Savage Love

Okay: female, married fifteen years, one young child. No sex with husband over last five years. Have tried therapy, talking, not talking, confrontation — you name it, Dan, I tried it. Lingerie, kink, porn. Seriously, everything. A year and a half ago, I got into a relationship with a married guy, a man who also wasn’t getting any at home. Our agreement is basically this: no strings, no ties that could hurt our families, have as much fun as we can.

My husband just got diagnosed with late-stage cancer. He is dying. Six months. Leaving him is not an option. On some level, I feel horribly guilty about still seeing my lover, but it’s the only outlet I’ve got.

Am I a complete skank/CPOS?No Good Acronym

SAVAGE LOVE You were doing what you needed to do to stay sane and stay married before your husband’s diagnosis, NGA, and you should continue to do whatever it takes to stay sane and stay married — for your own sake, for your husband’s sake, for your kid’s sake. If seeing your lover helps, I think you should continue to see your lover.

But see him less often, NGA, and redouble your efforts to keep the affair secret.

You are less the spouse and lover now, and more the nurse and caretaker. In consideration of the good years you had together and with the knowledge that his undiagnosed illness could have been behind his lack of interest in sex, let go of whatever lingering resentments you have. Do everything you can to make your husband comfortable and make his death "good" — and that includes keeping your affair from him.

Realistically and logistically, NGA, I think you won’t be able to see as much of your lover over the next six months as you have over the last eighteen. And six months isn’t that long to go without. But if you need to see your lover a few times in order to stay sane and stay married and get through this awful time, then you should see your lover — for your own sake, for your husband’s sake, for your kid’s sake.

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year. Since the get-go, he has refused to give me oral sex because he just plain doesn’t like it, doesn’t like the taste. He says he doesn’t even like looking at my vagina. He does, however, like me to give him oral sex. I’ve tried explaining the importance of oral for me, but he thinks I’m obsessing and says the act just grosses him out. I’m resenting this situation more and more. So much so that now I really don’t feel like giving him oral sex. Any suggestions on how to improve this situation?Needing Oral Tonight

SAVAGE LOVE Your situation will not improve, NOT, until you find yourself a boyfriend who isn’t a fag.

There may be a few straight boys out there who don’t like to eat pussy, sad to say, but a straight boy who doesn’t even like to look at pussy? Unless there’s something very seriously wrong with your pussy’s appearance — a web of scars from a waxing gone horribly, horribly wrong; the Fox News logo tattooed on your pubic mound; the glowering face a parasitic twin where your clit should be — your boyfriend is a fag, NOT. Do to your boyfriend what my one and only girlfriend should’ve done to me: DTMFA.

Just wanted to share a funny story with you. It’s also, we think, a great example of being GGG. My ladyfriend generally requires more foreplay than I do, but on rare occasions we focus on me exclusively. Two nights ago, after three years together, we figured we’d give a high-school classic a try: I was going to get a handjob. I must’ve been temporarily transported back to my Little League days, because as she was contentedly pumping away, I asked if she could adjust her grip, saying, "Baby, could you choke up a little bit?"

"What," she said, the sweetest, most GGG look on her face, "you mean, like, cry?"

I really think she would’ve done it, too, if I hadn’t laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed. Choked Up In Toronto

SAVAGE LOVE Thanks for sharing, CUIT, and now…

WHEREAS you’re writing from Canada, and WHEREAS my Canadian readers patiently endure my rants about conservative American politicians (like last week’s rant about New Hampshire state representative Nancy "Wiggle in Excrement" Elliott), and WHEREAS my American readers might assume that Canada — where gay marriage is legal, everyone has health care, the boys are hot, and the girls are hotter — doesn’t have any batshit-conservative politicians of its own, BE IT RESOLVED that I will make an effort to write about Canada’s batshit-conservative politicians every once in a while.

No time like the present: I could write about your batshit-conservative prime minister, Stephen Harper, who’s always proroguing the shit out of your parliament. (I don’t know what proroguing is exactly, but like the shit in French on breakfast-cereal boxes, it sounds pretty fucking filthy.) But a better example of conservative batshittery would be Vic Toews. Canada’s unofficial "Minister of Family Values," member of parliament Toews — surprise! — doesn’t like the gays because we’re a threat to the family and the institution of marriage. Toews has described gay marriage ceremonies as satanic "Black Masses" and insisted that adding gays and lesbians to existing Canadian civil rights statutes would bring the "jackboot of fascism [down] on the necks of our people."

You know where this is going, right?

It turned out that Toews — who once warned that gay marriage could lead to polygamy — was cheating on his wife of twenty-five years. After getting a much younger woman pregnant, Toews wound up getting divorced. Another marriage destroyed not by gays stomping around in fabulous jackboots, but by another straight "Christian" shitfuck politician slamming his dick into someone who isn’t his wife.

Toews’s affair became public two years ago, but the scandal didn’t destroy him — he became minister of public safety this January — because the Canadian press sniffed that Toews’s affair and divorce were private. Excuse me, Canadian-press pansies, but a politician who scares up votes attacking the private lives of others, a politician who insists that other people are out to destroy his marriage, can’t be allowed to hide behind "my private business!" when it turns out that the only threat to the politician’s marriage was the politician’s own greasy cock.

Here’s hoping that all straight folks everywhere one day realize that anti-gay ravers come in just two flavors: assholes who are externalizing their own internal struggles against homosexual desires (Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Charlie Crist, Joseph Ratzinger, et al.) and assholes who are attempting to compensate for and/or draw attention away from their own moral shortcomings (David Vitter, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Vic Toews, et al.).

Toews is pronounced "taves," and it seems to me that it should be a word for something nasty. Get on it, Canada.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE WHO ASKED: if the mother of the thirteen-year-old boy with the latex-glove fetish had written to me and not to Prudie — and she probably didn’t write to me for a reason — I would’ve advised her to leave her son alone, told her that fetishes aren’t mental illnesses, and suggested that her son might be feeling "horribly embarrassed and guilty" about his fetish because HIS MOTHER IS HOUNDING HIM ABOUT IT. And I would’ve told her that any wife or girlfriend who wouldn’t indulge her son’s kink — once he’s an adult — wouldn’t be worthy of his time or affections.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at

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Commentarium (22 Comments)

Mar 03 10 - 6:32am

"Your situation will not improve, NOT, until you find yourself a boyfriend who isn’t a fag." AMEN. Also: the choke up story is hi-larious. And sweet.

Mar 03 10 - 8:48am

I agree with you about NOT ... either you are correct, or he is an EXTREMELY self-centered individual not worthy of ANY woman's time - and therefore should just switch teams. And I agree with PO; the choke up store is so incredibly sweet and hilarious! :o)

Mar 03 10 - 9:16am

Agreed, re: Prudie's way off-base advice. Hope the mother in question sees your column and butts the fuck out of her son's apparently benign sex life.

Mar 03 10 - 11:15am


I think, maybe it's splitting hairs, but I think a more likely explanation than closeted homosexuality is that her BF is an immature child. There are plenty of recorded instances of people hating oral when they first start (in adolescence) but like coffee, cigarettes and booze, the more you do it the better it gets. If you've never really done it to begin with (which is the sense I get here) you never come to enjoy it. That being said however, there's no excuse for being a squeamish baby this far into adulthood. No impetus to waste one's time on a baby.

Mar 03 10 - 11:36am

If the readership comes up with "something nasty" to represented by the word Toews (taves) poor Jonothan Toews, young Olympic hockey star, Chicago Blackhawk, super cute young guy and unrelated to the aforementioned right wing dick in parliament, will be peripherally dragged through the mud. Which could be pretty sexy come to think of it...wait...what was my point?

Mar 03 10 - 1:04pm

If the dude doesn't want to eat her then he doesn't want to eat her. There are people- male and female who just are NOT into giving oral sex regardless of sexual orientation. She should just find someone she shares more sexual compatibility with and leave this one way oral dude to himself.

PS. There are people who simply have a bad taste about them, not all genitals taste like skin some taste awful because the person may be harboring an undiagnosed STD. I think its just as gross to have sex with someone whose genitals smell as though there is a medical problem with it than it is to go down on someone who is perfectly healthy but has an "acquired taste."

Mar 03 10 - 1:55pm
M. E.

Dude. Who doesn't love eating pussy? Even if the taste doesn't rank up there with pizza and beer for him, he should thoroughly enjoy the pleasure it brings you. Every GGG straight guy (and gay woman) out there thinks getting women off is the hottest thing on earth. DTMFA x 100.

Aug 30 12 - 8:30pm

Was wondering, is this different than “my girlfriend won’t do anal”? There are several comments about not engaging in an enjoyable sexual act being a deal breaker. Does this extend to anal sex, or is oral sex in its own separate category. And if it is, why? Should men be forcing themselves to do what they don’t like for their woman’s pleasure, but woman not feeling the same pressure?

Mar 03 10 - 2:01pm

Re: Canadian Politics

I'm glad you made note of Canada's double standard in the media. Our Conservative overlords have been hard at work with their incremental policy objectives. Just recently it was discovered our Immigration Minister Jason Kenney pulled gay rights
from citizenship guide. We are talking a few sentences:

"Internal documents show an early draft of the guide contained sections noting that homosexuality was decriminalized in 1969; that the Charter of Rights and Freedoms forbids discrimination based on sexual orientation; and that same-sex marriage was legalized nationally in 2005.

But Mr. Kenney, who fought same-sex marriage when it was debated in Parliament, ordered those key sections removed when his office sent its comments to the department last June."

Very Sad.

Mar 03 10 - 7:52pm

Toews (noun) ingrown hairs on the shaft of the penis, causing painful inflammation and an accumulation of pus. Can be mistaken for venereal disease until popped by a public health nurse.

Mar 04 10 - 3:53pm

I went down on my girlfriend who was on her period, just for the joy of it.

Mar 04 10 - 6:19pm

Normally I am vehemently anti-cheating, but I think NGA's situation right now is an exception, and Dan's advice was spot on.

For poor NOT, that's what you get for dating Robert Pattinson. See ). Again, have to agree with Dan: DTMFA.

Mar 04 10 - 9:36pm

Your rants are not technically advice and therefore bores me. I don't read your column because I want your insight into politics. I do, however, enjoy everything else. Keep in mind that some of us just don't care . . .

Mar 04 10 - 9:42pm

I'm pretty sure Dan doesn't read comments on this website and even if he did, would probably tell you to shove it. He's not your advice monkey.

Mar 05 10 - 9:05am
Need Oral Also

I have the exact same situation as Needs Oral Tonight, except I'm a guy and my wife is a girl. She won't go down on me. Does the same advice apply? Double standard?

Mar 07 10 - 12:54pm
aussie joe

Dan, your advice on NGA was absolutely spot-on. It was respectful of the situation both people found themselves in. It dealt with the emotional realities with sound, practical advice. You rock.

And NGA: hang in there. Dan's right about making your husband the focus (while ensuring you still have in your life what you need to function well). If winding back proves too much for your lover, ask for his understanding - but whatever you do just stick with the program, and come back to him later or seek out someone new. And don't feel guilty. You're a good person: only a genuine class act would recognize that 'leaving him is not an option,' now that you're all in this horrible place. Your fella is a lucky man, to have you with him through his final days. Be good to yourself, and good luck.

Mar 28 10 - 7:11pm

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Oct 18 11 - 1:03pm

I'd be cheating too If I had to put up with that.
in fact i'd call this a special case, its not even classed as cheating its pretty much fulfilling your needs.

wonder what this guys excuse is for not having sex?

Oct 23 11 - 9:23pm

Yes, you are a complete skank. Don't worry now, you will repent your sins for all eternity.

Nov 21 11 - 3:06am

I'm quite plsaeed with the information in this one. TY!

Nov 21 11 - 2:53pm

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Feb 29 12 - 1:12am

Man, this has to be one of the most heart-wrenching things I ever read. On The Other Hand, I really think you *should* tell your husband. The "pissed-off-itude" might keep him around longer (IFF you care about him being around longer). I am curious what the women would think if the situation were reversed. Not the BS magnaminous "he should be grateful that as he's dying I am f*ing another dude behind his back" stuff. Every woman that I've known (and most of you) would say the husband was "filth, betraying his wife who did xxx, yyy, zzz for him". Your secret silence is *NOT* for his best-intrest; it is for your own conscience. Were it ME, I would want to know. OTOH I would've told my wife if I was dying. BTDT, my first wife had incurable <.edit.> and didn't tell me because she "didn't want me to worry".