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On Cheating, or Sleeping With One Eye Open
Another classic, basic premise. If your boyfriend is doing anything remotely different — often in a good way — he’s cheating. So don’t relax!
38. "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."
39. "Be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or spending more time at the gym."
40. "If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out!"
41. "Not ecofriendly? It could be a sign that he'll trash your relationship too."
42. "Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network — he may need constant attention."
If any of these things happen (or, you know, you have actual legitimate, non-Facebook related reasons to doubt his fidelity), you could sit him down for a serious talk. Or, just skip straight to dousing yourself in chocolate syrup.
43. "Reach over and grab his knee while you're both sitting."
Details really are key here, lest you confuse a simple knee-grab with "sweep the leg." The secret success of the move stems from the fact that, by reaching down, you are "bowing" slightly, to show you're "contrite." Also, the knee is "neutral territory." (Which is to say, it's unlike Palestine, the Falklands, or his penis.)
44. "Grasp his hands and coax them into a prayer position, then position hands over his... Your words [will] become more persuasive to him, though he won't know why."
Aside from the fact that it requires standing like a pair of coupling monks, the great thing about this suggestion is that it's utterly impossible to tell who it makes look dumber: you, or your now-bewildered mate.
Well. There you have it — forty-four tips that represent the screaming nadir of Cosmo's sex advice. Be sure to tune in next month, when I'll be covering things from the other side of the aisle and collecting the best of the worst of men's magazine's sex tips. And always remember the sage words of Cosmo: "Lick his eyelids, and then blow on your saliva."
As true today as when it was written.