Savage Love

I found my homophobic roommate's gay videos on XTube.

By Dan Savage

I am an eighteen-year-old straight male. I have a hodgepodge of birth defects that affect my genitalia: severe hypospadias (my urethra is at the base of my penis), micropenis (less than two inches), and anorchia (I was born without testes). I have never been naked around anyone else. I don’t really like being naked by myself, to be honest.

Lately, my sex drive has skyrocketed, and it is driving me up the wall. This, coupled with the fact that women see me as attractive, is beginning to present a real problem. I’m frustrated that sexual situations are presenting themselves to me and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve recently started college, and it’s endlessly irritating to see my friends having relationships and being sexually active. I know that casual sex/flings will never be an option for me, but I’m dying over here!

— Messed Up Junk

“His story is one that is very familiar to us,” says Tiger Howard Devore, vice president of the Hypospadias and Epispadias Association (HEA). “He should know that he is not rare and many with his kind of genital difference have learned how to communicate about their difference to potential intimate partners.”

You’re right, MUJ: Casual sex/flings — shucking off your clothes and jumping into bed with a girl you’ve just met — may never be an option for you. But you know what? Drunken college hookups last an hour or two, but the communication skills you’re going to have to develop to navigate your sex life will last a lifetime.

You will have a sex life, MUJ, and there is a lot you can do. There are women out there who prefer tongues, toys, and touch to vaginal penetration. On the Savage Lovecast, I took a call from a woman who was worried she would never find a partner because, although she enjoys other kinds of sex, she’s physically incapable of vaginal intercourse; there’s a new dating website for straight men and women “who cannot engage in sexual intercourse” (2date4love.com); and if you fall in love with a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse, sex shops sell strap-on dildos to men, too.

In short, MUJ, you have options. You also have role models.

“One of the most validating and reassuring experiences someone with genital difference can have,” says Devore, “is to meet with others who share their birth history and have dealt with the same issues of self-acceptance, shame, and isolation, and the challenge of intimate relationships.”

HEA hosts an annual conference, and it’s coming up, MUJ. If you can get your ass to Chicago over the weekend of October 21–23, I strongly encourage you to attend HEA 2011.

“Connecting with others who share his difference is the best way to end his isolation and begin his healing,” says Devore. “At the conference, he’ll get expert information from doctors and psychologists, and he’ll meet men who have grown up just like him and have faced the same fears and overcome them.”

HEA offers financial aid to men who otherwise wouldn’t be able to attend — an experience that is life changing and, in some cases, life saving — I’ve made a donation so more men with hypospadias can attend this year. I’m encouraging my readers to do the same: www.heainfo.org.

 

I’m a twenty-six-year-old girl from Austria currently seeing a guy who likes to tie me up and gag me. It is just cuffs and ball gags so far, and I’m enjoying it!

Recently he sent this text message: “mummification sounds fun.” In his case, “sounds fun” means “I wish to try it.” I looked it up online, and I was scared frigid after watching this video of a guy wrapping a woman: first in cling film, then in duct tape! Face and everything! It seemed like something out of a horror movie! I texted him back: “I realize this could be a lot of fun for you, but I don’t think I can do that.” He’s never mentioned it again.

I feel awful for denying him. I tell myself it’s about trusting the other person (yes, we have safe words), but I just can’t shake off the feeling of creepiness! Is there anything I can do to get over being terrified? Was it fair to say, “Not gonna happen?”

— Because I Am Scared

“BIAS should know that it was absolutely okay for her to say, ‘Not gonna happen,’” says Tynan Fox, kinkster, activist, and blogger (tynanfox.com). Fox, just twenty-seven, has been into mummification for more than a decade — he’s been on both sides of the duct tape — but says he can appreciate why even some bondage fans aren’t into it.

“Many people are claustrophobic,” says Fox, “and they can’t stomach the idea of being wrapped up, and who can blame them? Mummification is extreme play. But her boyfriend is being completely appropriate — she said she wasn’t interested, he hasn’t mentioned it again — and they should both be commended for their open and honest communication.”

The only way to get over your feelings of terror, if you want to explore this, is to try it while taking things very, very slowly. “She doesn’t have to go directly to the full-out body-and-head-covering Saran Wrap/duct tape combo,” says Fox. “Pace yourselves! Begin with Saran Wrap only, just from the shoulders to the ankles. If she freaks, the boyfriend cuts her loose and it’s over. If the scene goes well, they can add a little more next time. Eventually, she may find the restriction and sensory deprivation provides a heightened sense of sexual awareness and makes her extremely horny.”

 

I moved in with a friend of a friend when I was desperate to find housing in a new city. The guy I live with would be an ideal roommate except he sometimes makes homophobic comments. I never told him I’m gay — I didn’t feel the need up front and now I don’t feel comfortable — but homophobia is not the reason I am writing you. The situation goes deeper.

In the midst of my online exploits, I found an Xtube channel for a guy who is most certainly my roommate. He wears a mask in the videos, but the voice and build are the same, same tattoos, and his bedroom is unmistakable. In the videos, he fucks himself silly with massive dildos — MASSIVE — while begging for cock. Part of me wants to pull one of the videos up the next time he makes a comment. Part of me loves the idea of giving this homophobe a good fucking. What would you do?

— Roommate’s Anal Movies

Your living situation sounds like a setup for a great porn parody, RAM. (When a Stranger Comes: “The ass-stretching amateur porn is coming from inside the apartment!”) It also sounds like an opportunity. If you’re into this guy — and, having watched his videos (thanks for the link), it looks like you could literally walk right into this guy — why not seize that great, big, gaping opening created by your little discovery?

The next time your roommate makes a homophobic remark, RAM, tell him you’re gay, tell him you don’t appreciate his comments, and tell him you’re somewhat mystified by his remarks in light of his body of work. Then roll the tape.

There’s a chance — a slim chance — that he’s not gay and just enjoys anal play, sexual transgression, and the attention he gets from men online. Here’s hoping you wind up fucking some sense into your roommate and an apology out of him.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net
 

Commentarium (32 Comments)

Oct 05 11 - 8:27am
Doofus

"tell him you’re somewhat mystified by his remarks in light of his body of work. Then roll the tape. "

Awful, awful advice. Never humiliate someone who could stick your toothbrush up their ass as revenge.

Oct 05 11 - 9:34am
or...

...beat you senseless. Christ, Dan, get a grip! (pun not intended)

Oct 05 11 - 1:30pm
aa

agreed. and is it possible that the homophobe found a way to make extra money by doing sex videos? yea he's prolly a closet case but a speculation.

Oct 05 11 - 2:40pm
KS

Yeah, I agree. Sounds like a declaration of war with someone who lives with you.

Oct 05 11 - 3:32pm
hkc

yeah, dan. i think that 99% of the time you're right on, but in this case? absolutely not. you've no idea how deep the self loathing goes with the roommate. why put the writer in harm's way?

Oct 07 11 - 12:02am
LLLLTLL

A

Oct 29 11 - 11:51pm
isaac

I think you should let sleeping dogs lie... you shouldnt, make a big deal about it and get outta there as soon as possible. confronting this masked, masochist, may provoke an aweful crime of passion. He obviously has issues. and i think he knows your gay.

Oct 05 11 - 9:25am
ZZ

Set it up so he can catch you jerking off. Either he'll jump you or you can roll out his little secret if he pretends to get creeped out.

Oct 09 11 - 10:18am
ji

best advice i've seen so far. also pretty logical.

Oct 05 11 - 9:29am
ss

I agree. RAM should start looking for a new place to live before even thinking about going down that road with his roommate.

Oct 09 11 - 10:19am
ji

this too. although not a 'solution'.

Oct 05 11 - 11:00am
Huh?

Dan's advice is not always good, and in this case it's downright stupid. Not to mention potentially dangerous.

Oct 07 11 - 9:38am
S

Not Stupid, but playing with fire.

Oct 05 11 - 11:17am
Moops

How about this; tell him you need to make some dill-flavored focaccia bread, and you want to borrow his dill dough.

Oct 05 11 - 12:10pm
David

Someone get Statler and Waldorf in here, now!

Oct 05 11 - 12:17pm
LM

amazing.

Oct 05 11 - 12:19pm
Ron

That just caused me to spit my coffee out all over my computer. Funny.

Oct 05 11 - 4:16pm
nope

Well played!

Oct 05 11 - 5:00pm
eva

I would love some dill flavored focaccia bread. Moops, you're a culinary genius.

Oct 05 11 - 12:33pm
nadia

RAM, how about this give your roommate, a gift, that you know he has to put to in front of the camara inside his room, like curtains or a poster, so next time you see those videos, you will know 100% sure, whether or not is your roommate the person the video.

Oct 05 11 - 12:58pm
Riiiight

What!? My videos are online now? Shit!

Oct 05 11 - 11:16pm
GeeBee

Woohoo! Riiiight made a comment and jr didn't reply!

Oct 05 11 - 11:21pm
Riiiight

That's because I am jr!

Oct 05 11 - 1:23pm
Kel

Agree with Dan up to "roll the tape." Clearly, roomie has sexual identity issues he's not negotiating well. Roomie could react by being startled, ashamed and belligerent when he realizes he's been exposed. And that wouldn't end well.

Oct 05 11 - 3:50pm
lessthan

It is time like these that I resent Dan's policy of not passing on the links. :-(

Oct 05 11 - 4:22pm
nope

What bothers me about Dan's advice is that it goes along with his philosophy of representing these closeted gay men as complete monsters, instead of what they really are--very sad, shamed, self-loathing men. Not that they aren't responsible for their actions, or that they should be completely absolved of their assholishness (especially politicians, who can inflict their self-loathing onto others), but it might be that if RAM just told his roommate that he was gay, in a non-confrontational way, it might help RAM's roommate come to terms with the fact that he's not alone, he's not abnormal, and he doesn't have to live in fear.

Oct 05 11 - 8:03pm
Meg

RAM should tell his roommate that he finds his comments offensive because he's gay. Being confrontational like that could end very badly, not to mention its completely insensitive to someone who clearly is not comfortable with themselves.

Oct 07 11 - 12:03am
Yes

Agree with these comments. I too usually agree with you Dan but your advice on this one made me nervous. The roommate could freak and attack him physically and/or mentally. Not the best way to handle it.

Nov 20 11 - 11:20pm
Stormy

What an awesome way to explain this-now I know erevytihng!

Nov 21 11 - 2:42pm
zpinrilo

9Wh1us hztcfrmvjdxn

Dec 08 11 - 10:02am
NicholeNeverMore

Having read this article AFTER reading your advice on the kinky craigslist add, I see you have gone from "roll the tape" to "KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT" Fantastic that we learned. I love all your articles and much of these comments seem negitive to me. I feel there are other ways he could handle it and hopefully he got some good pointers from the comments. Its been a while since this posting, i'd really like to know how this one worked out