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29. "When he's least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you're really digging around for that coinage you need. When he's good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
Not to be cliché, but if you’re going to commit this very tacky and not-nearly-as-subtle-as-Cosmo-thinks-it-is maneuver, pick a more flattering metaphor. A roll of Sacagaweas, perhaps?
30. "Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day... He really doesn't want to answer questions like, 'Are you okay?'... but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe."
Translation: for those of you too shy for the stealth rub 'n tug, you can still just mutely paw his junk. It's a guaranteed way to feel like a sexbot without having to whisper anything about coins.
31. “Slip your hand into his back pocket and lightly stroke his ass... since it’s totally private and hidden from everyone else, it conveys that you’re feeling especially attracted to him.”
Totally hidden. Yup.
33. "When he's on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and 'accidentally' dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and aaahs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action.”
This sounds like something that would happen in American Pie 7: Stifler's Revenge, only it wouldn't lead to steamy intercourse — it would lead to a YouTube video.
34. "Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, 'Wanna hear me do this tonight?'"
In the middle of the day. Best time. Right when he’s at work. No way that could go wrong.
35. "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"
Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.”
36. "Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power."
This makes me think of two really cute nerds who like to role-play. One of them is a handsome space cowboy and the other is a rapey space robot who says “Now you will experience the pleasure power.” But that game’s not for everyone.
37. "Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face."
In fact, please say exactly that: "My lips can't resist your delicious beer-flavored face." Just so I can know that somewhere, someone actually said it.