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On the Art of Fellatio, or Level II: Occupy Ball Street.
6. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door."
The other two-thirds might think it's alarmingly precalculated, but that's a risk worth taking. Go on, "ambush him."
7. "Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men."
I think that means you are one married man and two standard deviations from overthinking foreplay.
8. "Chew a small piece of mango... then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him."
Non-acidic fruit won't burn... but it will probably feel just as weird and pulpy as it sounds.
9. “Go hot and cold. During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.”
And don’t worry if you burp.
10. “As you’re going down on him, shake your head from side to side, letting your tongue follow the same pattern on the extra sensitive underside of his penis.”
11. "As you move your mouth up and down his shaft, rotate your hand in a corkscrew motion while spiraling your tongue in the opposite direction."
And remember ladies, never forget to smile!
On Things to Do with Your Breasts
"We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. If these don't skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don't know what will."
I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow "drowning in drool" slipped right by me. However, after Googling it, I did learn that it accounts for 23% of nocturnal deaths among St. Bernards.
12. "Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. ...Yowzah."
When this sounds spicy, you have hit new heights of erotic boredom.
13. "Receive a butterfly kiss... of your breasts. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts."
He might have to insert his head into your chest cavity, forehead up, but give it a shot.
14. "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator... (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)."
Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that's sexy.
15. "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."
How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it? And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting? Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?
16. "Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in."
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?
17. "Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple," and ask your man to lick it off."
Just don’t attempt #16 and #17 on the same night — your man might choke on a rhinestone.