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June 14, 2012
On Cheating, or Sleeping With One Eye Open
Another classic, basic premise. If your boyfriend is doing anything remotely different — often in a good way — he’s cheating. So don’t relax!
38. "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."
39. "Be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or spending more time at the gym."
40. "If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out!"
41. "Not ecofriendly? It could be a sign that he'll trash your relationship too."
42. "Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network — he may need constant attention."
If any of these things happen (or, you know, you have actual legitimate, non-Facebook related reasons to doubt his fidelity), you could sit him down for a serious talk. Or, just skip straight to dousing yourself in chocolate syrup.
On Apologizing
43. "Reach over and grab his knee while you're both sitting."
Details really are key here, lest you confuse a simple knee-grab with "sweep the leg." The secret success of the move stems from the fact that, by reaching down, you are "bowing" slightly, to show you're "contrite." Also, the knee is "neutral territory." (Which is to say, it's unlike Palestine, the Falklands, or his penis.)
44. "Grasp his hands and coax them into a prayer position, then position hands over his... Your words [will] become more persuasive to him, though he won't know why."
Aside from the fact that it requires standing like a pair of coupling monks, the great thing about this suggestion is that it's utterly impossible to tell who it makes look dumber: you, or your now-bewildered mate.
Well. There you have it — forty-four tips that represent the screaming nadir of Cosmo's sex advice. Be sure to tune in next month, when I'll be covering things from the other side of the aisle and collecting the best of the worst of men's magazine's sex tips. And always remember the sage words of Cosmo: "Lick his eyelids, and then blow on your saliva."
As true today as when it was written.
Commentarium (98 Comments)
This is fitting:
http://www.azfamily.com/outbound-feeds/yahoo-news/PD-Mesa-woman-stabs-hu...
I am 13 and I just couldn't stop laughing at this stuff. I was typing this at around 12:00 andmy parents came in asking why I was laughing they took my phone looked at this and started laughing .
I think I'm ready to lead a mob carrying torches and pitchforks to burn down the Cosmo offices now
I'll second that
I was ready to second that the minute they recommended putting an ice lolly in my cunt. Because yeast infections drive your man wild.
"Stop hitting me" -- legitimate lol
Thank you for validating my importance!
NN, let's talk. peter@nerve.com
Comment moderation win!
That sounded like PeterSmith took him in the back alley to fight. Wonder who won.
That email address makes me wonder what happens when Nerve hires another Peter.
We make them fight for it. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.
This made me laugh so hard my belly jiggled.
But...you'll be crap at sex now :/ such a steep price to pay
Could've sworn it was only while watching a belly-jiggling movie that your sex capabilities would be killed.
and this is how women end up sobbing, covered in edible body paint, at the train station.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
Midwest equals O'Doyle, in that "it rules"
You are a very funny man, Ben Reininga.
I'll have you know its Wednesdays that are rhinestone /nipple decorating nights..fact checking anyone?
Hey fellas, next time ur with your lady, whip out a cue card and say this;
"hey Babe. Could you...Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach my head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over my frenelum... Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where my head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times...Sweetie??"
This is awesome! My best friend and I used to giggle ourselves into hysterics as (stoned) college girls over Cosmo's hilariously bizarre sex tips. They would always recycle the same advice over and over (touch his balls while blowing him - ooh, kinky!) and then throw in a few INSANE curveballs (use the inside of your elbow to jerk him off? hide your dildo in his cereal box?)
It's nice to know that while we're old and boring now, Cosmo is still going hard with the inexplicable sex advice.
UGH NO WONDER MY EX IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. HE WAS SO NOT ECOFRIENDLY.
My ex was super ecofriendly. He kept recycling all his old girlfriends.
this is about the funniest thing i've read on nerve in at least 5 years.
My favorite column on nerve.com . Fucking love it.
favorite quote "Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?"
I never laugh out loud while reading crap on the internet - but this did it. Thanks Ben, hilarious.
I just laughed so hard I cried. I can't believe I used to read that crap. Good thing I was eleven.
answer to #7 is awesome.
Cosmopolitan magazine: Giving tips on how to break dicks beyond repair and teaching women that they are completely unloveable since the first day they ran copy.
This was a helluva thing to read in the waiting room, getting an oil change...
Not one fucking reference to the Gspot. CosmoFail.
ben, you are hilarious. I laughed outloud several times while reading this.
#38: Use maple syrup and call his manhood a 'roll of toonies'... because 58% of men think roleplaying Canadian make more sexy.
I laughed so hard I actually cried. BUT, you forgot my favorite. I don't have the actual copy, but the tip went something like this: Next time you two are out hiking, secretly pick up a smooth stone. Later, coax him into having sex in a secluded spot and as he gets close, press the sun warmed stone to his taint.
I always imagine some poor guy screaming and leaping off his girlfriend when a rock is suddenly shoved into sensitive areas with no prior warning.
The weirdest one I ever read was: Hide your vibrator in his cereal box so he gets a sexy surprise with his breakfast.
The mind reels: why would you do that? How is that sexy? What do you do when he dumps you for being insane? Why not hide a dildo in the spice rack? A butt plug in a pizza box?
THAT's why my love life is so bad - I can't stand hiking.
JCB - you can't get a butt plug in a pizza box, pizzas are too flat. Not that I've tried, of course...
Laughed so hard I cried, too. Thank you! I actually think COSMO does have some cutting-edge sex advice at times but you have to take the best and leave the rest. Nevertheless, I agree there is a neo-con male bias, i.e,
"How do you catch a neo-con?" Again, congrats on this generous article and ROTFLOL.
Oh come on, you shock me. Please, give just one example of "some cutting edge sex advice' you found in Cosmo. Or any where, for that matter.
That was hilarious, and as someone else said above, I laughed until my belly jiggled.
i used to read my roommates copies of cosmo when i was bored. the sex tips are always a mind boggling mix of really basic, you-should-already-know-this stuff (like, doggy style) that is treated like hella "Girls Gone Wild" kinky moves, and totally bizarre and/or useless suggestions which i think even the most adventurous kinksters would find hard to swallow (pun intended.) seriously, i don't think someone who thinks "girl on top" is gettin' crazy is quite ready to body paint her man with her nipples.
>> There you have it — thirty-six tips
The list goes up to 37.
So much to choose from but this made me laugh the most:
14. "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator... (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)."
Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that's sexy.
Actuaccly mor like 43 things, since the number is totally off on pages 2-3.
Obvious, easy target followed by commentary straining to be funny and clever. The rest of the commenters probably think old people talking in slang or cursing and white guys doing the robot is the height of comedic genius too..
Finally some dissent! Thanks Ron. Sometimes I also think my jokes try too hard... Oh, and thanks (a little bit more) to everyone else for disagreeing with Ron.
Says Ron, a butthurt cosmo writer?
This is hilarious!
sounds like the worst hand job ever.
How about, oh let's say, asking your partner what he wants? Too personal?
Kids here’s an interest treat courtesy of nerve (a dating website) who like us have come up with an ingenuous response to the must do sex tips for confused young ladies handbook. That said cosmopolitan have come up with a must do dossier for what one presumes to be confused young ladies gently finding their way in this sordid world. That said, let’s sit down and have a close look at some of the advice cosmopolitan issues all you confused young ladies who today will have a seasoned man explain to you why Cosmo have it all wrong. Ready?
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/06/cosmopolitans-44-most-ridiculous...
"37. Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face."
Wow, turns out Cosmo knows nothing about how beer works, either.
Hmm I think this humorous critique was a serious stretch and fell flat due to the source material: Many times while reading the original text, as a man I found myself agreeing and thinking "Oh yea that does feel good" or "Wow that's ALWAYS hot!" So despite a few well-deserved zingers, most of the piece felt awkward and quite honestly embarassing, begging the question, "Does this author get much hot sex?"
And I'm not speaking from a clinical mindset either; there's a genuine current of uneasiness with sex running through the piece. **cue nervous laughter**
Sorry but a definitive miss on this one.
Totally agree!!!
Michael Clearwater is an editor for Cosmo. **nervous giggle** OH NO MAH BELLAY!
@ No. 12: If you're doing reverse cowgirl and bending really far forward, I'm not going to give a crap what you're doing to my feet. At first I will be sightseeing, then I may be more concerned you're about to snap off my dick.
Mango was my favorite fruit until I came across #8, I'm not sure how a mango helps, maybe a kumquat would be better suited?
Did anyone see the movie, "Tiny Furniture" -- about a recent college grad returning to her trendy NYC mom/artist's place, having broken up with her college boyfriend (supposedly a feminist guy). She's lost and profoundly naive despite her upbringing, and ends up having sex in a sewer pipe (not yet installed, thank goodness.) Her first moves are oral sex then she automatically presents her behind for doggy-style sex. OK, I'm really old-fashioned but her moves looked like she'd copied them from any basic porn movie. (And she gets dumped by the creep she does this with!) So, first, is this the kind of 'sexy behavior' that Cosmo wants to see among young women? And second, what does a 'feminist boyfriend' do about sex that appears to be debasing and ugly for the woman?
Well, first of all Mattie, you have to consider oral sex and doggie style sex debasing and only the province of porn. "Old fashioned" is a euphamism for totally uptight people who cringe at the thought of passionate sex. You obviously have "issues" with sex in general and psychological problems with the receptive role of women and the assertive role men play or you wouldn't consider doggie style sex debasing. What is debasing about one of the most obvious positions for fucking? What does the man dumping her afterwards have to do with your point-- other than to validate your personal concept (and I AM extrapolating here) that any sex other than missionary style is debasing and he dumps her because he can't respect her after she sucked and fucked in a sewer pipe?
Think about EVERY site and countless books on sex and intimacy in the past 30 years and what you find is that most of them are trying to educate people-- with wildy varying levels of success-- that there is a huge variety and room for experimentation in sex, many ways of experiencing sexual bliss, and one size does not fit all. A woman like you (and I don't mean that to sound condescending) will simply not get into any spicier areas of sex with your man because you have too many barriers to let go and explore pleasure without disapproving judgment of the roles and imagery. That's fine. Lots of people still prefer vanilla. What all these sex advice sites and mags are addressing are the people who hunger for more-- and who are apparently the majority by far, judging by the poularity of these sites and mags worldwide. The answer to your main question: Why would this girl suck him and offer her ass in a sewer pipe when it's so debasing? is a question only one who considers it debasing would ask. Most people just think of the scene as either a bit daring or a bit desperate, for both of them. There's nothing debasing going on in that scene unless you perceive it that way.
Or perhaps she has a reason for feeling that those styles of sex are debasing? Such as: "I feel debased when I do this"? Way to shame someone for not being into EXACTLY the same things you are.
As you said yourself: "there is a huge variety and room for experimentation in sex, many ways of experiencing sexual bliss, and one size does not fit all." Seems a bit rich to then turn around and essentially say "Ooh, you don't like doggie style? Welcome to Prudietown, Prudence McPrude!"
Mattie: Like what you like and dislike what you dislike. The best sex you'll ever have is the sex that's just right for you - so don't be afraid to discover what that is and communicate it with your partner.
And that's why Cosmo has to keep coming up with such ridiculous "sex tips" - if they just printed the notion outlined above, they'd be short about a dozen pages and out of publication in a week.
This article is terrible. If you're like me, a man that's not completely afraid of being touched with anything heavier than a feather, then you know that most of these techniques do feel nice. Cocks are a lot less sensitive than clits or tits and you can be a little rough with them, but most women don't get this and wind up being far too timid. Maybe try experimenting with something before you decide that it just doesn't work and do some research before you decide that you're some sort of sex guru that can tell what all men like just by reading about it.
...and because you have a clitoris and breasts in addition to a penis, you know this?
Ive punched both my dick and a girls tits and clit, and I didnt hurt myself, but she did complain of tit and clit injury.
I cannot conceive of going to bed with anyone who might think that punching me anywhere would be any kind of a turn on.
No you haven't.
Can't help thinking of "the hokey-pokey." ...and you shake it all about.
ps I crave you.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
In response to your question on number 15:
http://www.google.com/#q=thailand+has+talent+breast+painter&hl=en&prmd=i...
The title of this post should have been "The CosmoSutra" -- just sayin'.
Fantastic stuff, BTW. :)
Best damn thing I've read all month. Thanks for the belly laughs.
OMG I'm dying here.
BRILLIANT!! I have found Cosmo articles, especially the sex tip ones, to be an affront on intelligent femininity and authentic intimacy. Your article made me chuckle a good few times... thank you! I look forward to the next installment, and equally necessary, investigation into the sense (or lack there of) of men's magazine advice...
This may quite possibly be the funniest thing I have ever read. In fact my stomach jiggled, dammit that makes me completely crap at right? I kinda am couraving sleeping with the author to test all these out, you know in the name of scientific evaluation
I remember cracking up reading a Cosmo suggestion about using a drinking straw to blow on a man's nipples... If I was even so crazy as to try this, how weird would it be if I randomly pulled a straw from the nightstand or underneath the pillow? And then wouldn't this sort of ruin the mood? Why do you even NEED a straw to do any blowing action?
Gotta love the Cosmo lingo too - if women actually talked like that, the world be a scary place.
you forgot my favorite common one. "stick your finger in his butt". Id pull that out laugh at every time my ex would buy a cosmo. it pissed her off that i could almost always find it somewhere in the magazine, though i don't know a soul that would punch someone for trying it.
Oh my god, Ben this is THE funniest article I have ever read! I read it about 4 hours ago, and I keep flashing on bits. I have never cried so much while laughing.
I have actually put in a request to reprint your article on my one site, http://tipsonsex.be2do.net
I have also just uploaded a reference to it on my other site, http://reasonsforprematureejaculation.be2do.net - if a woman tried those things on me, I would do a spot of the old prem ejaculation!
I found this article on http://jezebel.com and “Esmerelda Foofypants” is as nuts as you, in my opinion!
Thank you so much for your wit.
I just laughed myself silly! Wow!!
Hmm.... Mostly I'm puzzled. Don't think any of these 'turn ons' would work on me. Perhaps I have led too sheltered a life / lack sensual imagination.
But the beer one did make me explode (with laughter) - I don't know any girls who are turned on by the smell of a beery man (except perhaps for that biker gurl in Atlanta) - but, again, I have led a sheltered life.
I don't remember last time I laughed so hard! Very well played! Here's to hoping the Cosmo crew reads this prior to a penis-slapping-rhinestone-boobage fiasco.
(And I adored your Notting Hill wink. Très funny.)
Hilarious! Thanks so much for the laughs! I've been rolling my eyes at cosmo's sex tips for years.
I laughed so hard at this!
OMG I was in tears!
I was in tears. I think I can't have sex without laughing out loud any more ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTQnUTgLssI How has no one posted this SMBC-Theater take on cosmo sex tips? It should have been part of the article!
This article made my swimsuit area hurt while I read it.
I love #38. Cause if you're following all of those other tips they give you, and your man's "going around all happy and whistling" instead of the expected terror and weeping, then something certainly is suspicious.
Why, oh why, would some dude want to ruin a whole jar of Nutella?
Thanks for the laughs. Yes, this stuff is mostly crazy. It's great to try new things and be creative and fun with sex but, as a dude, I find nothing is sexier than actually getting to know a chick, finding out what she likes and having her finding out what I like. Honesty and openess is the way to get to awesome places. If a dude isn't open to this approach, help him get there or just bail on him. You're better than that.
So if a woman admits to following Cosmo as if it's scripture, men should run for the hills unless he wants is penis damaged. =) hahahahaha
What a shame you wrote this before the issue with "tie him up with toilet paper and stick forks in him" was published. Or maybe the Cosmo writers read your post and were trying to outdo themselves.
http://pervocracy.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/cosmocking-special-edition-fift...
I actually didn't think that this is ridiculous. It is very much arousing just reading it. I really think both the man and woman will love to learn and experience this. This will be much more exciting when the man will use sexual enhancer to have the stamina.
http://stiffy.com
Ok, #5. Is it just me, or is that exactly how we did the "Indian Burn" to each other's arms when we were kids? If I recall correctly, it doesn't feel very nice.
Oh my God! This article was so hilarious. I was reading it late at night, and burst out laughing so hard! Wonder whether my parents who were sleeping in the next room thought I had gone crazy!
“As you’re going down on him, shake your head from side to side”
Because there's nothing like having your dick treated like a seal pup in the jaws of a killer whale...
33. "When he's on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and 'accidentally' dial him up.
Yes, causing an accident really heats up your sex life. Though I can't help but wonder what he will say to the police officer.
Good reading, made me laugh.
Oh God, I am crying and laughing far too hard at the reasons I refuse to read Cosmo.
I love this. All these magazines giving sex tips but they don't know sh!t about f#ck! I love it. Thanks Nerve for posting this. The lack of sex education is detrimental to any country. Its the same reason teen pregnancy is the most high in the US. Its the same reason some women don't know how to please a man and most men don't know what the hell they are doing in bed. But they will keep writing sex guides because sex sells. Man that was a good laugh.
Max Richardson
Step Your Game Up!
http://sexspartanfitness.com
I had to stop reading them - Cosmo - daytime magazine for the absolute most brainless.