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August 24, 2010
I lost my virginity last night.
I'm a straight male in my early thirties, so it was about time. It wasn't awkward, and we had a good time. However, I didn't climax during sex, which is a result of years of death-grip masturbation. (Thanks for the warning, Dan — I'm sorry I didn't heed it.) She took it personally but seemed satisfied when I said it was only nerves.
I am left this morning with more confusion and trepidation about my relationship with my new girlfriend than I had going in. I suppose this is normal, but I don't see last night as some victory or a “bonding moment,” and I am afraid that is a bad sign. I also find myself being extra critical of my partner's performance, which, as a virgin, I am not in a good position to judge. She has never been a particularly good kisser and her blowjob technique was less than spectacular. Although it was a pleasant experience, I feel like it lacked passion or a spark, which is probably just normal for a first time, but I am concerned.
I feel like an asshole for even having these thoughts. Is there something wrong with me and/or am I an asshole?
— One Potential Asshole
P.S. I have attached some photos in hopes that you will respond.
There could be something wrong with you, OPA, and you could be an asshole. I can't rule either possibility out after quickly reading one e-mail and thoroughly examining three nude photographs.
It's possible that your girlfriend is a bad kisser/blower. Just because you're a virgin — or were a virgin — doesn't mean you're going to automatically click with the first woman who volunteered to put your dick in her mouth. It's possible that, however much you like this girl, you're just not sexually and/or chemically compatible. But sex is a skill that takes time and practice to acquire. It may take a little time and some experimentation for you to discover what works for you.
And if you give her some time, you may find that she works for you.
If she didn't know you were a virgin, OPA, tell her. And tell her that it wasn't nerves that prevented you from getting off, but the unfamiliarity of the sensations you were experiencing and, perhaps, a masturbatory style that desensitized your dick. Tell her it might take you a little while to get there, but with her help and patience — and mouth and pussy — you're sure you can get there. And then try to relax, experiment, and enjoy.
And no more death grip — period. When you masturbate, use your nondominant hand, a lighter grip, and perhaps a Fleshlight.
I'm herpes-free, but I found out today that my roommate has contracted it. He has a sore but won't see a doctor about it because he says he's embarrassed. We share the same bathroom, so I knew I would have to be diligent about that. But now I am freaking out: Not long after he shared this information, my seven-month-old puppy ran into his room and proceeded to cover my roommate's face in kisses. I've called the vet and my medical provider, and while they both agree that my pup cannot contract the STD, they cannot rule out the pup passing the infection on to me. Please advise. I would like to know how best to handle this situation. — Scared To Death
Wouldn't it be great if being paranoid about contracting herpes was the only way to contract herpes?
Look, STD, lots of people self-diagnose themselves with herpes when all they have is an innocuous little cut or sore near their mouth or genitals. People who are too embarrassed/ridiculous to go see their doctors are highly likely to arrive at a herpes misdiagnosis. So calm the fuck down.
Even if your roommate does have herpes, STD, you're not going to get it from sharing a toilet — unless you and the roommate have invented a novel new way of taking a dump. And you're not going to get it from your damn dog. For his own sake, your roommate shouldn't allow your dog to lick his open sores (who does he think he is? Job?), herpes-related or not, and if you're really freaking out about your promiscuously affectionate new dog, well, you can make up your mind to refrain from kissing any animal that drinks out of toilets, licks its own ass, and laps up vomit.
I have a new girlfriend. She likes me to eat her cream pie after we have sex. She does get off again and squirts most of the time when I do it. No one has ever asked me to do this before her. Is she crazy? Or am I for doing it?— Not A Cream Pie Lover Yet
Why does someone have to be crazy? A cream pie isn't my preferred post-orgasm snack — I much prefer a Creamsicle — but if it turns your girlfriend on and gets her off, and if doing this for her doesn't leave you curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, then you're not crazy and neither is she. She's kinky, you're GGG, and you're both enjoying some kick-ass, boundary-pushing sex. Enjoy.
I'm a twenty-eight-year-old straight guy. I'm also five feet six and 124 pounds. I know, I know — I'm hardly microscopic. But I always feel like I'm a lost kid when I'm at a bar or club, with people my age or younger towering over me. So that, right away, is a confidence killer when trying to meet women. But here's the real kicker: I like tall women. In fact, I prefer somewhat butch women — Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry, Geena Davis in A League of Their Own — and this leads to the ancillary problem that many of the women I'm attracted to are lesbians and thus are not interested in me. But even the tall, butchy straight/bi girls tend to go for guys who are taller than them. Most women I talk to about why they fall for tall guys have a common theme: they are looking for someone who makes them feel secure.
That's what I want! Is it so damn wrong to want a woman to be protective of me? I want to be held by a strong pair of lady arms! No, I'm not into super-muscle women, nor am I into hardcore dom/sub stuff. Why is my vanilla kink such an obstacle? What am I to do? — Below Their League
Most women prefer taller men — not tall men, just men who are taller than they are. It's a sad, unavoidable fact, BTL, one you'll have to accept (just as I had to accept that most men prefer women), and you'll have to search longer and harder for the lady/lady arms of your dreams. Not much else you can do about it.
I've got some space to kill, so here are a few Savage Love programming notes: My recently announced celebrity crush — Stefon on SNL as portrayed by Bill Hader — is no longer operative. My new celebrity crush is Branden Hayward, the actor who plays the cute-but-dim young husband in those Rhapsody commercials. Sigh.
Ever wanted to be a porn star for a weekend but not for the rest of your life? Ever wanted to win large cash prizes? Go to thestranger.com/hump to learn more about HUMP!, my annual amateur porn festival that's now in its sixth year. Hardcore, softcore, erotica, animation, robots, zombies, virgins, cream pies, lady arms — everyone and everything is welcome at HUMP! The deadline for entry is October 15. Go to the website for contest details, release forms, and dates.
And finally: Khia's new album? My goodness.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Commentarium (25 Comments)
That advice for BTL was weak, Dan. If I wanted to be told to suck it up, I'd go to Dr. Phil. Is that the kind of advice you want to be offering, Dan? Dr. Phil level advice? You really have no better ideas?
Since when did going down on a girl after sex become "boundary pushing?" Isn't that pretty much what you do if the girl didn't come during intercourse?
is there a way to submit films for HUMP! from outside the country? uploading them and sending a link, or anything of the sort? im in Argentina and I want in!
@Bart: you're awesome. Just wanted to say that.
@Jacquie
Thanks!
I'm running a poll on this subject here: http://bart-calendar.livejournal.com/1874340.html
I'm a 5'6 (5'9 in heels) woman, and I fell head-over-heels some years ago for a guy who was only 5'4. He knew he was a little guy, but he had a personality, a smile, and a presence that could light up a room.
I don't see anything wrong with that advice. It was basically a complaint letter he was answering. Persistence is the key in dating and this guy is just going to need a bit more.
BTL- hit the gym, beef up. The more iron you pump the more your confidence builds and there is honestly something really sexy about the short, stocky bodybuilder types that just isnt there in the skinny runt types... develop a good attitude, it'll overcome the height issues. BTW, I'm 5'4 and rarely date anybody under 6'3.. but the one short bodybuilder.. wow!!
Don't despair, shorty. My wife is about 5'8", and prefers shorter men. I had to convince her that I wasn't too tall for her to date, and I'm maaaayyyybbbbeeeee half an inch taller than her. Last two LTRs were 5'5", and 5'4".
I'm 5'9" and it's easy for a shorter guy to make me feel like "the manly one" simply based on height, and the fact that shorter guys have this way of slouching a little or seeming insecure about being shorter. This past summer I spent a good deal of time with a guy who was about 5'4", but who was confident and sweet, and visibly proud to be seen with me. In bed, he could dominate or be dominated, and no one but us knew who was snuggling in whose arms.
His personality definitely won me over, and I have no doubts that if we had been looking for a relationship, we would've worked out really well together.
@BTL: I'm a manish woman long-term dating a shorter guy. I love shorter guys because as long as they don't have a complex or huge chips on their shoulders, they have refreshing outlooks on life and masculinity. My androgyny also makes me getting to be the topper in hugs very appealing to me.
Anyway, these taller women who are independent and strong are going to stand out in crowds. They'll be confident and friendly and will respond if you bring your best assets to the table.
Good luck!
I thought Dan was right about BTL. It's easy to fall into the trap of giving up or blaming the entirety of ones preferred gender because a few didn't understand whats special about you.
I'm a 5 ft nothing, ghost pale, flat-chested geek. If I had let the boys on the high school football team determine whether or not I was attractive, I'd be a sad girl now - but I found out that a fair percentage of men like us anti-barbies just like a fair percentage of women aren't looking for a "protector". There is a lid for every pot and with a little luck and persistence I know BTL will find an amazon of his own!
I feel awed and blessed knowing that "there's a cover for every pot" wasn't something my mother invented as an expression just for me.
What the heck does cream pie mean?
...and what does GGG mean?
GGG=Good, giving, game (I think). It's a Savage Love acronym. Basically, it's putting up with your partner's kinks that you don't necessarily enjoy. (They're supposed to return the favor.)
I totally agree with Sis on BTL--most women don't mind short guys if they're built. The problem lies with guys who weigh less or the same as normal-weight women. I mean, come on! No woman wants to feel like a whale in bed.
Considering how old he is, OPA should have heard often enough that The First Time is usually underwhelming. But maybe he thought his FT would be different. Congrats to him anyway.
Yeah, V33. That was my thought. Losing your virginity wasn't some magical movie experience. Welcome to the club. Sex gets better with experience.
This is much easier to read than last week. Thanks for putting the letters in their own boxes. Kudos.
Wait, is anyone else a little baffled by STD's letter? Does his roommate have oral herpes or genital herpes? I had assumed genital, since no one seems to be too skeeved by cold sores, but where do the doggy kisses come in? Unless the dog is licking someone's genitals in this place, I can't even figure out what this guy is worried about...
If it's ok for a woman to not want to swallow cum or have a guy cum in her mouth, then it should be ok for a guy to not want to go down on a cum-drenched pussy.
BTL could take heart from this quote from Ava Gardner about her then husband, Frank Sinatra: "He only weighs 120, but 100 pounds is cock.” On the other hand, BTL may look down his shorts and weep.
I'm 5'10, 118lbs, with short hair [growing out a buzzed haircut]. My long time boyfriend is 5'6, 140lbs, with a longer Johnny Depp shoulder length do. Our height difference never bothered us and I can't imagine a mature adult letting a few inches in height get in the way of connecting with a person. My own mother told me "everyone's the same height lying down."
Now you say something