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When Things Get Boring
Now that we’ve entered fully into the sexual universe, we need a contingency plan. This is the "potpourri" section — a grab bag of ludicrous suggestions that range from the gustatory to the cinematic.
18. “Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body."
There's a variation on this mainstay of the Cosmo canon in almost every issue. Successfully incorporating food into sex — based on my life experiences and casual surveys — is not a real thing. It’s sticky, wrecks the sheets, and, if done frequently, will give you Type II diabetes. Here, it’s made more grotesque than usual by context: on the previous page, they advocate turning off the AC because a made-up-sounding chemical in your sweat boosts arousal.
19. "Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."
On an unrelated note, this is also a great way to train your cat not to pee on the rug.
20. "Mix a few flavors [of lube] to create new combos, like strawberry-banana."
The paucity of flavors of personal lubricants is the most pressing crisis facing America right now. Obamaaaaaaaa!
21. "Use silicone-based lube to give each other pre-nooky rubdowns."
Bonus: it’s water-resistant, so it’ll never come off!
22. "Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."
They don't really explain if you're supposed to whisk it together in a bowl in the kitchen, or if you should just hock a loogie onto his pre-moistened junk, but I trust your judgment.
23. "Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess."
This is proof positive that no one ever tries these things.
24. “Dab some peppermint oil on your neck and between your breasts. Studies found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. Bonus: your boobs will smell extra fresh."
This also works if your breasts have just eaten something garlicky.
25. "Wear a cinnamony lotion or perfume. The smell of cinnamon buns increases men's blood flow 'down there.'"
Good hard science from Cosmo's resident M.D./Cinnabon lobbyist.
26. Use "your electric toothbrush" or "your iPhone [when your vibrator is out of batteries]."
To which I’ll just say, have you ever tried to lie to the Genius at the Apple Store who’s fixing your phone? It never works.
27. [When you’ve got an annoying roommate] "Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie."
This will also create a relaxed ambiance.
28. [On film selection] "Avoid anything that'll cause hearty belly laughs, like Superbad — a jiggly tummy won't make you feel good."
That just makes me sad.