Sex Advice From Abstinence Pledgers

By Heather O'Neill

Anna, 31

Author of Sexless in the City

How can abstinence add to your sexuality?
"Abstinence" is kind of a tricky term, so I prefer to talk about sexual self-control — because that's what it really is. And one thing a healthy sexual self-control gives you is a fuller sense of what sexuality is. It's so easy to think of it as just being about intercourse, but there's so much more to being a man or a woman than that! Sexual self-control can really open your eyes to all that sexuality entails.

What are the main pitfalls of abstinence?
To talk about abstinence having "pitfalls" implies a somewhat negative view of it, as if it mostly has downsides. But if we talk in terms of sexual self-control, that changes. Certainly we can all think of examples of self-control exercised in an unhealthy way, but also many positive ways, such as the discipline of great musicians or athletes. Is there what economics would call an "opportunity cost" of their excellence? Sure. But no choice, sexual or otherwise, is free of a sacrifice of something else, even if you don't learn until later on what you gave up for it.

Sometimes the idea of getting a break from my boyfriend's libido sounds like Heaven. What is the best reason to date someone who has sworn off sex?
Taking sex out of the picture, at least temporarily, can bring a lot of clarity to things. If the person isn't trying to get sex out of you, it will probably give you a clearer picture of each other's character. And you can more easily evaluate things like: Is this someone I enjoy being around? Would I want to be with him or her when we've gotten lost in the middle of the desert?

My boyfriend caught me looking at girl-on-girl porn and freaked. I'm not a lesbian, I was just curious. How do I talk to him about it?
To talk about it in any kind of productive, meaningful way for the relationship, you're both going to have to dig beneath the surface a bit. What were your motives for looking? And what's behind his freak-out? Probably, what's behind his reaction will be a bigger factor than your motives, in fact, because the real issue is how he interpreted it, and the specters that raised for him.

What's the best way to introduce my ultra-conservative family to my tattooed, vegan girlfriend? I think they'd get along great, but I'm worried about these first impressions getting in the way.
She may have very different values from your family in a way, but there may be aspects of her character or sense of morality that are actually similar to theirs. Veganism is a pretty ascetic lifestyle and takes some serious discipline and commitment. Is that similar to things your relatives give up or are really committed to? Also, as staid as your family might seem, there are probably things they did in their youth, or people they dated, whom their families found very shocking. If you can get them to acknowledge and think back on that, you've laid decent groundwork for shrinking the gap between them and her. 

I lied to a girl I've been seeing about my job; I was embarrassed to say I just worked a register. We've been seeing each other for over a month now — how should I come clean?
Try to avoid bringing this up in a tense moment, first of all, but I would certainly tell her sooner than later. As long as you take the initiative to bring things up and can own up to your embarrassment, that ultimately reflects well on you. Hopefully she'll be big enough to recognize that, but be prepared for her to be somewhat taken aback by the deception and take it somewhat badly at first.