29. "When he's least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you're really digging around for that coinage you need. When he's good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
Not to be cliché, but if you’re going to commit this very tacky and not-nearly-as-subtle-as-Cosmo-thinks-it-is maneuver, pick a more flattering metaphor. A roll of Sacagaweas, perhaps?

30. "Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day... He really doesn't want to answer questions like, 'Are you okay?'... but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe."
Translation: for those of you too shy for the stealth rub 'n tug, you can still just mutely paw his junk. It's a guaranteed way to feel like a sexbot without having to whisper anything about coins.

31. “Slip your hand into his back pocket and lightly stroke his ass... since it’s totally private and hidden from everyone else, it conveys that you’re feeling especially attracted to him.”
Totally hidden. Yup.

33. "When he's on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and 'accidentally' dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and aaahs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action.”
This sounds like something that would happen in American Pie 7: Stifler's Revenge, only it wouldn't lead to steamy intercourse — it would lead to a YouTube video.

34. "Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, 'Wanna hear me do this tonight?'"
In the middle of the day. Best time. Right when he’s at work. No way that could go wrong.

35. "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"
Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.”

36. "Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power."
This makes me think of two really cute nerds who like to role-play. One of them is a handsome space cowboy and the other is a rapey space robot who says “Now you will experience the pleasure power.” But that game’s not for everyone.

37. "Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face."
In fact, please say exactly that: "My lips can't resist your delicious beer-flavored face." Just so I can know that somewhere, someone actually said it.

Commentarium (98 Comments)

Jul 02 12 - 12:43am
Anonymous.

I am 13 and I just couldn't stop laughing at this stuff. I was typing this at around 12:00 andmy parents came in asking why I was laughing they took my phone looked at this and started laughing .

Jun 14 12 - 2:08am
Yup

I think I'm ready to lead a mob carrying torches and pitchforks to burn down the Cosmo offices now

Jun 17 12 - 10:51am
AJ

I'll second that

Jul 16 12 - 6:28am
[Ana

I was ready to second that the minute they recommended putting an ice lolly in my cunt. Because yeast infections drive your man wild.

Jun 14 12 - 7:31am
Dude

"Stop hitting me" -- legitimate lol

Jun 14 12 - 10:27am
NN

Thank you for validating my importance!

Jun 14 12 - 10:40am
PeterSmith

NN, let's talk. peter@nerve.com

Jun 14 12 - 10:53am
prof

Comment moderation win!

Jun 16 12 - 6:40pm
Raco

That sounded like PeterSmith took him in the back alley to fight. Wonder who won.

Jun 20 12 - 10:35pm
AlexT

That email address makes me wonder what happens when Nerve hires another Peter.

Jun 21 12 - 10:30am
Alex Heigl

We make them fight for it. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.

Jun 14 12 - 11:32am
Madammadamn

This made me laugh so hard my belly jiggled.

Jun 19 12 - 7:41am
Someguy

But...you'll be crap at sex now :/ such a steep price to pay

Jul 15 12 - 8:34pm
FemmeFatale

Could've sworn it was only while watching a belly-jiggling movie that your sex capabilities would be killed.

Jun 14 12 - 11:44am
brabbit

and this is how women end up sobbing, covered in edible body paint, at the train station.

Jun 18 12 - 9:35pm
David

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

Jun 14 12 - 2:39pm
EC

Midwest equals O'Doyle, in that "it rules"

Jun 14 12 - 3:45pm
Stefano

You are a very funny man, Ben Reininga.

Jun 14 12 - 4:06pm
midwest

I'll have you know its Wednesdays that are rhinestone /nipple decorating nights..fact checking anyone?

Jun 14 12 - 4:09pm
g.moni

Hey fellas, next time ur with your lady, whip out a cue card and say this;
"hey Babe. Could you...Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach my head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over my frenelum... Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where my head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times...Sweetie??"

Jun 14 12 - 4:31pm
JCB

This is awesome! My best friend and I used to giggle ourselves into hysterics as (stoned) college girls over Cosmo's hilariously bizarre sex tips. They would always recycle the same advice over and over (touch his balls while blowing him - ooh, kinky!) and then throw in a few INSANE curveballs (use the inside of your elbow to jerk him off? hide your dildo in his cereal box?)

It's nice to know that while we're old and boring now, Cosmo is still going hard with the inexplicable sex advice.

Jun 14 12 - 6:16pm
mh

UGH NO WONDER MY EX IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. HE WAS SO NOT ECOFRIENDLY.

Jun 29 12 - 8:53pm
KS

My ex was super ecofriendly. He kept recycling all his old girlfriends.

Jun 14 12 - 6:42pm
congrats

this is about the funniest thing i've read on nerve in at least 5 years.

Jun 14 12 - 6:53pm
Montana

My favorite column on nerve.com . Fucking love it.

Jun 15 12 - 12:08am
s.

favorite quote "Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?"

Jun 15 12 - 12:15am
SaraS

I never laugh out loud while reading crap on the internet - but this did it. Thanks Ben, hilarious.

Jun 15 12 - 12:27am
Rachel S

I just laughed so hard I cried. I can't believe I used to read that crap. Good thing I was eleven.

Jun 15 12 - 8:42am
kelly

answer to #7 is awesome.

Jun 15 12 - 12:26pm
Laura

Cosmopolitan magazine: Giving tips on how to break dicks beyond repair and teaching women that they are completely unloveable since the first day they ran copy.

Jun 15 12 - 12:36pm
Thinkywritey

This was a helluva thing to read in the waiting room, getting an oil change...

Jun 15 12 - 3:14pm
DefiantScribbler

Not one fucking reference to the Gspot. CosmoFail.

Jun 16 12 - 12:09am
js

ben, you are hilarious. I laughed outloud several times while reading this.

Jun 16 12 - 8:40am
M

#38: Use maple syrup and call his manhood a 'roll of toonies'... because 58% of men think roleplaying Canadian make more sexy.

Jun 16 12 - 12:21pm
AC

I laughed so hard I actually cried. BUT, you forgot my favorite. I don't have the actual copy, but the tip went something like this: Next time you two are out hiking, secretly pick up a smooth stone. Later, coax him into having sex in a secluded spot and as he gets close, press the sun warmed stone to his taint.

I always imagine some poor guy screaming and leaping off his girlfriend when a rock is suddenly shoved into sensitive areas with no prior warning.

Jun 17 12 - 3:14pm
JCB

The weirdest one I ever read was: Hide your vibrator in his cereal box so he gets a sexy surprise with his breakfast.

The mind reels: why would you do that? How is that sexy? What do you do when he dumps you for being insane? Why not hide a dildo in the spice rack? A butt plug in a pizza box?

Jun 20 12 - 6:58am
Ro

THAT's why my love life is so bad - I can't stand hiking.

JCB - you can't get a butt plug in a pizza box, pizzas are too flat. Not that I've tried, of course...

Jun 16 12 - 5:52pm
Hello

Laughed so hard I cried, too. Thank you! I actually think COSMO does have some cutting-edge sex advice at times but you have to take the best and leave the rest. Nevertheless, I agree there is a neo-con male bias, i.e,
"How do you catch a neo-con?" Again, congrats on this generous article and ROTFLOL.

Jun 22 12 - 7:25pm
Birdy

Oh come on, you shock me. Please, give just one example of "some cutting edge sex advice' you found in Cosmo. Or any where, for that matter.

Jun 17 12 - 12:47am
Holy christ

That was hilarious, and as someone else said above, I laughed until my belly jiggled.

Jun 17 12 - 2:19am
Ann Ominous

i used to read my roommates copies of cosmo when i was bored. the sex tips are always a mind boggling mix of really basic, you-should-already-know-this stuff (like, doggy style) that is treated like hella "Girls Gone Wild" kinky moves, and totally bizarre and/or useless suggestions which i think even the most adventurous kinksters would find hard to swallow (pun intended.) seriously, i don't think someone who thinks "girl on top" is gettin' crazy is quite ready to body paint her man with her nipples.

Jun 17 12 - 3:16am
Dshnva

>> There you have it — thirty-six tips

The list goes up to 37.

Jun 17 12 - 8:27am
DE

So much to choose from but this made me laugh the most:
14. "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator... (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)."
Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that's sexy.

Jun 17 12 - 6:08pm
SED

Actuaccly mor like 43 things, since the number is totally off on pages 2-3.

Jun 18 12 - 7:45am
Ron

Obvious, easy target followed by commentary straining to be funny and clever. The rest of the commenters probably think old people talking in slang or cursing and white guys doing the robot is the height of comedic genius too..

Jun 18 12 - 10:00am
BenReininga

Finally some dissent! Thanks Ron. Sometimes I also think my jokes try too hard... Oh, and thanks (a little bit more) to everyone else for disagreeing with Ron.

Jul 21 12 - 5:24pm
rlr

Says Ron, a butthurt cosmo writer?

Jun 18 12 - 2:22pm
Nikki Star

This is hilarious!

Jun 18 12 - 4:18pm
z

sounds like the worst hand job ever.

Jun 18 12 - 5:47pm
BoogerFree

How about, oh let's say, asking your partner what he wants? Too personal?

Jun 18 12 - 6:12pm
scallywag

Kids here’s an interest treat courtesy of nerve (a dating website) who like us have come up with an ingenuous response to the must do sex tips for confused young ladies handbook. That said cosmopolitan have come up with a must do dossier for what one presumes to be confused young ladies gently finding their way in this sordid world. That said, let’s sit down and have a close look at some of the advice cosmopolitan issues all you confused young ladies who today will have a seasoned man explain to you why Cosmo have it all wrong. Ready?

http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/06/cosmopolitans-44-most-ridiculous...

Jun 18 12 - 7:32pm
Beerprole

"37. Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face."

Wow, turns out Cosmo knows nothing about how beer works, either.

Jun 18 12 - 8:16pm
michael_clearwater

Hmm I think this humorous critique was a serious stretch and fell flat due to the source material: Many times while reading the original text, as a man I found myself agreeing and thinking "Oh yea that does feel good" or "Wow that's ALWAYS hot!" So despite a few well-deserved zingers, most of the piece felt awkward and quite honestly embarassing, begging the question, "Does this author get much hot sex?"

And I'm not speaking from a clinical mindset either; there's a genuine current of uneasiness with sex running through the piece. **cue nervous laughter**
Sorry but a definitive miss on this one.

Jun 19 12 - 11:37am
D

Totally agree!!!

Jun 23 12 - 11:11pm
totalmonet

Michael Clearwater is an editor for Cosmo. **nervous giggle** OH NO MAH BELLAY!

Jun 18 12 - 8:50pm
GeeBee

@ No. 12: If you're doing reverse cowgirl and bending really far forward, I'm not going to give a crap what you're doing to my feet. At first I will be sightseeing, then I may be more concerned you're about to snap off my dick.

Jun 19 12 - 1:39am
David

Mango was my favorite fruit until I came across #8, I'm not sure how a mango helps, maybe a kumquat would be better suited?

Jun 19 12 - 11:21am
Mattie

Did anyone see the movie, "Tiny Furniture" -- about a recent college grad returning to her trendy NYC mom/artist's place, having broken up with her college boyfriend (supposedly a feminist guy). She's lost and profoundly naive despite her upbringing, and ends up having sex in a sewer pipe (not yet installed, thank goodness.) Her first moves are oral sex then she automatically presents her behind for doggy-style sex. OK, I'm really old-fashioned but her moves looked like she'd copied them from any basic porn movie. (And she gets dumped by the creep she does this with!) So, first, is this the kind of 'sexy behavior' that Cosmo wants to see among young women? And second, what does a 'feminist boyfriend' do about sex that appears to be debasing and ugly for the woman?

Jul 22 12 - 4:40pm
DesertMac

Well, first of all Mattie, you have to consider oral sex and doggie style sex debasing and only the province of porn. "Old fashioned" is a euphamism for totally uptight people who cringe at the thought of passionate sex. You obviously have "issues" with sex in general and psychological problems with the receptive role of women and the assertive role men play or you wouldn't consider doggie style sex debasing. What is debasing about one of the most obvious positions for fucking? What does the man dumping her afterwards have to do with your point-- other than to validate your personal concept (and I AM extrapolating here) that any sex other than missionary style is debasing and he dumps her because he can't respect her after she sucked and fucked in a sewer pipe?

Think about EVERY site and countless books on sex and intimacy in the past 30 years and what you find is that most of them are trying to educate people-- with wildy varying levels of success-- that there is a huge variety and room for experimentation in sex, many ways of experiencing sexual bliss, and one size does not fit all. A woman like you (and I don't mean that to sound condescending) will simply not get into any spicier areas of sex with your man because you have too many barriers to let go and explore pleasure without disapproving judgment of the roles and imagery. That's fine. Lots of people still prefer vanilla. What all these sex advice sites and mags are addressing are the people who hunger for more-- and who are apparently the majority by far, judging by the poularity of these sites and mags worldwide. The answer to your main question: Why would this girl suck him and offer her ass in a sewer pipe when it's so debasing? is a question only one who considers it debasing would ask. Most people just think of the scene as either a bit daring or a bit desperate, for both of them. There's nothing debasing going on in that scene unless you perceive it that way.

Aug 17 12 - 1:23am
SadieBlake

Or perhaps she has a reason for feeling that those styles of sex are debasing? Such as: "I feel debased when I do this"? Way to shame someone for not being into EXACTLY the same things you are.

As you said yourself: "there is a huge variety and room for experimentation in sex, many ways of experiencing sexual bliss, and one size does not fit all." Seems a bit rich to then turn around and essentially say "Ooh, you don't like doggie style? Welcome to Prudietown, Prudence McPrude!"

Mattie: Like what you like and dislike what you dislike. The best sex you'll ever have is the sex that's just right for you - so don't be afraid to discover what that is and communicate it with your partner.

And that's why Cosmo has to keep coming up with such ridiculous "sex tips" - if they just printed the notion outlined above, they'd be short about a dozen pages and out of publication in a week.

Jun 19 12 - 11:36am
D

This article is terrible. If you're like me, a man that's not completely afraid of being touched with anything heavier than a feather, then you know that most of these techniques do feel nice. Cocks are a lot less sensitive than clits or tits and you can be a little rough with them, but most women don't get this and wind up being far too timid. Maybe try experimenting with something before you decide that it just doesn't work and do some research before you decide that you're some sort of sex guru that can tell what all men like just by reading about it.

Jun 19 12 - 1:36pm
anne

...and because you have a clitoris and breasts in addition to a penis, you know this?

Jun 19 12 - 5:05pm
x

Ive punched both my dick and a girls tits and clit, and I didnt hurt myself, but she did complain of tit and clit injury.

Jun 21 12 - 6:26am
Ermi

I cannot conceive of going to bed with anyone who might think that punching me anywhere would be any kind of a turn on.

Jun 22 12 - 6:33pm
Kati

No you haven't.

Jun 19 12 - 12:24pm
jill

Can't help thinking of "the hokey-pokey." ...and you shake it all about.

ps I crave you.

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Jun 19 12 - 7:06pm
JM

The title of this post should have been "The CosmoSutra" -- just sayin'.

Fantastic stuff, BTW. :)

Jun 19 12 - 7:47pm
Doreen

Best damn thing I've read all month. Thanks for the belly laughs.

Jun 20 12 - 1:08am
Abby

OMG I'm dying here.

Jun 20 12 - 10:59am
scar*let nguni

BRILLIANT!! I have found Cosmo articles, especially the sex tip ones, to be an affront on intelligent femininity and authentic intimacy. Your article made me chuckle a good few times... thank you! I look forward to the next installment, and equally necessary, investigation into the sense (or lack there of) of men's magazine advice...

Jun 20 12 - 12:03pm
katie

This may quite possibly be the funniest thing I have ever read. In fact my stomach jiggled, dammit that makes me completely crap at right? I kinda am couraving sleeping with the author to test all these out, you know in the name of scientific evaluation

Jun 20 12 - 6:07pm
My favorite

I remember cracking up reading a Cosmo suggestion about using a drinking straw to blow on a man's nipples... If I was even so crazy as to try this, how weird would it be if I randomly pulled a straw from the nightstand or underneath the pillow? And then wouldn't this sort of ruin the mood? Why do you even NEED a straw to do any blowing action?

Gotta love the Cosmo lingo too - if women actually talked like that, the world be a scary place.

Jun 21 12 - 3:29am
da pope

you forgot my favorite common one. "stick your finger in his butt". Id pull that out laugh at every time my ex would buy a cosmo. it pissed her off that i could almost always find it somewhere in the magazine, though i don't know a soul that would punch someone for trying it.

Jun 21 12 - 11:44am
ozra

Oh my god, Ben this is THE funniest article I have ever read! I read it about 4 hours ago, and I keep flashing on bits. I have never cried so much while laughing.

I have actually put in a request to reprint your article on my one site, http://tipsonsex.be2do.net

I have also just uploaded a reference to it on my other site, http://reasonsforprematureejaculation.be2do.net - if a woman tried those things on me, I would do a spot of the old prem ejaculation!

I found this article on http://jezebel.com and “Esmerelda Foofypants” is as nuts as you, in my opinion!

Thank you so much for your wit.

Jun 21 12 - 8:17pm
Ezra

I just laughed myself silly! Wow!!

Jun 22 12 - 6:16am
london contact

Hmm.... Mostly I'm puzzled. Don't think any of these 'turn ons' would work on me. Perhaps I have led too sheltered a life / lack sensual imagination.
But the beer one did make me explode (with laughter) - I don't know any girls who are turned on by the smell of a beery man (except perhaps for that biker gurl in Atlanta) - but, again, I have led a sheltered life.

Jun 22 12 - 10:26am
Audrey B

I don't remember last time I laughed so hard! Very well played! Here's to hoping the Cosmo crew reads this prior to a penis-slapping-rhinestone-boobage fiasco.
(And I adored your Notting Hill wink. Très funny.)

Jun 22 12 - 10:34am
lucygoosey74

Hilarious! Thanks so much for the laughs! I've been rolling my eyes at cosmo's sex tips for years.

Jun 22 12 - 6:31pm
Cole

I laughed so hard at this!

Jun 22 12 - 10:49pm
Dawn

OMG I was in tears!

Jun 24 12 - 2:34pm
Peg

I was in tears. I think I can't have sex without laughing out loud any more ...

Jun 27 12 - 2:22pm
Emerson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTQnUTgLssI How has no one posted this SMBC-Theater take on cosmo sex tips? It should have been part of the article!

Jun 29 12 - 9:32pm
Laslo Hollyfeld

This article made my swimsuit area hurt while I read it.

Jun 30 12 - 11:17pm
Matunos

I love #38. Cause if you're following all of those other tips they give you, and your man's "going around all happy and whistling" instead of the expected terror and weeping, then something certainly is suspicious.

Jul 01 12 - 6:03pm
NutellaLover

Why, oh why, would some dude want to ruin a whole jar of Nutella?

Jul 02 12 - 11:21am
dude

Thanks for the laughs. Yes, this stuff is mostly crazy. It's great to try new things and be creative and fun with sex but, as a dude, I find nothing is sexier than actually getting to know a chick, finding out what she likes and having her finding out what I like. Honesty and openess is the way to get to awesome places. If a dude isn't open to this approach, help him get there or just bail on him. You're better than that.

Jul 02 12 - 11:39am
Nena

So if a woman admits to following Cosmo as if it's scripture, men should run for the hills unless he wants is penis damaged. =) hahahahaha

Jul 13 12 - 9:07am
Jill

What a shame you wrote this before the issue with "tie him up with toilet paper and stick forks in him" was published. Or maybe the Cosmo writers read your post and were trying to outdo themselves.

http://pervocracy.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/cosmocking-special-edition-fift...

Jul 15 12 - 11:19pm
Sophie Baker

I actually didn't think that this is ridiculous. It is very much arousing just reading it. I really think both the man and woman will love to learn and experience this. This will be much more exciting when the man will use sexual enhancer to have the stamina.

http://stiffy.com

Jul 31 12 - 9:55am
Rory

Ok, #5. Is it just me, or is that exactly how we did the "Indian Burn" to each other's arms when we were kids? If I recall correctly, it doesn't feel very nice.

Aug 05 12 - 3:28pm
Dyuti

Oh my God! This article was so hilarious. I was reading it late at night, and burst out laughing so hard! Wonder whether my parents who were sleeping in the next room thought I had gone crazy!

Aug 06 12 - 10:10am
jim slim

“As you’re going down on him, shake your head from side to side”

Because there's nothing like having your dick treated like a seal pup in the jaws of a killer whale...

Aug 07 12 - 2:05pm
d'Monique

33. "When he's on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and 'accidentally' dial him up.

Yes, causing an accident really heats up your sex life. Though I can't help but wonder what he will say to the police officer.

Good reading, made me laugh.

Aug 31 12 - 2:18pm
Alex

Oh God, I am crying and laughing far too hard at the reasons I refuse to read Cosmo.

Sep 11 12 - 11:01am
Max Richardson

I love this. All these magazines giving sex tips but they don't know sh!t about f#ck! I love it. Thanks Nerve for posting this. The lack of sex education is detrimental to any country. Its the same reason teen pregnancy is the most high in the US. Its the same reason some women don't know how to please a man and most men don't know what the hell they are doing in bed. But they will keep writing sex guides because sex sells. Man that was a good laugh.

Max Richardson
Step Your Game Up!
http://sexspartanfitness.com

Sep 11 12 - 11:04am
KB

I had to stop reading them - Cosmo - daytime magazine for the absolute most brainless.