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Dating Advice from . . . Zamboni Drivers

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Adam, 25

What can a Zamboni driver’s skills tell me about how they’ll be in bed?
See if they pay attention to the details of what they’re doing. If they miss a spot on the ice, they’re going to miss a spot on you, too.

How can I put my hotness on display when the weather requires so many layers?
Layer like a young sexpot. You can still be warm and show the right amount of skin.

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My boyfriend always wants to have sex in the morning, but all I want to do is sleep. Any suggestions?
Tell him the reason you need to sleep is because he wore you out last night. This will stroke his ego and buy you some time.

What’s the best way to pick someone up at the ice rink?
Ask them if they want to take a ride on your Zamboni, then wink and walk away. Works every time.

I’m visiting my boyfriend at his parents’ house, and they’re making us stay in separate bedrooms. He says I should sneak into his room, but I’m afraid of getting caught. What should we do?
Make him come to your room instead. He knows the layout of the place better than you do, so he won’t trip and wake up the whole house.

What’s the best way to use ice in the bedroom?
After a long night of hot nookie, use ice to sooth your aching parts and to stimulate another hot session of nookie.

Whenever my girlfriend’s ex is in town, they go out for long dinners alone together to “catch up.” Is it valid for me to be bothered by this?
You can be bothered by this up to a point, but in the end you just have to trust her. If you’re still suspicious, ask to see the receipt from dinner.

Garret, 27

My boyfriend talks dirty in a way that offends me. How can I get him to stop without making him feel bad?
Out-dirty him. Say such outrageous shit back to him that he never wants to talk even a little dirty to you again.

My boyfriend and I were discussing people we think are hot, and I offhandedly mentioned his best friend. Now he seems jealous and suspicious. What should I do?
Don’t ever mention it again, and any time you two see the best friend, casually comment to your boyfriend about little things the friend does that bug you, like how his laugh makes him sound like an idiot, or how his new haircut makes him look like Jimmy Ray.

Any tips for hooking up outdoors this time of year?
The winters here in Manitoba generally stay around negative twenty-two degrees Fahrenheit. Hooking up in that would involve being done in about three seconds and having brass balls.

With everyone wearing so many layers this time of year, how can I accurately assess hotness?
Luckily, most people over the age of twelve don’t wear snow pants, so look to the ass. Even if all else has gone to hell, at least they’ll have a nice ass.

Whenever my girlfriend’s ex is in town, they go out for long dinners alone together to “catch up.” Is it valid for me to be bothered by this?
This guy was a pretty big part of her life for awhile, and if the relationship didn’t end badly then she’d probably want to know how he’s doing. If she’s never given you any reason to suspect she’s going behind your back, don’t start now. You’ll lose any argument you start over this.

How can I make sure I never drunk-dial my ex again?
Make it so he doesn’t answer when you call. Call him up and tell him how he can’t match up to your new guy’s size and skill in the sack. After that, no matter how often you call him, he’s not going to pick up.

My boyfriend always wants to have sex in the morning, but all I want to do is sleep. Any suggestions?
Sleep through it. Afterward, tell him he was so good you passed out.


Phil, 22

What’s the best way to use ice in the bedroom?
A little foreplay with the nipples always works.

Can you tell how someone will be in bed by their Zamboni driving skills?
Watch how much slipping and sliding they do. If they’re all over the place, there’s your answer.

I think my fuck buddy and I could be a good couple. How can I ask him out on a real date without weirding him out?
Casually incorporate more PG activities — suggest you both run out for a post-sex snack or a pre-hookup drink. Then go from there.

Whenever my girlfriend’s ex is in town, they go out for long dinners alone together to “catch up.” Is it valid for me to be bothered by this?
It depends. There’s nothing wrong with catching up over some coffee or lunch, but if they’re going out of their way, or dressing up for the occasion, I’d be worried.

With everyone wearing so many layers this time of year, how can I accurately assess hotness?
You’ve got to look for other clues. Sure, snowboarding pants won’t show off her legs, but how does she look in a beanie and pigtails? That’s more important, anyway.


Tim, 21

My boyfriend and I were discussing people we think are hot, and I offhandedly mentioned his best friend. Now he seems jealous and suspicious. What should I do?
Ask him which one of your friends is hot, and don’t get upset when he mentions your best friend. That’ll square you up with him.

I’m visiting my boyfriend at his parents’ house, and they’re making us stay in separate bedrooms. He says I should sneak into his room, but I’m afraid of getting caught. What should we do?
You should go for it. Sex is much more exciting with that element of danger.

What does a Zamboni driver’s skills say about how they’ll be in bed?
Pay close attention to how they operate all the levers while they’re driving. It’s a sign they can multi-task under pressure.

My boyfriend always wants to have sex in the morning, but all I want to do is sleep. Any suggestions?
Morning sex is the best, so just give it to him. Most likely it will be short and then you can go right back to sleep anyway.

Any tips for hooking up outdoors in the winter?
Do it in the warming room on the back of a Zamboni.
 

Interviews by Anna Davies. Dating Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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