Savage Love

I'm worried that my sex games with my boyfriend are going to spill out into the rest of our relationship.

Sex Games

By Dan Savage

I'm a twenty-seven-year-old divorced woman. I married the first man I ever had sex with, and we had a very vanilla sex life. He refused to try any play with dominant/submissive roles. My fantasies have always involved my submission and my favorite porn features women being submissive.

My current boyfriend is very open and experienced. With him, I've tried being held down during sex, light bondage, dirty talk, gentle choking, etc. The sex is AMAZING. Here's my problem: a few nights ago while we were watching TV and cuddling, he started to stroke my body. I asked if I could touch myself and if he would keep watching TV while I did it. I had the most intense orgasm of my life while he ignored me.

We talked about how this was very submissive behavior, and I said that I'd like to explore it more if he's open to it (he is). My concern is that this submission might spill over into the relationship. I am NOT submissive in the relationship; we're very much equals. I know that he sees it as a sexual kink and is very GGG, but I'm concerned that it could lead to him thinking that I want to be ignored in other aspects of the relationship.

Seeing as this is my second relationship and the first time I've been able to indulge my submissive desires, I might be worrying over nothing. I'm feeling like an emotionally leotarded, sexually repressed teenager.

— Scared Of Submission

Keep talking to your boyfriend, leotard, and you'll be just fine.

At first it struck me as odd that you would be troubled by a thoroughly sweet moment of soft-focus, fuzzy-bunnies Dom/sub intimacy and not by the other, arguably more intense, SM games you've been playing with your boyfriend. There you are getting held down, tied up, talked down-and-dirty to, and "gently choked" (gentle or not, choking is a bad idea)... and you're worried that being ignored while you masturbate takes you into new and dangerously submissive territory?

After a moment's thought, I realized why this particular game troubled you so much: all of that other stuff took place in obviously sexual contexts, i.e., it happened in the bedroom while you were getting it on. This game — a game you initiated — began during a moment of not specifically sexual intimacy. You were cuddling, you were watching TV, you weren't having sex. If Dom/sub games can break out when you're just sitting there watching TV, who's to say that Dom/sub games can't break out when you're doing the dishes? Or at the movies? Or having dinner with your parents?

You can have the Dom/sub dynamics you enjoy without having to worry about them slopping over into other areas of your life, SOS, by being assertive, communicative, and vigilant. If you can ask a man to ignore you and keep watching TV while you masturbate, SOS, you should be able to say this to him: "Being submissive turns me on when we're having sex — and the minute I started masturbating, we were having sex — but if you treat me like anything other than your equal when we're not having sex, Sir, I will kick your fucking ass."

My guy wants to come in my mouth. I am fine with the act, but he produces a high volume of ejaculate, like three tablespoons' worth. The only thing I can think of is getting him most of the way there and letting him come on my face. Any advice on how I can do this for him?

— GGG Sex Partner

I measured out three tablespoons of half-and-half, GSP, and you couldn't drown a kitten in it, much less a GGG sex partner. An adult should be able to knock that back without much trouble.

Give the man a blowjob, GSP, and let him come in your mouth. If there's too much ejaculate to swallow, or if you can't manage to precisely time swallows to spurts, allow the excess ejaculate to run out of the corners of your mouth. If you don't want to swallow any ejaculate, close the top of your throat when he begins to come and spit it all out — into your hand or onto a towel, or just let it run down and over his dick — once he's done.

I recently started college, and I met an amazing woman. Call her Jennifer. She's talented artistically, poetically, and with a blade. I met her at the Renaissance Club, and the first time I saw her at Fight Circle I was intrigued. Older club members often adopt new club members. Jennifer and her girlfriend, Robin, adopted me as their daughter. A couple weeks afterward, we decided to have a pet/Mistresses relationship between the three of us. I was content with this because it would allow me to get closer to Jennifer. One night, she and I "slept" together, and soon afterward, Jennifer decided to put the pet/Mistress relationship on hold because she didn't want to drag me into her relationship drama.

I'm not sure what to do: should I wait for them to break up (they have been having arguments lately and Robin still isn't aware that Jennifer and I "slept" together), wait for Robin to allow us to have a pet/Mistress relationship again, or just move on?

— Ex-Pet Lesbian

Sword fights, adoptions, pets, Mistresses, faux-incest/pseudo-bestiality role-playing games — a lot has changed at Liberty University since I was an undergrad.

Look, EPL, if Jennifer and Robin are falling apart, step back and be patient. That way you won't be held responsible by the rest of Renaissance Club once you and Jennifer resume your pet/Mistress/mommy/daughter/whatever routine.

I am living with a man whom I deeply love. I recently noticed that he is watching porn when I am not around. My self-esteem crashed when I learned this because he often claimed to be too tired to have sex. At the same time, I noticed that since he started watching porn, we have had a lot more sex. Can you help me sort this out so I can bandage up my wounds?

— Bummed By Porn

I get lots of letters from women — and some from men — complaining about "too tired for sex" partners sneaking off to watch porn. I had to read your letter twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things: your partner used to claim he was too tired for sex, which presumably bummed you out, but now that he's watching a little porn, you're having a lot more sex... and you're still bummed out?

He's using porn to get his juices flowing, BBP, and those juices are ultimately flowing into you. Perhaps you should be grateful to porn for the way it's improved your sex life.

I'm a straight male who skipped the sleeping-around phase and went straight to long-term boyfriend. Now in my thirties, I find myself wanting to make up for lost time. I've talked to my girlfriend of eight years about threesomes, arrangements, swinging — anything to sleep with other women and still hold on to my relationship. My girlfriend says that her sexually adventurous days are behind her. She has a low sex drive and doesn't want to waste what little she has on other people.

I'm stuck: Part of me thinks I can't be happy sexually having never had a sexually adventurous phase, and part of me fears that I'm giving up a loving relationship for what others tell me isn't a big deal anyway.

— Stuck

You break up.

Commentarium (16 Comments)

Jan 05 11 - 4:19am

Dan's adivce to Stuck should be the advice to about 50% of all of the people that write him.

Jan 05 11 - 12:26pm

I love how poly-friendly this column is, it makes me feel normal.

Jan 05 11 - 12:39pm

I used to date a totally sub woman... and, as many people have pointed out, it's often the sub who is really calling the shots. There was only one time where the dom/sub thing "leaked out of the bedroom" into regular relationship stuff and a simple miffed glare from her shut it down (I had misinterpreted something as an invitation to start up some sex).

Jan 05 11 - 1:05pm

i am a totally sub woman who is almost always the dominant one in the nonsexual part of the relationship. weirdly enough, i've found you have to take some control if you want to get dominated. unless you're interested in a slave/master relationship, but that's a whole different barrel of whips.

Jan 05 11 - 5:32pm
Pop Culture Blows

It's a LOT more effort to fuck someone than it is to jerk off. Sorry honey, sometimes we need to get off but simply don't have the energy for the real deal. (And if you try to convince us you've never been in the same situation we'll all know you're full of shit.)

Jan 05 11 - 8:41pm

Yep, I'm the sub in the bedroom and dominant in the relationship. It is fantastic. I usually just drop some hints... "I've got a problem.. I've been really bad, and I seem to be getting away with it."

Jan 06 11 - 5:25pm

just going to mention that the poly renaissance thing sounds hot until you realize these people are all really fat.

Jan 06 11 - 11:15pm

I love the liberty comment, I went to Liberty and it cracks me up! way to go Dan!!

Jan 07 11 - 12:41pm

Lezley: What the what? OH MAN. You mean nerds are sometimes fat? That's fucking disgusting. I can't believe they would even...

Jesus. Most of the ren nerds I've met were of all shapes and sizes, for one. Fer two: Being fat isn't an auto-turn off for everyone in the world.

Jan 09 11 - 2:12am
sex tube

What are costs for periodic assessments?

Jan 14 11 - 3:25pm

I started to choke while laughing at the Liberty of my friends went there and is holier than thou the comment paired with the visual image of her hypothetically as the letter writer was priceless

Jan 21 11 - 2:03am
Cuckhold Don

Sexplay is (usally) just sexplay (for some of us it does invade our"" normal"" life& it's good!
You can choose when & under what circumstances(allthough nothing stays the same forever!
The only constant in life is change---Embrace it!

Feb 07 11 - 7:13am

SOS: You freaked out because you essentially asked his permission to orgasm. If you find it hot for him to "own" your orgasm, nothing wrong with that, but it is in fact a different level of submission than just complying with some rough sex and light bondage. Have a look in the mirror and make sure that you aren't frightened that you might want more, not that he might want more. Don't offer to kick his ass. He'll have three possible responses to that. None of htem are good for you.

Stuck: You're just rationalizing about your missed youth, bud. You're feeling what your parents called the "seven year itch". It just took you an extra year. There is hardly a healthy man your age out there that doesn't think about getting some strange, especially if they're with a woman who has a "low sex drive". You can bust up what you have, which will cost you more than you think, but in the end, after you've gotten a little, or a lot, you're going to find out that there is no magical pussy out there that's all that much better than what you're getting. If you were genuinely wired to require more than one woman in your life, you'd have made different choices, and acted on that long before your mid thirties. Part of being a mature man is making sound decisions when conflicting desires are involved. Time to make one.

Nov 20 11 - 11:45am

In awe of that anewsr! Really cool!

Nov 22 11 - 8:20pm

It's great to read something that's both enjoyable and provides pragmatisdc slooutins.