Savage Love

My body can't keep up with my boyfriend's libido.

by Dan Savage

I'm a twenty-one-year-old woman from Canada who sleeps with other women. Two questions for you:

1. My LGBT friends and I disagree about what we girls who sleep with girls exclusively should call ourselves. Everyone else prefers "lesbian" and bitches at me for hating that word. Can't I call myself gay?

2. I am a really kinky person: I've been very sexually active and into BDSM since I was 16. I have a large toy collection and many of the toys are dildos and anal plugs. I like anal a lot, but the thought of vaginal just doesn't interest me, so I've never gone there. I've read about how breaking the hymen can hurt and — despite the fact that I enjoy being flogged and scratched — that scares me a little. Should I get over it and go to town or stick with everything else that works for me?

— Good Gay Girl

1. You can call yourself whatever you like, GGG, and your friends can call themselves whatever they like. They're entitled to their opinions, however, along with their preferred labels. Friends should be able to discuss their differing opinions and preferences without bitching and/or being so thin-skinned that a calm discussion about a sensitive subject is mistaken for bitching.

2. "Tearing the hymen doesn't always hurt and rarely hurts with any severity," says Debby Herbenick, sex researcher, vulva puppeteer, and coauthor (with Vanessa Schick) of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. "Going slow with a smallish, well-lubricated dildo is a good place to start, or two or three well-lubricated fingers. Doing this while highly aroused sets you up for a better experience."

But before you explore vaginal penetration, GGG, Herbenick recommends a trip to your nearest female-friendly sex-toy shop.

"If most of your toys have been used in the anus/rectum," says Herbenick, "it would be wise to get a new vagina toy."

And if you're broke?

"Then put a condom over a clean anal toy or clean a nonporous (glass, medical-grade silicone) anal toy before using it in the sensitive vagina," says Herbenick.

While most women enjoy vaginal penetration, GGG, not all women do. (And most women who enjoy vaginal penetration require additional, focused, and intense stimulation of the clit in order to get off.) If you decide vaginal penetration isn't for you, that's also a preference to which you're entitled.

 

 

I was chatting with a guy, and he mentioned that one time this girl accidentally vomited all over him during oral sex. He confessed that this turned him on. I consider myself GGG, but that is not something I'm game for. The thought of puking in a sexual scenario is completely unappealing. Does my refusal to do this revoke my GGG card? Or is this so out of the norm that I can refuse without losing my GGG card?

— Pleasing Upchucking = Kinky Extremism?

Let's revisit my original definition of GGG: "GGG stands for good, giving, and game, which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything — within reason."

Some kinksters skip past the "within reason" part of the definition when they're discussing kinks with vanilla partners. They shouldn't. Extreme bondage or SM, shit and puke, emotionally tricky humiliation play, demanding that your partner have sex with other people because it turns you on (asking your partner to assume all of the physical risks that go along with that, to say nothing of the emotional risks for a partner who isn't interested in having sex with other people), etc. — all of that falls under the FTF exclusion, or a "fetish too far," which you'll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE.

 

I'm a twenty-year-old female college student living with my twenty-three-year-old boyfriend. We've been dating for two years, and our sex life has always been awesome. My boyfriend has a high libido, so high that I can't always get him off when he wants it. He says I don't want to have sex with him, when we have sex probably four times a week and I'm totally happy to give him head, jerk him off, or take off my clothes for him any other time he asks. Whenever we sit down together, he's immediately horny and he gets cranky when I have to say no. Is this a ridiculously high libido? I try to be GGG, and he does the same for me, but I hate feeling guilty about not having sex with him constantly. I've started just telling him to masturbate to porn, and he does it willingly but usually whines a little first about how I "never" want to have sex. Totally false! My body just can't take it every day. What do I do?

— My Boyfriend Is Incredibly Horny

At two years, your boyfriend is getting vaginal intercourse four times a week, MBIIH, along with handjobs, blowjobs, and you standing there naked whenever he likes? Plus a cheerful okay to watch porn and jerk it whenever he feels the need?

You're not trying to be GGG, MBIIH, you are GGG.

Your boyfriend doesn't realize how good he's got it. He isn't lacking for sex; what he lacks is perspective. He clearly doesn't understand or appreciate what it's like to be on the receiving end of all that dick. Saying something like this might help him understand: "You know I love you, honey, and you know I love having sex with you. But if your hole got fucked every time we had ‘sex,' you wouldn't want to have ‘sex' more than four times a week, either." (I'm putting "sex" in quotes here because your boyfriend defines sex as "vaginal intercourse." I do not. Oral, handjobs, and visuals-with-a-partner — all of that counts as sex.)

If that doesn't do the trick, MBIIH, buy your boyfriend a dildo that's roughly the same size as his dick. Then tell him he can fuck your hole whenever he wants, for as long as he wants — so long as he fucks his own hole first, while you watch, for at least twenty minutes or so. Then he can fuck yours.

That might help him appreciate how good he's got it.

 

Never heard of you until a year ago.

I'm into "ball busting" — getting slapped or kicked in the nuts — but my wife was never willing. I did something stupid and saw an escort, just to get my balls busted (no sex), and my wife found out. She was talking about divorce when she told her best friend what was going on. Her friend told her to read your archives first.

You probably don't hear this from conservative Christian Republicans in red states very often, Mr. Savage, but my sense of honor requires it of me: thank you for saving my marriage. This "GGG" concept of yours transformed our marriage — it also led my wife to either discover or open up about her kink — and we are happier than ever. It isn't lost on me that I have a gay man to thank for keeping us from becoming another sad divorce statistic.

— Busted And Loving Life Supremely

You're welcome, BALLS, and all I ask in return for saving your marriage — besides video — is your support for the full legal recognition of mine. Deal?

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

Commentarium (57 Comments)

Nov 30 11 - 1:18pm
Saratoga Slim

Always horny boyfriend is not so much horny as he is a childish tyrant. It'll show up in other areas, just wait. She should move out before he does something awful and blames it on her lack of desire for him.

Nov 30 11 - 1:33pm
...

My thoughts exactly.

Nov 30 11 - 3:53pm
same

I actually had a boyfriend exactly like that. Our relationship ended up ending during a conversation about how if we couldn't have sex how he wanted to then we he wouldn't do it at all. I dumped him the next day.

Dec 01 11 - 3:31am
yup

I had a boyfriend like that. He treated me like a fuck doll and whined when I didn't want to have sex with him every time we were alone. That's emotional abuse plain and simple.

Dec 01 11 - 10:56am
Totally

I was married to that kind of man for almost 10 years. It got to the point that he told me if I couldn't have sex with him every day he was going to get a girl friend (mind you I was trying my best to go AT LEAST every other day, including anal at least twice a week even though he was rough and it hurt me just to make him happy with our sex life) and if I wasn't okay with that it was my fault we'd end up divorced. I filed about two months later. Emotional abuse for sure. Control and manipulation are not sexy.

Dec 01 11 - 7:19pm
Bobby

Wanting to have sex with your girlfriend makes you an emotional abusive tyrant? Yikes.

Just break up.

Dec 02 11 - 1:06am
PS-free

No, not respecting or appreciating her needs is. He GETS sex plenty. He has a great girlfriend who gives him all sorts of sex all the time and is open and willing to a lot. But the fact that sometimes her body hurts and she doesn't want it leads him to act like an immature two year old and throw a tantrum. THAT is manipulation and emotional abuse. If your partner is saying that they are hurting and you still want what you want regardless of that, then you're an ass. And in this case, the boyfriend is being an ass. And we're all calling him out on it.

Dec 02 11 - 8:28am
Bobby

'and we're all calling him out on it'

you take this stuff personally!? You know he's not reading.

Dec 02 11 - 10:28pm
Kat

I think you have to know the kind of guy that MBIIH is talking about before judging him. My boyfriend also is extremely horny. However, he puts up with the fact that my libido isn't as high as his. He (acts like) he is content to simply cuddle. At first he was not like this. He complained that I didn't love him anymore and the spark was gone. I just explained that I love having sex with him but other factors come into play like sleep, my cycle, etc. Sometimes I just don't want to. He tries his best to understand now. We just had to talk and I suggest MBIIH does the same.

Dec 03 11 - 12:56am
Publius

Good response, Bobby.

Dec 03 11 - 12:16pm
tre

This is why people in their early twenties should live on their own. I don't think her boyfriend is a bad guy, he just has a high libido (because he's twenty-three). In all likelihood, this is the first time he's ever had such ready access to sex. The girl should try to make him aware that living together is about more than getting off, and let him know that sometimes he will still need to masturbate on his own.

Dec 04 11 - 8:48am
The Dude

In a shitty economy, most people CAN'T afford to live on thier own.

Dec 05 11 - 7:07pm
jaycee

There's a valuable point in mismatched sex drives, but being a childish twit about it is not the answer. Communicate and compromise a bit.

Nov 30 11 - 1:36pm
cfg

MBIIH's boyfriend is going to be in for a rude awakening when his girlfriend dumps his bitchy ass and he has try and find another girl who is as GGG as the last one. Reality check! Most ladies in their early 20's don't want to have sex every day AND aren't comfortable with their boyfriends looking at porn.

Nov 30 11 - 2:26pm
yeah

I had a similar boyfriend in college. He used sex to manipulate me constantly. But it's true--MBIIH's boy has no idea how good he's got it. My ex didn't until he came crawling back a couple months later...again, again, and again. Telling him no for six months before he finally stopped calling was both sad and satisfying.

I think she should dump this guy and find one who appreciates what a rational, sexy badass MBIIH is. They ARE out there, you don't have to settle for anyone who is unappreciative of who you are.

Nov 30 11 - 2:57pm
Catfishman

When it comes to frequency of having sex in a relationship, there is a range of desires. When we first became married my wife wanted sex once a day and I wanted sex twice a day. This worked out with once a day during the week and at least twice a day during the weekend. Now in our 60's, it is once a day everyday with occasionally twice a day. Three days after birth to our son, she wanted to have sex even when I said that we should wait. She won. We had sex until the day our son was born. She wanted to and won. The problem is getting someone with the same level of desire as yourself. If both people want it once a year, then that is fine too. However, it might be difficult for two people with this level of desire to find each other. On the other hand, I once intereviewed a girl who would have sex with her boyfriend if he allowed her to throw up after a meal so that she would not gain weight. She got what she wanted and he got what he wanted. Both were happy.

Nov 30 11 - 8:03pm
Uhh..

Eww Catfishman

Nov 30 11 - 11:06pm
JCB

Yeah, that was cool until the throwing up part. WTF?

Dec 01 11 - 12:48am
AlexT

Maybe that bulemic girl might have been perfect for Blowjob Vomiter Guy. Just saying. (eeesh)

Dec 01 11 - 11:52am
ughh

why are eating disorders a normal phanomenon nowadays?

Dec 01 11 - 3:43pm
AHHH

Lol @AlexT Ohh man. I agree from both point of veiws. I have dated someone who was constantly horny and demanded sexual things often. It lead to them being selfish, even though they assumed it wasnt since both of us were getting some. Not true. I currently date someone who is horny all the time, but is a perfect gentleman. How? Because when I dont want to, He's okay with that. I always help him out when he needs it, be it blowjobs or a little teasing moaning and dirty talk.

Nov 30 11 - 3:45pm
in Bed With Married

This made me take a moment to appreciate that I don't have a more unusual fetish like wanting someone to vomit on me or whatever. Mainly b/c of the awkwardness of bringing it up, admitting it, having to work it into conversation, etc... ("Sooo, speaking of vomit and sex...). Not saying it judgey--just don't like extra work, I guess.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

Nov 30 11 - 4:33pm
Clint Eastwood

Alright everybody. Cut the horny boyfriend some slack here. There is no need to start jumping on the "dump his ass and kick'em to the curb" bandwagon here. Firstly, I don't think there is enough information in MBIIH posted question to merit this harsh judgement. I think Dan Savage's advice for that particular question is certainly valid - although a little dramatic and over zealous. The answer is simple: COMMUNICATION. It seems as though, based on the tone of her question that there is some sort of a miscommunication between the two people. Sure the guy loves sex. Who doesn't? Sure it may seem unreasonable to want it that much when his girlfriend can't necessarily keep up, however, has she even tried explaining this to him? Saying "well just go and watch some porn" is not really communication. In my honest opinion, it's the quality, not qanitity of sex. I am a 24 year old heterosexual man. I have plenty of sex in my life. My partner and I enjoy each other so much because we communicate and are not afraid of communication. Thus, we are constantly on the same page. This couple should do the same and see what happens.

Nov 30 11 - 10:41pm
some guy

totally agreed.

Dec 01 11 - 1:08am
AlexT

She's tried communicating with him about it. He just refuses to take her refusal for an answer without "whining," being "cranky" and trying to manipulate her by claiming they "never do it." That's not a communication problem, that's a "My boyfriend acts like a spoiled two year old when he doesn't get what he wants" problem.

(Warning: kind of sexist counterexample, but I suppose "overly horny boyfriend" is equally stereotypical.)

Imagine you had a girlfriend who wanted to go out to dinner EVERY night, and you two already went out for dinner 4x a week AND often got brunch on Sunday. Even though you guys take turns on picking up the check, you're going broke just due to the sheer frequency. She might be able to afford to go out every night, but you just can't. You tell her you'd actually prefer to stay in and cook a little more often to save money.

But instead of seeing your point (which is reasonable) and compromising, she pouted and whined and said ridiculous things like how you "NEVER" took her out and you were a big jerk stick-in-the-mud.

Would you think, "Gee, this girl really enjoys going out on the town with me"? Or would you think, "this dinner whore needs to think of someone besides herself for once, not everyone's made of money!"

Same exact situation, except it's sex instead of dinner.

Dec 01 11 - 11:43am
hmmm

hard to communicate with someone who OBVIOUSLY has no respect for his girlfriend. I think Dan was too Mild with the him if anything.

Dec 01 11 - 12:54pm
Clint Eastwood

Again, jumping to these conclusions and harsh judgement. Nowhere in her question does it say that she actually tried communicating these issues with her boyfriend. She said their sex life has been great for the past 2-years. Ladies, men are not mind readers. If something is wrong, tell us. If the feeling is mutual regarding a great sex life for the past 2-years, then "we" (this guy in said article), probably still think that there is great sex happening. If there is any issue whatsoever, communicate the problem. Men actually do want to work things out and make it better for both parties.

Dec 01 11 - 3:50pm
AHHH

I'm fairly sure she stated the problem if he whines about it and instead of having sex with him she blows him tosses him and stands there nude so he can jerk it and when she doesnt want to or doesnt have time, she tells him he can totally watch porn. She put it out there pretty plain and simple for Mr.Savage. He complains and whines when he doesnt get SEX. There's nothing more to it than that. Its wonderful that you and your girlfriend have amazing sex all the time and open communication, but thats due tot he fact you arent whiney and you respect her wishes and she respects yours right? This man doesnt do that. So Yes, He is the issue. Not communication.

Dec 02 11 - 3:34am
AlexT

I'm guessing that Clint Eastwood must use the words "jumping to conclusions" and "harsh judgement" and "communication" a lot - like whenever HE hears the word No from his allegedly happy lady. Everyone knows how communication's supposed to improve in that scenario, right? Instead of using the word "No," explain your feelings better, and keep doing it until you start using the word "Yes."

Personal to Clint: One day, you're going to come home, kiss your lady hello, and taste someone else's cock. We realize that men aren't "mind-readers," of course, so let me just clue you in a bit in advance as to how such a sordid thing ends up happening:

Perhaps you and your lady keep having a disagreement about something; in all likelihood, it's something you're doing that pisses her off. It doesn't really matter what it is- in the first letter, it's being selfish about sex. But it could just be that you drink all the milk, you don't put gas in the car, you never want to go to her favorite restaurant, etc. You don't see what the big deal is, though, so you don't see the necessity in permanently changing your behavior. You "try" to remember not to do it, but you don't try very hard and you slip up sometimes. Okay, probably like every other time.

But you're sick of hearing her nag about it, so you start saying things to get her to STFU. A good way to do that is to pretend that the 10th time she told you "buy more milk if you're going to drink it all" is the very first time you ever heard it. "Men aren't mind-readers!" The "men aren't mind-readers" line is good for at least like 10 more times, maybe even more if you space out your slip-ups long enough.

Then, there's the next 10 or so times that you drink all the milk and "forget" to replace it. It's such a PITA to stop at the store, you're tired from work, you just want to go home and relax. Whoops, there's the store, missed the exit, too late. Surely everyone can do without a little milk until the next time someone (her) makes a grocery run!

But in the event your increasingly annoyed lady points out that "once again you didn't replace the milk!" You say it's because she didn't "communicate" the urgency of milk replacement well enough. Or the even more effective alternative, "You didn't tell me to stop and get milk!" Because people shouldn't expect the person who finished the milk to recall that more is needed without prompting. That line's good for at least another 10 times- more if you're able to pace yourself.

Then there's the next 10 times you don't replace the milk. And by now, your woman is pissed. At first, she expresses her anger. "How many fucking times do I have to tell you to replace the fucking fuck MILK when you fucking fuck DRINK IT ALL" And instead of feeling contrite, you fight back all psychological-like. "Jesus Christ, what's with the harsh judgement??! All this over milk?! I didn't shoot the president! Maybe you need some anger management classes! Or Xanax! I'm not sure I can be around you when you're like this!" The more sanctimonious, the better. You will not stand for this sort of abuse! Even though you were totally the dick who forgot the milk for the jillionth time, she now feels like the giant asshole. This tactic is so effective that you keep using it, even if by that 10th time she's actually using a completely normal, rational tone of voice.

The next 10 times you drink all the milk, she doesn't say anything. Success! You've finally got her off your back about the stupid fucking milk. And it only took you 50 times of drinking it all and passive-aggressively refusing to replace it. It's about time she got over herself about the stupid milk!

Then comes the 51st time you drink all the milk. She still doesn't say anything. You know she'll just stop on the way and pick more up if she wants it. You go off to work, happy as a clam. Life is good! You leave work. Oh look, she beat you home. You kiss her hello; her mouth tastes funny and she's got a little dried stuff on her lip. She must have bought milk on the way home and had some. Maybe you'll have some too! You open the fridge and see...hmmm. No milk.

But, it's like you said...men aren't mind-readers.

Dec 02 11 - 10:29am
AHHH

Agreed with what you were trying to express. But thinks its unlikely that his wife would suck someone elses cock cause hes an ass bout milk. But then again, it's not really about the milk.

Dec 03 11 - 12:59am
Publius

ROFLMFAO @AlexT best post of the year

Nov 30 11 - 8:24pm
notfromaroundhere

Cut the horny boyfriend some slack. First of all, that kind of desire is not AT ALL unusual at that age. Second, the desire for sex isn't just physical. It fills emotional needs as well. The fact that it's not just orgasms he's looking for is a good clue. She could try giving him more emotional reassurance. Third, if he made sure she was really warmed up and maybe had one or several orgasms before the fucking began, a) there would be more in it for her and b) she'd be more relaxed and a lot more lubricated, so it would be less likely to make her sore. Fourth: Lube. Fifth, let's not rule out that she may be power tripping on her ability to withhold something he is desperate for. Sixth, some women who get sore after sex find that their bodies adapt to having more sex after a just couple of days of days of doing it even if it's a little tender down there at first.

Nov 30 11 - 9:16pm
chicken tacos

Just wondering where your reasoning for #6 comes from, because if you can "walk it off" when you have a beat up vag, I want to know about it! Plus, they've been together for 2 years. I think she would've adapted by now if that were possible.

Dec 01 11 - 12:42am
Yeah

Notaroundhere, you're clearly a guy. You say there's an emotional component to this? Then maybe guilt-tripping a girl into having sex more than she wants to could have emotional ramifications on her. The boyfriend sounds like a baby. He's making no effort to meet her halfway, and she is.

Dec 01 11 - 3:32am
Dee

If she is power tripping, she would have nixed the porno. Dude should jerk it and thank heavens he found someone to put up with his emotionally manipulative bullshit.

Dec 01 11 - 11:49am
jill

notfromaroundhere and clint eastwood need to get a reality check. Sexist, pig men who are too weak to take a critical look at their own gender. (God know that they need not look very far!) Besides, why should we cut the so-called "horny" boy who sounds more like a controlling jerk some slack? Have they not read about the women that have commented on here who were in similar situations? How about cutting US some slack!

Dec 01 11 - 12:50pm
Clint Eastwood

Take it easy Jill! What's with all the anger and hate? If you actually read my previous post, I am just advocating for communication between the couple because it doesn't say anywhere in the above question that she actually tried to communicate this issue with her "horny boyfriend." Not to mention, in the 2nd sentence, she even says that their sex life has been great for the past 2-years. Also, call me an asshole (I don't care), do yourself a favor and stop acting like the world is against you and the "all men seem to be conspiring against me" bullshit attitude.

Dec 01 11 - 1:41pm
The Dude

Did this dude Clint E even read the article? Part of the issue is that her boyfriend IS complaining about the sex. Plus, the girl is not dumb, I am sure she tried to communicate with him. That is probs why she is writing Dan.
Also, I do not think this chick used the words "all men seem to be conspiring against me". Do not words in her mouth man, relax. You are the one that needs to take it easy. Also, while your at it, you might wanna read this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-wome...
Ima have a white russian now :)

Dec 01 11 - 3:54pm
Tru

THANK YOU THE DUDE. Seriously. Couldn't agree more

Dec 02 11 - 7:16pm
nope

The Dude, that article was great.

Dec 03 11 - 1:02am
Clit Eastwood

Gah! You're all haters. Chill out and spend more time understanding what you might not know rather than assuming waht you don't know. Thanks fer listenin'. Sincerely, Clit.

Dec 04 11 - 8:48am
The Dude

Your welcome, peace out :)

Dec 01 11 - 4:14pm
thank you!

The Dude, awesome article. I will be passing it around.

Dec 02 11 - 6:37am
Heather

Clint Eastwood is crazy and comes up with conclusions that bear no resemblence to the problem. Thanks for the article, The Dude. I know men who are like that. But I also know men who are not :)

Dec 03 11 - 1:02am
Leather Hockwood

Again, the assumptions. Can we dial it back to zero and start over? The hating seems to be endemic here.

Dec 02 11 - 7:37am
Copenhagen

Since the hymen does NOT exist, it doesn't hurt when it "tears". The first time you experience vaginal penetration can hurt though, but not very much. The idea of the hymen and the pain that comes along with it, only exists to keep women from having sex, thus remaining "pure" before marriage. Sucky move, old-timey dudes.

Dec 02 11 - 1:47pm
JDC

I cannot believe you wrote this utter crap.

Dec 02 11 - 7:15pm
nope

Hahaha what? Tell that to any woman who bled during her first tie, or a woman with an imperforate hymen, or a woman who broke her hymen and had pain and/or bleeding after athletic, non-penetrative activity.

Dec 03 11 - 1:04am
grope

ya whatever nope. bunch of whiners. suck it up like a cowboy, pussy. so tired of the crying women thing going on here.

Dec 03 11 - 4:32pm
joelll

Woaw! Hermann Cain! Get the hell Outtah here!

Dec 02 11 - 10:22am
Uhh, No

It exists. In fact, it can be used during autopsies to determine if a victim is a virgin or not in SVU cases. So calling it something that is an “idea” and "only exists to keep women from having sex" in order to remain pure is completely false. Also if this 20 some year old woman uses tampons there’s a chance that its already broken. Personally I think the rumor of pain during first time sex isn’t from the skin breaking, Its probably more to the fact that the women aren’t wide enough their first time to accommodate their first sexual partner. for some, it doesn’t hurt at all. In my opinion, enjoyable sex has a lot to do with having someone that fits with you (or in some cases, doesn’t fit, just how you may like.) In Good Gay Girls case, something that fits well with her.

Dec 05 11 - 4:32pm
KH

Yes. And as for the "rumor" of pain, I and at least two of my friends cried the first time we had sex with our boyfriends. One of those friends bled a lot, but the other friend and I didn't bleed at all. It was still incredibly painful (and remained painful the next four or five times). Years later, after I had given birth and healed, it took another three months for sex to not be painful because I had to soften and stretch out the scar tissue. Sorry to be so graphic but this is the reality of being a heterosexual woman; for a while, sex hurts. For some of us, it hurts a lot.

Dec 02 11 - 4:40pm
notfromaroundhere

Chicken tacos, when my girlfriend explained this to me, I was pretty surprised, so I don't blame you for being skeptical. It certainly worked for her, but it might not work for you, which is why I said "some" women. It doesn't follow that the LW would have adapted by now if it were possible, since she might not have tried it. It's certainly counterintuitive. Could be pretty rare, too, since only that one woman said that. But we were having sex at least twice a day and used to spend all day in bed on weekends doing it over and over. We were on fire. That's never happened before or since, either. So maybe "some" women was an exaggeration....

;-)

Yeah, I agree that "guilt-tripping a girl into having sex more than she wants to could have emotional ramifications on her." I don't think the guy is handling the situation very well. In fact, he's handling it in a counter-productive way.

But I also know what it feels like to want sex a lot more often than one's partner does. It's frustrating and feels like rejection, even though it isn't rejection. I used to feel that when I was younger. Now that I'm older, my testosterone levels are lower and I don't get so worked up about it. And I also have a guy friend who finds it difficult to keep up with his wife who wants to have sex AT LEAST once a day, as a minimum and thinks he's losing his passion for her if he doesn't put out. That's rarer, of course, but it does happen.

Maybe he needs to get better in bed so she'd want to do it more often. Or maybe she needs to get better at blowjobs so that he finds them a better substitute. We have no way of knowing.

Dee, no, that just doesn't follow. And jerking off isn't a substitute. I feel sorry for you if you think that it is. Maybe you'll meet someone someday who won't make you feel like he's just jerking off when he has sex with you.

Dec 02 11 - 10:37pm
K-Star

I am incredibly horny too and I'd be kinda bummed if my bf only wanted to do me 4 times a week. Yeah my vagina hurts after, say, 6 times in one day but it's still pleasurable..maybe more so. Maybe they are not sexually compatible enough? Also GGG, if you have engaged in rough play even without penetration your hymen may already be broken. Hurray!

Dec 03 11 - 1:05am
G-String

Hey, I like you. Let's hook up.

Dec 03 11 - 6:57pm
yeah

The issue with MBIIH has very little to do with sex and a lot to do with respect. The stupid old argument that women don't want sex and men do is off-topic and has resulted in an absurd and offensive discussion. I was in a similar relationship--but for me the roles were sort of reversed. I was the one who wanted sex 3+ times a week. My ex used that to manipulate me and make me feel guilty for my natural desire to have sex with my boyfriend. When we had sex, it was good. But many times when I tried to initiate sex, he would lash out and accuse me of being slutty and of using him as a dildo. At 20, wanting sex several times a week is normal--MALE OR FEMALE. But MBIIH's issue is not about sex--it's about respect for your partner's wants, desires, and needs, even if you disagree with them. There is no excuse for being rude, or "cranky", or in any way punishing your partner for COMMUNICATING their needs. Her need was a physical break. His need was sex. They can talk about it and that's great, but the fact that he automatically punishes her for turning him down by acting out is immature, disrespectful, and can lead to an emotionally abusive situation. It did for me. THAT is the issue. Not who's hornier , or what constitutes an acceptable libido, or whether blow jobs and porn are a substitute for sex, or how women and men differ on this subject. We can all agree that when we voice our needs to our partner, we expect that person to be respectful and receptive, even if the outcome ends up being, "Well, there's a vast discrepancy between our libidos. If we can't work around this, we should both move on." That's an acceptable response from either her or her boyfriend. Making your partner feel shame, guilt, or inadequacy for being honest is not acceptable. From either sex.

I now live with a great man and we have sex many times a week. When he says no, I accept it. When I say no, he accepts it. No manipulation, no guilt, no shame, plenty of sex, and some masturbation.

Dec 11 11 - 4:59pm
jparkes

People have different needs...tell him, but also tell him how frequently you'd like to have sex so he knows how you feel. If he's any kind of real man he will either say thats fine and mean it, or he'll leave. Either way honesty is the only way to be truly happy.
Buy him some Tenga products for solo or assisted use. That should be an easy compromise.