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December 8, 2010
Savage Love
Almost certainly Dan's grossest column of all time.
By Dan Savage
I am a woman in a relatively new relationship. Prior to this guy, I had a deep disgust for anything anal-related. After some dedicated work and analingus on his part, he's helped me overcome my fears of the "grossness" of the area and made me an enthusiastic convert — as a recipient.
He has expressed an interest in me reciprocating in butt play and rimming. I know it's a sensitive area for him and would bring him a lot of pleasure — but no matter how much he cleans the area, I'm having trouble getting over two issues.
1. I'm submissive and prefer my partners to be dominant. Butt play on him would ruin his "dominant" role for me. However, that problem is minor compared to...
2. He is overweight and hairy, and no amount of cleaning dispels the musk from that area for more than five minutes. When I'm going down on him, I deal, as it isn't too bad and some amount of genital smell is to be expected. But moving further into his butt area — which is pretty darn huge, hairy, and flabby — would require burying my face in the smelliest and least attractive area of his body.
I feel horrible about this. Removing the hair would not be enough to give his butt a shape and remove the extra mass that's trapping and producing the odors. I feel it's too horrible to tell him, "I would probably do it if you dropped fifty pounds." It's also not fair, as he's an enthusiastic anal giver (though if not giving means never receiving, I'm willing to go without).
How do I get over this, Dan? Aside from this issue, our sex life is fantastic. I truly am attracted to him, just not his butt. I want to be GGG, but this is really pushing my limits.
Can't Go There
I don't know how you get over it, CGT — hell, I don't think I'll ever get over just reading your letter.
I recognize, of course, that anal pleasure, however it's administered, isn't just for butts on the men's Australian Olympic diving team. Butts come in all different sizes, shapes, and flavors, and not every butt looks as good in a Speedo or — presumably — tastes as good out of a Speedo as, say, Matthew Mitcham's butt does. And, hey, reciprocity makes the orgasms go round. But there are times when there's just no getting over something and a face-saving white lie is in order.
Tell him that, as much as you appreciate his efforts to open you up — figuratively and literally — to being on the receiving end of butt play, you don't think you'll ever get over your hang-up about being on the giving end. He doesn't need to know that you might feel differently if Matthew Mitcham had asked you to eat his tiny, tight, and thoroughly chlorinated little butt, CGT, so feel free to leave that bit out. End by telling that him you'll understand if he no longer wishes to indulge you in the butt play that, thanks to his efforts, you've come to enjoy so much.
I'm a straight twenty-two-year-old male. I have a skin-picking fetish. I get off on picking scabs and patches of dry skin. I also have seborrhoeic dermatitis, a condition that causes flaky, white patches of dry skin to grow on my scalp. I pick all the scales off my scalp daily. I masturbate afterward and have had some of the best orgasms of my life this way.
My problem: every girlfriend I've ever opened up to about this has been grossed out. None of my girlfriends have been willing to indulge my fetish, even after I've been willing to indulge their kinks. They tell me it is unclean or dangerous. Even paid escorts have refused to pick my scalp for me. A woman picking my scalp while I jerk off is my biggest fantasy.
Surely there must be a scab-picking girl out there for me. How do I find her?
Scab Kinkest In Need
It's going to be that kind of column — the kind you don't write over lunch. (My apologies to anyone who's reading this over lunch.)
Your fetish — which, according to the interwebs, goes by the name "phaneromania" — is a blessedly uncommon fetish, SKIN, as well as a pretty high bar to clear. Picking the scabs off someone's scalp while he beats off isn't something that even the most open-minded, sexually adventurous partner would regard as a GGG-related responsibility.
Don't lose hope, SKIN. While there are always more men into a given fetish than there are women, fetishes that involve medical and/or physical maladies tend to tap women at slightly higher rates than other fetishes. It's the caregiver/nurturer thing taken to a sixy extreme (sick + sexy = sixy).
Keep putting yourself out there, keep being open with the women you date about your ultimate turn-on, and you may hit the sixy jackoffpot. Your only other hope is enough: you'll have to meet a woman who loves you enough to do this for you or you'll have to pay a woman enough to do this for you.
I'm a thirty-four-year-old openly gay white-collar professional man in an open relationship with my amazing boyfriend of nine years. I've been getting fucked on the side for the past two years by a thirty-year-old closeted bisexual total-top white blue-collar steelworker. Although we have very different backgrounds, we both have a great time when his eight-inch cock is in me. He texts me when he's horny, I show up, I blow him, he pounds my brains out and ejaculates, and I leave (all safely, of course). Maybe a little chitchat after. He seems like a nice guy, and it's a NSA attachment that works well.
The issue: I'm afraid he may be a white supremacist. While he has never said anything to me, he has numerous tattoos, including the infamous "88" tattoo (which usually refers to "Heil Hitler," with H being the eighth letter of the alphabet). Additionally, I've seen some paramilitary-type stuff around his place. He's never said anything bigoted about minorities, and we've never discussed it. He obviously has no problem with gay guys — he knows I'm open and out — and I don't think he's planning for RAHOWA, but I'm wondering about the tattoos and am afraid to ask.
Do I have to give up his eight-inch blue-collar cock and our no-strings slam sessions because he may hold ideas I find offensive?
Worried Over Racist Dick
Color me intolerant, but I don't think a member of one oppressed minority group — that would be you, WORD — should be bouncing on the dick of someone who endorses hatred directed at members of other minority groups.
Which means you will have to give up those hot slam sessions — but only if this dude is a racist and/or anti-Semitic piece of shit.
Doesn't that 88 tattoo prove that he's a POS? Not necessarily. It only proves that he was a POS at the time he got the tattoo. Hatred can fade and people can become more tolerant, but tattoos are forever. He may be ashamed of that tattoo and planning to get it inked over — but you won't know until you ask.
And you should ask, WORD, and if turns out he's still a racist and/or anti-Semitic POS, you shouldn't see him anymore.
HEY, EVERYBODY: Do me a favor. Go to tinyurl.com/24rjpv7. Find "Colleen K." Click "View profile." Click "Like this." Thank you.
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Anal Sex
Commentarium (28 Comments)
Jesus, what a colourful collection of problems this is. If I were CGT I wouldn't toss his salad either, and I likely wouldn't be honest when asked why not either. The most important part of this is to try really, really hard never to bring up the 'why' during a passionate fight.
If I were SKIN I would keep this one private, and maybe, just maybe pick at myself while doing girls from behind.
If I were WORD I probably would have asked on the first day, but most certainly ask at some point what the 88 stands for. Am I just naive or could it be a totally innocuous number, because I've never heard of this before?
i don't think the scab-picking is that gross. and i also know others who would be wiling to indulge. such girls are out there. maybe try a craigslist ad?
SKIN should try FetLife; it's a personal ad site of sorts for people with, well, fetishes. Surprised Dan didn't mention it.
the 88 thing is pretty well-known. there are actually a number of kind of esoteric Nazi symbols that are commonly tattooed on people, because all of the well-known ones are obviously not socially acceptable. it's to the point where if you want a tat of something associated with Nazi symbology, but don't exactly look the part, a tattooist may advise you against it, or may refuse to do it entirely. I know BME won't show any white supremacist tats, and they've had a few problems where they show a tat and aren't even aware that the imagery involved is white supremacist.
definitely should ask the guy though. there is the slim, slim chance that his mom died in 1988 or something.
i think "88" is also a lucky number in chinese and maybe some other asian cultures.
Just a question: how does fucking someone who has fucked up views implicate a new strings attached partner in any way?
Is there some rule that failure to completely ostracize someone who has repugnant views is itself a moral failing?
The number 8 is lucky in Chinese culture... 88 may mean very lucky (in Cantonese ''ho'' means both ''good'' and ''very'' i.e., in context, ''ho ho'' means very good. It may work similarly with lucky numbers.
Also, maybe the guy plays the piano, which has 88 keys.
Or maybe he graduated from some school or training program or something in 1988.
In short, absent any other evidence this guy is a creep, the 88 isn't evidence of anything.
1) Receiving anal (or vaginal, for that matter) penetration is not necessarily a submissive act. (Dominant straight guy who enjoys the occasional pegging, here.)
The submissive Ms. Can't Go There need only explain to the dominant man (to whom she's truly attracted and with whom she has a fantastic sex life) that that she needs him to demand the tribute of her fingers and tongue be given unto his ass for her to see the acts in a perspective consistent with her stated kink.
2) Rather than safewording out of the smell, she can make a ritual of preparing the area by both cleansing
and applying an appropriately flavored substance - which can be replenished, say, about every five minutes.
3) As a long-term (if she thinks she's in it for the long term) measure, she should tell him the truth. Explain to him that she's complying with his demand for such tribute to his ass out of affection for the rest of him, but that affection would be best served by his getting his weight under control both for his own health and to make the tribute he demands more pleasant for her to give. Once she's actually doing it, he's unlikely to consider it ''horrible'' to hear of the conditions for her continuing.
And, Dan, you're welcome (as I presume you'll thank me for giving your other reader a more useful answer than your own.)
SKIN, my friend said she'd be in heaven with you. She's a picker. Picks scabs, peeling skins, etc.
CGT, they made me a little queesy.
WORD, how about you try being faithful to your "amazing" boyfriend and don't worry about the side piece.
Maybe its because I'm a straight blue collar male myself, but all of the so called racist indicators point to something much more probable. NASCAR fan. Looking at all of them individually its a far leap to assume this guy is a racist. The number 88 is more likey a proclamation of his love for Dale Earnhardt Jr. And even if its not, at least you can feel better about screwing a Nazi, rationalizing him as a nascar fan
Despite the warning tag line, I read this while eating my breakfast. Yogurt. Gross!
Adivse for the nice woman with the fat dude anal problems.... Use some flavored lube to kill the oder and show on that nice poop slot all night long... works like a charm. I suggest ID lubes Strawberry Kiwi for extra smelly raunchy buttholes.
If dude is 30 in 2010, he would have graduated high school, turned 18, entered the military, etc., etc., all in 1988. It could have just been a significant year for him.
@JA if dude is 30 in 2010 he would've graduated in 1998 or 1999 not 1988. He would've been 9 in 1988.
*GIS "Matthew Mitcham"*... thank you Dan!
I guess I'm probably alone here when I say that I think the photo is really hot... But then I like big guys.
You can fuck someone, especially a NSA fuckbuddy, without endorsing their views. I fuck Democrats and Republicans all the time, even though they both disgust me politically.
No advice for any of these three unfortunates, but funniest set of comments in ages!
Wow, what a collection of stories/advice. Even more amusing: voting for 'Colleen K' randomly (end of article comment)- a cat food page? lol. Well, I loved the article so - why not. Cute cats btw.
Colleen is savaging the competition!
to CGT: what if you a) use your lubed up fingers or b) try it in the shower or c) tell him you have some weird kink where it's ok to rim him, but only if he helps it spread with his hands and you wipe him with baby towels first. also letter 2 strikes me as fake.
TIDY CATS???? you are abusing your power and influence, dan savage.
No no no no no! Why did I read this. Well, I guess here's my thoughts...
CGT: Tell the fatty to lose some weight, it will be good for his health and (ass)sex life. Also he won't contribute to our healthcare crisis when his body shuts down like all fat people, and then my damn tax dollars have to go to their doctor fees.
SKIN: I don't want to be rude, but that is def not a fetish many people would be into or even willing to try. I want to vomit just thinking about it. Good luck though.
WORD: He's a dude fucking a DUDE. Doubt he really believes in any of that white supremacist shit anyway. More likely he's a NASCAR fan as stated above. If not, take pride in the fact that even a racist pig can't get enough of your cock..,you're just using him for sex anyway.
Mr. Savage: Where do you find these people?
WORD: I say ride that 8-inch cock till your last dying day. If/when it's confirmed (without you asking) that he currently is a white supremist then you stop. Until then, get fucked long, hard and good!
Skin, I share a similiar fetish. I literally pull hair from my head while masturbating. And fantasize about rubbing the pulled hair all over my vagina! Ahhh pure ecstasy.
Months later. In response to SKIN, you'd be surprised--I'm a girl who loves nothing more than to groom such things from my partner, during sex or outside of it. I can spend hours picking, peeling, popping, and just generally revelling in these things if my partner will let me. Have hope!
Ewww
GldPD0 Hi! Everyone who reads this blog - Happy Reconciliation and Accord..!!