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I'm a twenty-five-year-old straight female. I've been dating my boyfriend for only a few months, but we fell in love fast. He is a caring person, and I want to make this last. However, he doesn't turn me on. It has nothing to do with looks — he's GORGEOUS — but rather with the fact that I am submissive and like things rough (rape fantasies, being tied up, etc.). He is GGG and tries, but he is just too timid. The last guy I dated used to toss me around like a rag doll, and I miss being dominated.

I talked to my wonderful GGG boyfriend, and he agreed right away to have a threesome with my previous guy. I haven't talked to the previous guy yet, but I'm sure he'd be into it. This threesome would allow my ex to do something really kinky, which I know he would love, and I would get the abuse I need and my boyfriend would get a "lesson" in the art of sub/dom sex. But…

1. Am I being a selfish bitch?

2. Is it a bad sign that he's not satisfying me sexually at three months?

3. Thank you! — Needs Some Abuse

1. You have needs, NSA, and you're articulating them clearly and thoughtfully; you're being considerate and deliberate. And, yeah, you're also being a selfish bitch.

Good for you.

You have a right to be a little selfish — we all have a right to be a little selfish — when it comes to sex. You have needs and you want them met and you want your gorgeous boyfriend to meet them. Why? Because you're a selfish bitch, no question, but that's not the only reason. You also want him to meet your needs — ably, skillfully — because you want to stay with him, NSA. Showing him how to meet your needs — even if that requires bringing in the kinky ex for a tutorial — is one way to make that happen. The current boyfriend agreed to the threesome idea quickly because he can see that. Take yes for an answer, NSA!

2. Some couples click right away, and some couples take some time to find their groove. My boyfriend doesn't allow me to write about our sex life in any detail — privacy is his kink — but he will allow me to say this: the sex we're having at fifteen years is a lot better than the sex we were having at fifteen weeks. So don't despair that your boyfriend isn't totally satisfying you at three months. We got there (within a year), NSA, and you can too (with some effort).

3. No, NSA, thank you. It's not often that a letter from a straight reader forces me to go lie down in a dark room for half the day with a warm washcloth over my eyes. The threesome you describe is beyond hot; you'd be a fool not to go for it, and I'd be drummed out of the Brotherhood of Amalgamated Male Sex Advice Columnists Who Are Men (Local 609) if I didn't urge you to go for it. This threesome will help your current boyfriend up his game, thereby saving this relationship, or it will provide you with memories that you'll cherish for the rest of your life. (And by "cherish for the rest of your life," I mean "masturbate about for decades to come.") Either way, you win. Go for it, NSA, and please send a full report after it's all over.

I'm dating a woman who happens to be another chap's wife. He knows. In fact, he sometimes joins in. The problem is that he had cancer some years back. It's in remission, but his immune system was hit hard. How his body would deal with various sexually transmitted infections is in question. Would a "treatable" strain of syphilis mess him up?

I love my lady friend — but since I'm dating around, we've started looking up info on the internet about "safe sex" and have found a lot of contradictory info. You can get hepatitis B from kissing? HPV can sneak around condoms? Gonorrhea is starting to become antibiotic resistant? All this is making her feel like I might unintentionally expose her other beloved to something nasty.

My question: Does "100-percent-safe sex" even exist? Is there any way to protect my lover's husband? — Daunted By Threesome Reality

There's no such thing as "100-percent-safe sex," just as there's no such thing as "100-percent-safe chicken salad," DBTR. (Sorry — just saw Food, Inc.) There is only safer sex: use condoms when appropriate, have more sex with fewer partners, get regular STI screenings. That said, DBTR, hepatitis B is almost never transmitted by kissing, and there's a 100 percent effective vaccine for it. And while HPV can sneak around condoms, there's a highly effective HPV vaccine, too. And there are effective treatment options for those drug-resistant strains of gonorrhea you're reading up on. As for your lady's man's immune system...

"If his cancer has been in remission for years, his immune system would be considered completely healthy," says Dr. Barak Gaster, my medical consultant at the University of Washington. "Even when an immune system is decimated by heavy chemo, it's amazingly able to reconstitute itself."

But the only way to ensure that you're not introducing an STI into your triad — one that you're not already carrying — is to commit, for the time being, to having sex with only these two people.

A new euphemism: when someone cheats on a spouse, that should be known as "hiking the Appalachian Trail" in honor of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford.

But I have to say that this Adultery Confessional Theater is getting tired. Can our culture start to deflate the drama on extramarital affairs a little? Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, Jon and Kate, John Ensign, Mark Sanford: yes, it sucks if kids are involved and it often leads to divorce. But I wonder if setting the panic bar a bit lower wouldn't save more marriages. Maybe we should embrace the fact that few of us will remain monogamous over the long life of a marriage and remove sex from the pressured center of domestic life. — Anne In NJ

My reaction when the Sanford scandal broke could be summed up in six words: Dying* is easy; monogamy is hard.

I'm with you, AINJ, and I have hammered away at those points for years: at the bottom of all these sex scandals — Sanford, Ensign, Spitzer, et al. — is our unnatural fixation on monogamy. Human beings — male or female — aren't wired to be sexually monogamous, and the feigned shock with which we're required to greet each new revelation of infidelity on the part of an elected official, a reality-show star, or a sports figure would be comical if the costs weren't so great. Elevating monogamy over all else — insisting that it, and it alone, is the sole measure of love and devotion — destroys countless marriages, families, and careers.

Which is not to say that people shouldn't honor their commitments or that there aren't folks out there capable of remaining monogamous over the five-decade course of a marriage or that the hypocrisy of assholes like Sanford — who called on President Clinton to resign during Monicagate — isn't worthy of censure. But think of all the people who've cheated and gotten caught. Now think about all the people who've cheated and gotten away with it. Our idealized notions about sex — within marriage and without — are at war with who and what we are. Sex is powerful; relationships are fragile. Why on earth do we insist on pitting them against each other?

* Physically, politically.

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Commentarium (15 Comments)

Jul 01 09 - 12:03pm
flip wilson

i could never do a threesome. it doesn't sound hot to me, it sounds complicated. and it sounds like it will lead to future comparisions/problems. but to each his/her own.

Jul 01 09 - 10:14pm

Hey, not cool what you did there with the headline. I need advice on getting my guy to be rougher in bed without scaring him off...and a threesome with the guys who have been rough with me before--not an option. I've tried the dirty talking and encouraging, but sometimes I just want the rough and crazy shit to come from the heart. Sigh.

Jul 02 09 - 10:15am
Jeez Dan

Jeez Dan, great advice. /sarcasm. This is why gay dudes shouldn't be giving heteros sex advice. I'm sure the new bf of THREE MONTHS will love watching his current gf get banged by her EX. No, no, he won't feel inferior and no, of course this isn't TOTALLY inappropriate, setting off a chain reaction of maddening jealousy. Maybe orgies with various exes are cool in the gay community, Dan, but among us straight males, we rarely TRULY want to watch our current gf's fuck (and be BETTER satisfied by) their fucking exes.

Jul 02 09 - 3:09pm

I agree completely w/ JeezDan. I'm straight, and my gay brother and I are always amazed at the HUGE differences in sexual etiquette and norms between our "two communities" (we both live in NYC). Dating norms, very similar. Sex norms, totally different, and this is a perfect example.

In case Needs Some Abuse is reading, here's an alternative: find some porn that shows what you're into, watch it together (many, many times--you'll need lots of porn), and watch him change over time!

Jul 02 09 - 4:15pm

Did the last two people leaving comments miss the fact the that current bf AGREED to a threesome? What did you expect Dan to say?
I'm all for alternatives, but if the guy is willing to do it, let him.

Jul 02 09 - 6:45pm

If he's willing it's all good, but I agree that advice makes waaay more sense to a gay man than a straight guy.

Jul 03 09 - 4:00am

We know almost nothing about the boyfriend in NSA's letter. For all we know, he may have a cuckold fetish. Perhaps watching his girlfriend getting fucked like hell by her ex will give him the biggest hardon of his life. We don't know!

That being said, I agree that Dan's advice is more typical for gay men than straight.

Jul 03 09 - 6:57pm

As a married hetero guy, I love seeing my woman satisfied--to the max. I don't care if I do it or someone else helps. I just want a happy wife / girl friend. I'm always open to learning, opening up some new territory. Dan-your advice is brilliant, as usual.

Jul 06 09 - 8:46am

Sure. Have that burning hot threesome. After your current bf loses that last shred of respect for you, you'll have all the rough sex you desire. Maybe he'll take you to a gangbang one day- that'll be the day

Jul 06 09 - 2:50pm

That's nice, App. Way to reinforce the old tired trope that "nice" girls don't do kinky shit, and that "bad" girls aren't worth respecting. I'm sure that's working out really well for your hot steamy sex life, wherein you poke your peter through a little hole in the crisp white bridal linens. For fuck's sake.

Jul 08 09 - 4:07pm

My girl enjoys plenty of foreplay including playful ass slaps. After fooling around in the bathroom after showering and seeing ourselves in the mirror, she pulls on me besides rubbing against me as she asks me which one of her girlfriends really turn me on. If I pick one she doesn't like too much she pushes me against the door just before I pick her up and push her backwards to the bed for a very hot session surrounded by mirrors. I pull her cheeks apart so that imaginary guys at a nudist resort can see her nice firm ass cheeks up in the air....

Mar 06 10 - 10:32pm

I'd have to agree with the first few commenters. I'm guessing that her relationship ended within a few months of that threesome...

Mar 20 10 - 2:31am

My girlfriend and I talked about her ex's huge dick - she loved the sex with me, but I don't have that kind of equipment - and I offered to bring in my friend J, who has the junk. We had a great threesome, a lot of fun, and I loved watching her get the nonsense fucked out of her by his huge dick. It was a great night. We broke up two years later for completely different reasons (she couldn't /wouldn't get away from her crazy mom's desire to control her/our lives) - the threesome was never an issue.

Aug 14 10 - 5:56pm

Well it would probably be easier in the long run too bring in a third party that's not an ex just seems like an odd can of worms to open up.

Oct 14 10 - 11:44pm
Mel G.

Start dating pedophiles and colored guys You Won't Have To Ask.