version of Cosmo, though their sex researchers do seem to get cited frequently in Cosmo USA. (Towards the end of those sex-tip omnibuses, you start to get weird Canadian sex advice: "Justin* says he loves it when your bare breasts smell like alfalfa. *Names have been changed because some of the participants are reindeer.")

So how does the non-Spanish-Spanish Cosmo apply just the right amount of sabor latino? Let's take a look.

According to The Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, the smell of pumpkin pie was found to be the most arousing scent to men. To get him where you want him, pronto, light calabaza candles, or consider whipping up pumpkin empanadas or pancakes — just add canned pumpkin and cinnamon to your batter. Make them in a cute apron and nothing else, and serve in bed.

They did a good job making this sex tip — which you may recognize from every list they've ever written — relevant for Latinas. By using the Spanish word for pumpkin. But the problem is the same in any language: if you have to "whip up" pumpkin pancakes to initiate sex, your problems are too big to be solved by a fucking gourd.

Play footsie under the table (or grab his package if you're feeling extra sucia), twirl your hair, bat your eyes and laugh at everything he says. He will be putty in your manos!

Dignity, ladies. Try to live with dignity. Dig-ni-dad. Or, fuck it. Twirl your hair, laugh constantly, and go for the restaurant dick-grab. Believe it or not, that might make you seem insane. ("Loca.")

Spain

Let's end on a high note. Spain's great. Their tips on how to up your libido don't involve any socks or eating strange foods (but rather, actual sex-things) and their gallery of sex-tip positions has all this sweet pop art. No tengo complaints, as Cosmo Latina might say. But also, no tengo further international issues of Cosmo to review. If you've ever had an unfortunate yak's-milk incident after a brush with Cosmo Mongolia, let us know in the comments. And also, shame on you.