Savage Love

Earlobe-stretching enthusiasts strike back against Dan's anti-plug rant. 

By Dan Savage

I am a twenty-two-year-old college grad who has been living at home for the last year. My parents are divorced, so I've gone back and forth from one place to the other. The other day, I was using my father's computer, and the history came up on the search engine. It turns out that while I am in the house, my father views pornography that involves incest fantasies. I felt quite disturbed by what I saw — it made me physically sick — and I'm wondering if I should continue to have a relationship with my father.

In a week, I start a new job in another country — so I can get away from him for a while and think about my options. What should I do? Should I tell him that I know about it and I'm not interested in having a relationship with him anymore? Do I tell my friends or family? Should I trust what my gut is telling me and pack up, jump in a cab, and never talk to him again?

— Disturbed And Distressed

There are people who are turned on by incest scenarios — hypothetical dads seducing hypothetical daughters, fictional moms seducing fictional sons — who are nevertheless revolted by the idea of actual incest, i.e., nonhypothetical fuck sessions with their own nonfictional family members. Many of these incest fetishists have sent me letters over the years, DAD, wondering what's wrong with them. Or wondering what's right with what'swrong with them, I should say, as they're turned on by incest fantasies but not, as they're invariably relieved to add, by incest realities. So what gives?

It's the thrill of violating a taboo, not a child; it's the power dynamics that have been eroticized, not the parental dynamics — but that's for another column. You wrote, DAD, because you don't know what to do about your dad.

Unless your father has given you reason to suspect that he actually wants to fuck you — unless finding your dad's porn helped you to identify a pattern of inappropriate behaviors on your father's part with but one possible interpretation (he actually wants to fuck you) — let's give your father the benefit of the doubt, shall we? Let's assume that one of the many letters I've received from incest fetishists was written by your dad.

I'm operating under an assumption: again, that your father has never done anything that made you feel unsafe. If your discovery had led you to connect a bunch of deeply creepy dots, DAD, that's surely something you would've mentioned in your letter. Which is why I'm not just urging you to give your father the benefit of the doubt, however revolting his taste in porn might be, but also to take what you found out about him and stuff it down the memory hole.

Don't say anything to your father, DAD, or to anyone else. You no longer have to live with your father — or use his computer — and I see no need to terminate your relationship with him, or to go nuclear on his reputation, over a deeply creepy kink that your father neither asked for nor has ever attempted to act on.


1. Thirty-year-old gay man here. I was briefly dating someone until he was a huge asshole to me. I have since not had any contact with him. However, I have been Facebook stalking him and obsessing over pictures of the guys I assume he's dating now. Why am I having such a hard time getting over him? Our relationship was so brief! He's a major asshole!

2. It may help you to know that I lost my virginity by being raped when I was nineteen. I started dating only last year, because I thought sex was scary and never wanted to feel like that again and/or make anyone else feel like that. (The guy who raped me went on to become a born-again Christian!) This guy is only the second person I've ever dated. Do you think that's relevant?

3. I used to have stretched-out earlobes. When I took my plugs out, I did get "earlabia," but only for a few days, and then they closed up and no one really noticed.

— Normal Earlobes Now

1. I can't know for sure! But it sounds like you might still have feelings for this guy! Just a hunch!

2. I'm sorry that your very first sexual experience was so traumatic, NEN, and indeed it strikes me as relevant. You were violated and powerless during your very first sexual experience and now, ten years later, your relationship ended in a way that left you feeling violated and powerless. Stalking your ex on Facebook gives you a feeling of power over him, NEN, but that power is bogus, stalking him is making you miserable, and it's pushing back the date that you're finally over this guy. Knock it off.

3. You've given me hope for all the otherwise cute boys I see wandering around with stretched-out earlabia.


Hipster boys! Keep stretching your earlobes! I'm a hipster girl and stroking the silky texture of a nice stretched-out set of earlobes gets me insanely wet. And tongue-fucking a stretched piercing is enough to bring me most of the way to orgasm. If there are chicks with a kink for something, then surely there must be dudes who have a kink for it, too.

I stretched my own earlobes twenty years ago for mostly sexual reasons. I like the way it looks, but I did it primarily because I get off on having my ears fondled and licked. I figured that if someone licking the outside of my earlobe felt so good, imagine if someone could lick the inside of my earlobe! Now they can — and it's bliss!

I'm not saying you have to change your mind, Dan, because YKIOBINMK — your kink is okay but it's not my kink — but I was disappointed that you would come out so strongly against stretched-out earlobes. You're always defending lesser kinks. Could it be that you were unaware of mine?

— Yes, Ears Are Hot

I know enough about sex — and enough about kink — to know that if something exists, someone out there somewhere is perving on it. And if a particular something is made of human flesh and has a hole in the middle of it, someone out there somewhere is sticking fingers, tongues, dicks, or gerbils in it, making sex tapes while they do it, and then posting the video on the World Wide Interwebs for all to enjoy.

Somehow it didn't occur to me that there were earlabia fetishists out there, so I appreciate — kindasorta — you taking the time to clue me in. While I may disapprove of silky, stretched-out sets of earlabia, YEAH, I will defend to the death your right to tongue them.


You're going to catch hell for your earlobe observation, but I have to add this: I worked with a young man who decided that gauging his earlobes to the max was a sexy thing to do. When the look got old, he took the plugs out. Because of the size of the plugs, the holes in his ears would not close. He had to have them surgically cut and stitched, which made his ears look somewhat deformed. The cost was $800, and it wasn't covered by insurance.

— Just Saying

You've filled me with despair for all the otherwise cute boys I see wandering around with stretched-out earlabia.


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Commentarium (33 Comments)

Sep 21 11 - 1:06am

I'm just guessing here, but couldn't it be possible that DAD's dad may simply be turned on by the appearance of the actors in the porn scene and it has nothing to do with the fact that it is incest-themed? Perhaps he (DAD's dad) doesn't care what it's labeled as long as there's an old person and a young person involved.

Just saying.

Sep 21 11 - 7:38am

Not to mention that on a lot of flash video sites, the uploaders seem to like giving otherwise innocuous scenes incest-related titles (usually in broken English).

Sep 21 11 - 2:28am

...UNLESS the porn involved actual children. In which case it's child porn. In which case it's NOT ok.

Sep 21 11 - 2:53am

It's true: I have never actually wanted to fuck my best friend's mom, but oh the fantasies of the scenario.

Sep 21 11 - 4:22am

Henry makes an excellent point. The TABOO series was very popular and spanned decades. It seems unlikely everyone who got off on those movies actually wants to have sex with their own families.

Sep 21 11 - 5:47am

You stretched your earlobes 20 years ago, meaning you are probably around 40 now, and call yourself a 'hipster girl'? Pathetic. Act your age

Sep 21 11 - 11:02am

On one hand there are 40 year old hipsters. People keep getting older and keep fighting what that has traditionally meant. The whole Peter Pan thing is its own issue that's up for debate. But I'm with you as far as someone who's probably around 40 referring to themselves in the age-diminutive. I purposely don't date women who refer to themselves as girls because it seems to me like they're selling themselves short or generally indicating that they don't think of themselves as actualized.

Sep 22 11 - 3:07pm

Those kind of stupid stereotype labels are really something for teenagers... I don't think people in their 40s aren't 'allowed' to wear certain clothes or stretch their ears, but referring to yourself as a girl AND as a silly teenage label is really REALLY immature....

Sep 25 11 - 3:52pm

Well if they're "allowed" to wear certain clothes or stretch their ears, aren't they "allowed" to use whatever language they want to self-describe?

You tell them to "act their age" but apparently that DOES NOT include their actions, yet it DOES include the language they use.

Sep 21 11 - 9:58am

If I found any porn history in a family member's browser history, I'd think of some way to drop hints... maybe say "Dad, you wouldn't believe this, I was planning on buying my boyfriend a surprise gift of XYZ but he found out because he saw that I had been searching for XYZ in my browser history. I guess there is a way you can set your browser to automatically erase your history..."

Hopefully they'll realize this might happen to them without catching on that you saw their history. Then other family members will be spared the horrors of finding out that dad is a trans-centaur-bondage fetishist.

Sep 21 11 - 9:17pm

Maybe I wouldn't look in my dad's history... it's not like it was a girlfriend that he thought was cheating or anything. Besides, it was obviously also a house or family computer, DAD should've minded his own damned business.

Sep 21 11 - 10:00am

Tasteful tattoos and stretched earlobes are always a good thing. Most earlobes can stretch up to a 2 gauge or a 0 gauge and still close naturally without any real effort or problems. Anything bigger than that and you run the risk of permanently stretched lobes.

Sep 21 11 - 1:12pm
Just no...

Anyone who ends a statement with "Just Saying" should be automatically discredited.

Sep 21 11 - 3:54pm

Anyone who ends a statement with "Just Saying" should be automatically discredited, just saying. ;)

Sep 21 11 - 6:26pm

I just wanted to say that anyone who says something just, just shouldn't say it. Just saying.

Sep 21 11 - 2:59pm

The original hipsters--cats like Dizzy Gillespie, Lenny Bruce and Lord Buckley--who made the scene in the late 40s and stuck around through the late 50s and early 60s-- were still hipsters in their 40s. However, YEAH seems to want to be one of today's imitation hipsters, with the skinny jeans and PBR. Maybe seeing her wearing an ironic Blink-187 teeshirt will turn other hipsters into something, um, hipper.

Sep 21 11 - 3:21pm

OK now I'm getting confused here. I Am 57. If I wear my Sex Pistols T-shirt am I being retro or ironic? Or both? The Beatles shirt?

Sep 22 11 - 10:03am

No, you're just keeping it real.

Sep 23 11 - 9:21pm

Skinny Puppy T shirt and I am believing it...

Sep 21 11 - 3:36pm

I know that stretching your ear was a fad for a while, and you can go up to a certain size without doing permanent damage to your ears.

Sep 22 11 - 11:40am
No Thanks

I'm seeing a boy who used to have gauges. Yes, they closed up before I even met him, but now they look like weird little puckered earring holes. He's insanely hot regardless, but...while not quite on the level of YEAH, I love sucking/biting earlobes, and with him I'm always terrified that there's going to be some crusty dead skin in there...or that I'm going to hurt him. I say no to any piercing that you're not planning to rock for ALL of your young/youngish/hot/single years. Even my girl friend's residual oil piercing hole is incredibly distracting to me.

Sep 22 11 - 12:04pm

that should read LIP piercing, of course. :)

Sep 23 11 - 1:23am

The reason plugs gross me out is because I know how disgusting they can smell. Unless you meticulously clean them every day, that shit will be smelling funky when someone is up close and personal.

Sep 27 11 - 11:57am
anna banana

plugs/stretched lobes shouldn't be what's grossing you out here. it should be the lack of peoples' personal hygiene. if someone takes a shower everyday, there should be no reason for stinky earholes! it's just part of my morning routine: brush teeth, wash face, clean piercings, moisturize, comb hair, etc... it's not meticulous at all.
& btw, i'm almost 40 and my lobes are at 1.25inches. i love my lobes and all the beautiful jewelry i get to wear in them to show them off!

Sep 24 11 - 11:53pm

To Ugh: 40 isn't old and one day it'll be you. Ha! If I died today they would say "40? Too young to die!" I mean, if she's stretched her ears for 20 years -- that was what, 1991? That was extreme back then! Take a dose of maturity.

Sep 25 11 - 6:43pm
Good Ol' Dad

Good for DAD's dad. I'd be happy to know my dad's sex drive isn't dead, and then reflect on all the weird shit that gets me off...

Dec 08 11 - 10:40am

AMEN! Everyone has a weird and maybe even secret fettish. It may be a passing thought while you're having sex/pleasuring yourself. It may not be something you google and watch, but the point is you thought of it. as far as wether or not DAD should tell about the kink, For all we know that is how the child was concived. Maybe his/her mother was into Role play. What goes on in the bedroom is NO ONES BUISNESS!!! With the exception of child porn. and i also frown upon beastyality. But hey, YKIOBINMK.

Sep 25 11 - 9:18pm

Tongue fuck someone's stretched earholes??? Ugh I've heard the odor of those holes is one of the most repellent things around, I would not put my tongue in there. Also what sort of twat admits proudly that she/he's a hipster.

Sep 27 11 - 12:10pm
anna banana

PERSONAL HYGIENE PREVENTS EAR STINK! not all stretched lobes smell bad! mine don't!

Oct 13 11 - 2:07am

streched lobes are sexy. my bf has his ears and his dick gauged and it just gets me so wet. ;)

Nov 20 11 - 8:56am

That saves me. Thanks for being so sesnible!

Nov 20 11 - 12:28pm

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Nov 24 11 - 1:55pm

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