Savage Love

My girlfriend stopped being sexual until we got married. But now we’re married, and now she hasn’t started again.

By Dan Savage

I am a straight twenty-four-year-old female who has known my fiancé since freshman year of college. He has a fetish where he likes to watch women use the bathroom. I knew this, having seen some of his porn early on, and I accepted it. We all have kinks. But while peeing in front of someone isn’t that big of a deal, shitting in front of someone is hard.

So we had a lovely night going, when I had to poop. We went into the bathroom together. He got very horny, but I couldn’t go. I said I was sorry, maybe I’ll be more relaxed later, and he goes, “Well, let’s fuck in here in case you have to go.” He wanted to do it sitting on the toilet with me on top. No go. Too hard, so we went in my room and had amazing sex and smoked a joint. I wanted to have sex again, but he wanted to wait to see if I could go. He said, “Drink some coffee! Smoke a cigarette!” I love him and want to be GGG, but the pressure turned me off. (1) Is this my fault for bringing it up? (2) Was his pressuring me wrong? (3) How should I approach this situation without sounding like a bitch?

— Pressured Over Observable Performance

1. You didn’t do anything wrong when you brought it up, POOP, and he didn’t do anything wrong when he got excited about the possibility of having his fantasy realized.

2. Yes. However excited your fiancé was about finally realizing his watch-my-girl-take-a-shit fantasy, he shouldn’t have pressured you to perform once it became clear that it wasn’t gonna happen. (And he shouldn’t encourage you to smoke cigarettes; those things will kill you.) Shitting in front of someone — and here’s hoping that’s as far as his interest in poop goes — isn’t easy, POOP, and badgering you won’t help. Your fiancé, if he knows what’s good for him, will hang back, let you set the pace, and thank his lucky fucking stars that he found someone who is willing to even try and will get there eventually.

3. “I know you’re excited, honey, and it excites me to see you so excited. But dial it back a bit, okay? Next time I feel like I can give it a try, I will definitely let you know. But all of this pressure is making me feel constipated. And you don’t want that, right?”

I’m an eighteen-year-old male. After three years of silence, my ex-girlfriend texted me out of the blue. She was my first love, and part of my heart still aches for her. I feel like the smart thing to do is to stop talking to her right now, but my heart says if I keep at it, I might be able to win her back. Most of her messages sound flirtatious, but it could just be me being optimistic. She even said, “I don’t think of you as more than a friend. But I would be open to a relationship if I started having feelings for you again.” Is this a lost cause? Or do I need to give it more time and see how it develops?

— Love And Memories Enflamed

Forgive me, LAME, for what I’m about to type.

You’re being used. Your ex-girlfriend sent that out-of-the-blue text because she wanted to feel wanted. Maybe she got dumped recently, or maybe she’s in the midst of a dry spell, or maybe she’s just selfish and cruel. But all she’s after here — most likely — are the ego boosts your texts provide. And to keep those boosts coming, LAME, she’s dangling a little false hope in front of you: she told you the truth so she wouldn’t have to admit to herself that she’s a manipulative liar (she only thinks of you as a friend) and then tacked on some meaningless, impossible-to-disprove crap (a relationship might be possible if she starts to have feelings for you again) to keep you textin’.

You dated her three years ago… when you were fifteen. You’re not in love with her, LAME, you’re in love with the way she made you feel. There are other girls out there who can make you feel that way. Go find one.

I’m a thirty-five-year-old GGG married male with a thirty-three-year-old not-so-GGG wife. We’ve been together seventeen years and married four months. She was a virgin when we met and she’s never been too sexual a person. I am a very sexual person, but she kept me satisfied with oral, dress-up, sex in different places — things like that. Things really started to fall off sexually around our tenth year together. When I mentioned it, she said that she felt I was never going to marry her, so why should she give me 100 percent? I enjoy oral and watching women masturbate, and she wouldn’t do either and blamed it on the marriage thing. Five years later, I gave her the big wedding she wanted. I actually enjoy being married. Now, here’s my dilemma: she won’t do anything besides traditional sex — and only when she’s awake enough to actually have sex, and I always have to initiate. When I mention things like oral or toys or masturbation, she says she feels uncomfortable doing things like that. If she would have told me this before, my decision to get married might have been different. I don’t want her to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable or degraded. But in my opinion, what I’m asking for is not “kinky,” certainly when compared to some of the things I could be into.

We’ve had this discussion consistently throughout our short marriage, with no sign of her even trying. Am I doomed to a bad marriage, or is there something I can do? Because talking isn’t working. I feel she lied to me to get me to marry her, and now I don’t know what to do. Any advice is appreciated.

— Lots Of Sexual Tension

All your options are bad, LOST.

Stay married, stay faithful, and stew in your own frustration and resentment until you die; stay married, cheat with cause, and hope you don’t get caught; inform your spouse that you’re not going to ask her to do things she’s not comfortable with but you’re also not going to ask for her permission to do those things with other women, and be cast as the villain when she files for divorce; or initiate the divorce yourself, find a new partner, and make sure your new partner both enjoys sex and enjoys the kinds of sex you do before you marry her. (Hint: if she likes sex, and likes the stuff you like, she’ll want to do that stuff whether you’re married to her or not.)

Sorry, LOST, but that’s all I got.

HEY, EVERYBODY: you know how Mormons “baptize” dead people who weren’t Mormons — including Holocaust victims — because Mormons believe they have a right to choose Mormonism for the deceased? And you know how the Mormon Church says that being gay is a choice? The same church that doesn’t think you should have a choice about being posthumously baptized? Well, now you can choose homosexuality for dead Mormons! Just go to www.AllDeadMormonsAreNowGay.com, enter the name of a deceased Mormon or ask the site to find a dead Mormon for you, and — presto! — that dead Mormon gets to have a gay afterlife!

HEY, CANADIAN READERS: I’m following @vikileaks30 on Twitter — and you should, too. Really entertaining stuff!

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

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