Not a member? Sign up now
December 22, 2010
Savage Love
I read my mom's email, and I think she's having an affair. What should I do?
By Dan Savage
I'm writing to you under the influence of a little alcohol (as I'm not sure I'd have the courage to write to you about this sober). I've got an awkward (understatement) situation.
My mother left her e-mail logged in on my computer, and I decided to be an asshole and snoop out of boredom. I honestly wasn't expecting anything, but I found a few intimate e-mails between her and a strange man that pretty much confirmed that she was cheating on my dad.
My parents have been married for almost three decades, and it's kind of an understatement to say he's an antisocial psycho. He restricted her from so many things during their marriage — partly for religious/cultural reasons — and honestly did not appreciate what he had. He's been a physical wreck for most of their marriage and has no personality to compensate. (I could go on about how abusive and fucked-up his personality was during my childhood, but that's a whole other issue.) My mother, on the other hand, is one of the nicest and most caring people you could ever meet. She's also "hot" — a lot of my friends (male and female) have pointed that out to me, as awkward as that is.
Okay: Dad's an abusive asshole and borderline psycho, and Mom's a beautiful woman with a lot of opportunities and social skills. The only reason she didn't leave him was to keep the family together and for those same stupid cultural reasons. But it's hard knowing my mom is a CPOS. It's killing my older brother, who is close to her, and it's making him really depressed. He feels betrayed, because for years he's defended her against my father when he accuses her of cheating and calls her a whore. So what I want advice on is how the hell to confront her about it. I know I snooped in her e-mail, and I know that was wrong. So what the hell to say?
— Mother Obliterated Monogamy
Here's what you say to your mother: "Good for you, Mom."
But you're going to say it under your breath, MOM, audible but not quite loud enough for your mother to hear.
Because you're not going to confront her about this affair or any other affair that you might uncover between now and your father's death and you're not going to tell your mom you snooped and you and your brother are going to go right on defending your mother to your father and you're going to show a little respect — a little retroactive respect — for your mother's privacy by pretending that you don't know what you do know.
Is that clear?
Your mom sounds like a lovely woman, MOM, and you and your brother should be happy that she managed to find a little solace, a little love and tenderness, in the arms of a man who isn't an raving asshole. She deserves that, doesn't she? As for the CPOS label, that gets slapped only on people who cheat without cause, MOM, and it sure sounds like your mom had cause. Which means she's not a cheating piece of shit. She's cheating on a piece of shit.
Yes, yes: maybe your mom should've divorced your father, or had him murdered, but for reasons that will only ever be known to her, MOM, she decided that keeping her family intact — maybe for cultural reasons, maybe for her boys — was more important than remaining faithful to an antisocial psycho. It's easy to say that cheating is always wrong and to call everyone who cheats a POS, but sometimes an affair is the least worst option.
As for your brother's feelings of betrayal: maybe your dad was right and your mom was cheating on him throughout their marriage and his tirades were justified and your brother was a fool to defend your mother. Or maybe your mom decided, after being accused of cheating again and again, and after being called a whore again and again, that if she was going to be accused, indicted, and tried for that particular crime, she might as well have the pleasure of committing it. Encourage your brother to give your mother the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like she deserves it.
I'm a twenty-eight-year-old gay man. My only sibling is getting married next year, and I'm invited. My family doesn't support my gayness. My mom has met my boyfriend only once and refused to be in his presence for more than two minutes. Should I bring my boyfriend to my sister's wedding or ask him to stay home? My invitation came with only my name on it.
— Brother Of The Bride
You say: "Hey, Sis. Looking forward to the wedding. I've been seeing a great guy for two years now, as you know, and I'm planning on bringing him to the wedding."
If she says, "Don't bring him. It'll just piss off Mom," then you say, "I'm coming with my boyfriend or I'm not coming at all — and remember, Sis, one day Mom will be dead and it's just going to be you and me. So in the long run, you should be more concerned about pissing me off than pissing Mom off."
And if she says, "Don't bring him. I don't want your gay boyfriend at my wedding," then you say, "If you don't want gays at your wedding, Sis, then you shouldn't have invited me. I want to be there — but if I come, I'm bringing my boyfriend."
Have the confrontation now, BOTB, so that you can't be accused of trying to make trouble/drama right before your sister's wedding. But you need to seize this opportunity to dictate terms to your family: they can have their homophobia or they can have you in their lives — but they can't have both.
Last year, around this time, you promised to share your mom's Christmas cookie recipe with the readers of your blog. I would love to try it out if you're okay with sharing the recipe.
— Jason
I'm delighted to share my mom's Christmas cookie recipe. She made these chocolate snowballs every year when her kids were young. Once her kids were grown, Ma Savage shipped tins of these cookies to us if we couldn't make it home for Christmas. Now I make them in December and ship tins off to my siblings on her behalf. It's a great recipe for folks with little kids: there's a step where you roll the dough into balls, a perfect job for little (freshly washed) hands.
I made some earlier this month, had a little sob (I'm still missing my mom), and got some tins off to my sibs. I'm happy to share my mom's recipe with you, Jason, and with Savage Love readers.
Ma Savage's Christmas Snowballs
2 cups flour
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/4 cup butter
2/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups pecans
confectioners' sugar
Sift flour, salt, and cocoa together. Cream butter and sugar until fluffy, and add vanilla. Gradually beat dry ingredients into butter and sugar. Blend in pecans. Form dough into a loaf, wrap it up, put in fridge overnight.
Cut loaf into inch-thick slices, cut slices into inch-square cubes, roll cubes into balls about one inch in diameter. Bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 350 degrees for 20 minutes maximum. Transfer cookies off sheets right away and allow to cool completely. Put cookies in tub or tin, sift confectioners' sugar over cookies, put lid on, turn tin or tub over a few times to coat cookies with confectioners' sugar.
Enjoy my mom's cookies and have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year, everyone.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Tags
Infidelity
Commentarium (29 Comments)
I don't understand why you needed to run to your bro about this or why you need to "confront" your mom about this. She's human. And, you're an adult. About the only thing you need to do here is get your bro to chill the hell out and be the supportive and self sufficient child your ma needs you to be.
Hadn't read Dan's response before I posted. Wow, I agree with him 100% for once. PS. My dad cheated too. It was back before the internet when I first discovered his habits. I found out because I was always the one answering the phone. His being my everything trumped what he was doing and it never had to be addressed. Honestly, I didn't think twice about the matter. You're not the first or the last kid to catch a cheating parent. Life goes on.
I am confused by your reaction to the wedding invitation. In the advice above it you tell the guy to basically love his Mom for all her faults and be glad that she is happy. In the next you are condemning someones mother and saying that the mother is going to die and you make it sound like a good thing. I am all for gay rights, I think it shouldn't matter who are dating or marring. However I am not everyone, these people will change eventually but being forced to change does not help the transition. I would find a more tactful way of having my family except my boyfriend. Plus this guys sister is going to be stressed out enough over this wedding and family tension is not going to help. You know all I hear from people is me, me,me. But rarely do people stop to see others people wants and desires. Maybe people would be more accepting of other people if they made a little effort instead of throwing demands at you constantly.
Re MOM: it sounds like these boys have the same disdain for their mother that their father does, which isn't very surprising. Most likely she disdains herself which is why she continued to inflict this marriage on herself for so long and allowed her sons to be trained to hate her too.
I agree with Dan: the kids need to keep their mouths shut, and if their mom ever develops the self esteem to ditch her abusive POS husband, they need to think about how to keep her safe from his probable rage and the punishment of their religious community. They also need to get educated on the consequences of growing up in an abusive home and find out how to prevent themselves from carrying on the family tradition.
I agree wholeheartedly with Ashimar.
I also agree with Ashimar... I think you should also focus on your sister and not bitter her wedding. Find some other ocasion to do this.
To those who think Dan's advice to the gay brother and his sister's wedding was a little harsh, how would you feel if the family didn't like the SO b/c of religion? Or race? Or just didn't take a like to the partner? If said brother was married to someone the family didn't like, should he just leave the spouse at home to save his sister "drama"? No. The bottom line is that when family members ask you to choose between them and your partner, everyone loses.
Great advice to both writers, Dan.
Mind you, I can't even imagine how stressful this wedding is going to be on the second guy's partner.
@AH I think the point was that it's a wedding. It's not about anyone except the couple getting married, if someone wants to skip a family holiday gathering or something like that because their boyfriend isn't invited it's one thing, but to try to make your own point on someone else's special day is kind of childish and extremely selfish. It's one day, suck it up and go solo.
Re: Wedding--Dan's right. If your family doesn't accept your partner, for whatever reason, then they don't accept you. If they don't accept you, why would you want to go to their wedding?
I agree wholeheartedly with Ashimar,its the SISTER's wedding day,find some other time to solve the family issues,not during one of the most important day for someone else.
Those who think Dan is too harsh: have you ever read Savage Love before?
It really depends. How important is it for the second letter writer to make his point, right here, right now? Is it important enough that he could ruin his sister's wedding day for it, and thereby increase his chance of completely, and in an ugly way, severing ties with the family? Or can he (and his partner) have the patience to battle this out after the wedding bells have stopped chiming?
In my opinion, the second would be better, simply because the family's reaction would be purely about the guy being gay, and not anger about the guy missing the wedding BECAUSE he is gay. Let's face it, changes don't happen overnight, and true tolerance is a lot less likely if the guy starts dictating ultimatums on his sister's wedding day.
What AH said--what if the writer in #2 was straight but in an interracial marriage, and the mother or sister said, "We don't want your black girlfriend at our wedding." Would that be OK with you, too, because after all, it's a wedding? The "it's a wedding, the bride and her mom have to be humored" excuse is absolutely disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself for making it--and I'm someone who just dealt with all of the complications of planning and having a large wedding a couple months ago.
There are certain behaviors that can be excused because "it's a wedding," but bigotry is not one of them.
Yes, if it was my boyfriend and my family didn't like him because he was Jewish/black/douchebaggy/whatever, I would suck it up and go alone. I wouldn't selfishly use my sister's wedding as cause to issue an ultimatum for my family. There are many more appropriate times for that. If it was my husband and not my boyfriend, that does change things. But since the letter-writer refers to him as "boyfriend" and not "partner" or "husband," I'll assume that they have not yet made a life-long commitment to each other. If he follows Dan's advice, he WILL make himself look immature and selfish, and he WILL alienate his sister. It will make it that much harder for his family to ever accept him, if it does not result in severing ties with the family completely. Have this fight over Thanksgiving or Christmas instead. Also, who's footing the bill for this wedding? Since traditionally the bride's parents pay, maybe his mother is paying through the nose and dictating the guest list.
@LS
No. Just... no.
Understanding and respect cut _both_ ways. Fuck your relatives if they cannot accept you for who you are. My SO is a huge part of my life, and I am lucky enough to have relatives who like and accept her, but if she were intentionally de-listed from a major event such as a _wedding_ you bet your bonny behind I'm not going.
You cannot choose your relatives but you can choose your family.
dan i really really like you, but i dont feel your advice to that guy with the sister is at all correct! you can't hammer acceptance into people, just like you can't hammer the gay out of them. his sister's wedding is not a day where he gets to go around creating statements about his homosexuality. it is her day, and he should bloody well attend the wedding.
спасибо за статейку
@hey dude
It is not acceptance, it is basic respect. I agree that not coming to a picnic because your family doesn't like your SO is too much, but this is your sister's wedding. If you don't invite the SO, you're saying you do not respect his right to the pursuit of happiness because of a belief which is inherently and intrinsically wrong.
Hey Dan, as usual you suck.
Your advice to "Mother Obliterated" was so long and boring that I had to masterbate twice during the reading of it just to stay awake. I would have responded as follows:
Dear Obliterated, You're mom's a saint for cheating on that CS. You should keep snooping around and try to find some video of mom and lover boy doing it. Then you and that sniveling fag brother of yours should attatch it to an e-mail and sendit to your old man. What ever happens next should help to spice up the miserable little lives. nuff said
Hey Dan, As usual your advice sucks. Way to long and boring. I had to jerkoff twice during the reading of it just to stay awake. My advice would be:
Dear "Obliterated" You and that sniveling fag brother of yours need to wake up and smell the coffee here.
You have an opportunity for some great fun. Snoop around some more and try to come up with some video of your cheating mom banging lover boy, copy and paste as an attatchment to an e-mail and send it to that worthless father of yours. Then you and your punk brother can sit back and wait for the fun. Now isn't that much better. frankthewriter
By the way... made the cookies tonight.. SO GOOD!! :D
Goodness, you buys should be happy for your mother. She stayed with her husband in order to fulfill society's expectations of her. What about HER??? Do you think just because she made her bed and decided to lay in it, that she doesn't deserve tenderness, affection, love, excitement, and yes... HOT SEX??? She only lives once, it seems she has paid her dues, leave her alone. Better yet, encourage her behavior and remind her she only lives once. She suffered for years on your behalf, it's the least you can do. UNLESS... you think your mother should retreat back into a hateful, loveless, sexless existance. Poor Mom.
for the record, dan did say to confront the sister BEFORE the wedding, so that everything gets taken care of before the actual day. I do agree with Dan, especially because I doubt too many of you ( straight or otherwise) would appreciate an invitation for one if you had a special someone that you wanted to bring along. Take out the sex factor, and it turns out to be a situation of people simply being rude.
I see where you're coming from, moi, but lets take sex out of it. Lets say that I was in a committed relationship with a black girl (I'm white) and I come from a family of red-necks. Not necessarily white supremicist neo-nazis, but, I know damn well that if I bring her all eyes are going to be on her, and me, and not my sister and her new husband.
I could get butt-hurt and start throwing out "if she's not welcome, I'm not welcome" ultimatums, or, I could pull on my big-boy pants, and go wish my sister well on her wedding, and work on integrating my new love into my family the other 364 days of the year, so that the next time there's a wedding or other family event, it won't be an issue.
"CPOS"?
For the love of God, mind your business and leave hers be.
MOM: You need to mind your own business, and tell your brother he needs to do the same. Invading your mother's privacy and insinuating yourself into her relationship with your dad uninvited is the height of disrespect. You wouldn't appreciate it if she had her nose this far into your business, I'm sure.
BOB: You got some awful "I am gay guy, hear me roar" advice there. It's your Sister's wedding. She has every right to expect that she will be the center of attention. If your family isn't ready for you and your partner, they aren't, and your sister doesn't need THAT to become the center of attention on her day. Savage needs some remedial classes in basic respect, and you need to decide whether you have it within you to work on integrating your partner into your family some other time, and at the same time, go wish your Sister well on her day.
lpKs0P It`s really useful! Looking through the Internet you can mostly observe watered down information, something like bla bla bla, but not here to my deep surprise. It makes me happy!!!