Grandma Carmela Answers Your Sex And Dating Questions
If you're not sure what an orgasm feels like, we found an eighty-six-year-old grandmother to explain it to you.
A little while back, we ran a letter full of unfiltered advice about sex and dating, sent to Alison DeNisco by her eighty-six-year-old Grandma Carmela. Response was enthusiastic, to say the least. But we thought you might have some sex and dating problems that weren't addressed in the letter. So here are your sex and dating questions, answered by Grandma Carmela, with commentary by Alison. Try these on your own grandparents with caution.
Could you please give us your answer on the age-old question, "How do I have an orgasm, and how can I tell I'm actually having one?"
Grandma: Your body explodes, vaginally and clitorally, and you fall asleep afterwards. If you're attracted to your boyfriend it is a natural thing. You can try the top position. There has to be communication — tell him where you like to be touched and kissed.
Alison: I think Grandma said it all — and also, get to know your body and don't be afraid of it.
Do you believe in love at first sight or is it always just infatuation?
Grandma: Yes, yes, yes. I believe in it. You are a lucky man. It is usually "true love." You know immediately that she was meant for you, without ever touching her. Don't throw this away. You're blessed — soul mates are forever.
Alison: I'm not sure why we're assuming this is a man, Grandma, but okay. I have yet to experience infatuation at first sight that actually turns into love, but my parents claim that's how it went for them, so I'm willing to believe.
I'm in a great relationship right now — I've been with my girlfriend for five years. But I'm worried that things are too serious for how young we are. I feel like I'm being rushed into my thirties and a commitment I'm not ready for. I just wish I'd met her three years from now. I don't know what to do — I feel my twenties slipping away and I'm afraid I'm not making the most of them. Any words of wisdom?
Grandma: Your girlfriend wants a commitment after five years of dating? She is right to expect one. You are afraid of commitment, but you are not afraid of using her for sex. I think you feel you have not finished sowing your wild oats. Separate. Date others. This will help you decide if you want to commit totally, or just like the steady sex. I would advise your girlfriend to move on. You don't want the relationship to go further than sex only. Get lost!
Alison: Grandma is making some unfair assumptions here — I'm sure you aren't using your girlfriend of five years for sex (and if you are, well, what Grandma said). Is she asking for a commitment, or is it possible she feels as unsure as you do? You should talk about it, and see how she's feeling. If you're on the same page, it might not hurt to take a break, and see other people (though if she does want the commitment, this could potentially ruin things with her). You don't want to end up resenting her because you feel like you haven't experienced enough — though you should also keep in mind that the late-twenties single life may not be as great as you're expecting.
I've been courting a girl for months now. We spend a lot of time together, and we like each other, but she always tells me she's not ready to date. Do I tough it out and wait until she's ready, or is she leading me on?
Grandma: It seems strange — girls today want a boyfriend so badly, and she's not ready to date? If she were into you, she'd want to sleep with you. Move on — she's wasting your time. Find someone who enjoys your company and wants to be with you.
Alison: Unless she has a very good reason for not being ready, she's leading you on. Why wouldn't you want to date someone who you like and spend lots of time with (if you're attracted to them and connect with them, that is)? It sounds like she's waiting for someone better to come along. I agree with Grandma — move on.
I'm a virgin and my boyfriend isn't. He's had much more experience than me, and though I don't care about his past, I want to wait until marriage until we have sex. Is this too much to ask?
Grandma: I'm sure you and the boyfriend are having oral or manual sex. Therefore, that is sex. Your boyfriend is a saint. I would advise you to marry sooner rather than later — how many years are you going to wait?
Alison: What I'm wondering is how old you are, and how serious the relationship is. Are you actually going to be getting engaged in the near future? Talk to your boyfriend about what you want, and see what he thinks, but stick to your beliefs. It's fine if you do make the decision not to wait, but it shouldn't be just to hold on to him. I know a couple that went the first four years of their relationship without having sex, because the girl wanted to wait for marriage. The guy was in love with her, and decided it was worth it. They're married now and doing great, so it is possible.
I'm twenty-five, and I have a three-year-old son. My husband is not a particularly sexual person, and we sometimes go weeks without intimate contact. He says he's in love with me, but he's very cold and doesn't act interested.
For about sixteen months, I've been seeing someone else. He's great, but also married, and will never leave his wife. In the original letter you wrote to your granddaughter, you said not to marry a man if there is no passion. But now I find myself in love with a man who won't be physical with me, while caring very deeply for a guy who will never be with me. Do I leave and go for it alone, or try to make things happen with my cold husband? Or worse, stay a secret lover to a man who's perfect for me in my head but not in reality?
Grandma Carmela: How old is your husband? He should see a urologist or primary doctor, or have his testosterone levels checked — they might be very low. If that's corrected, he'll be a new and happy man. If your husband wants to save his marriage, he should realize that a wife needs love from her husband, and she has sexual needs. If his hormones are normal, your husband has psychological problems. See a marriage counselor, psychiatrist, or divorce lawyer. Perhaps he is gay and is afraid to come out of the "closet," and is living a double life. I hate to hurt your feelings, but I feel your husband does not love you. I suggest you end the affair with the married man — there is no future for you there, only more heartache.
Alison: I would never have thought of getting his hormone levels checked, but hey, why not? Is there another issue triggering his lack of intimacy, like depression? Or has he always been that way? I don't have the experience of being in a marriage to offer much guidance, but counseling sounds like a good option, especially since you say you're still in love with him, and you have a child. Whether or not you work it out with your husband, I agree with Grandma — end the affair.
I've been dating my boyfriend for six years, and I feel like I'm falling out of love with him. I don't know if he feels the same way or not. Also, there's this new guy who I'm infatuated with. It's totally different with him. Should I work things out with my boyfriend, or go for the new guy?
Grandma: If it's been six years with no marriage proposal yet, it looks as though your relationship will never go further. You have met a new man who is different. I like the word "different" — it sounds like you met Mr. Right. Go for it, enjoy, and dump the six-year relationship — it's dead and over.
Alison: You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend about your relationship. Chances are he can sense that something is off. It will be difficult, but worth it to lay all of your feelings out on the table. It might be good to take a break, date other people, and see if the grass is greener on the other side — but know that you're risking losing him. Think about if you're really okay with that, even if it doesn't work out with the new guy.
My marriage is nearly too perfect. We almost never fight — I can count the number of times we've raised our voices with each other on one hand. On one hand, I feel like I'm complaining about nothing, but on the other, I'm worried about what this could mean. How much conflict should a good relationship have?
Grandma: You're lucky. There is excellent communication between you two and you have a good marriage.
Alison: Again, I'm not married, but isn't it a good sign if you have nothing legitimate to fight about? Do you really want to be one of those couples that get into screaming matches? As long as you're happy and talking about any issues you do have, there's no need for lots of conflict. It's a lot sexier in the movies than in real life.