What do you mean I can't have sex? Oh, Brother.
By Georgette Eva
For those of you in the seventh century looking for some action but unsure if you’re allowed, this handy sex flowchart is a go-to guide. In his book Law, Sex, and Christian Society in Medieval Europe, historian James Brundage breaks down the path towards conjugal permission as seen through the church’s eyes. Warning: the odds are not in your favor.
These stipulations come from penitentials, the handbook for priests in the Middle Ages. It acted as a sort of price guide for sins with strict penances for infractions. For instance, did you slay someone? Then you better forfeit your orders and get ready to fast for 12 years if you want any absolution.
Let’s try it. Feeling randy? Check. Are you married? Damn. Already, I’m stumped, but if you go through (and lie) days of the week, daylight, and being nude automatically drops you into the “Sin” box. For those lucky few who get to the go-ahead, you can’t enjoy it, but you better get a kid out of it and it better be Monday.
[h/t The Atlantic]