Sex Advice From Accordion Players

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What’s the best music for putting you in the mood?
Marvin Gaye. I know it sounds tacky. Oh, Prince. I like Prince a lot.

It’s the assless pants.
Ewww. [Laughs] Never been a big fan of assless pants. They make me feel funny when I look at them.

What’s the hottest non-porn movie to impress a date with?
Free Willy, just because it has Michael Madsen in it. Or Henry & June. It has a lot of girl-on-girl action, and you also get to see Uma Thurman’s tits. But you get to see Uma Thurman’s tits in a lot of movies.

My girlfriend and I were hanging out with an ex of mine who’s since become my close friend. My girlfriend asked me if I’d slept with her. I had. I told her, “I don’t ask you about which ex-boyfriends you’ve slept with.” She said, “That’s because you don’t want to know the answer. But I do want to know.” Does she have a right to know? Should I tell her?
I can understand not wanting to disclose information because you think it could cause an uncomfortable situation. But if she’s asking, you’re obligated to tell her the truth. If you don’t, she’s just going to keep bugging you.

I just found out that my boyfriend once had sex with a prostitute. I’m horrified. Is there any way to get over this?
I have friends who’ve had sex with prostitutes before. If you love him, it shouldn’t matter, as long as he doesn’t prefer them now.

My last boyfriend had a signature move that I really want my new boyfriend to try. How do I tell him?
Don’t tell him where you got it from, just tell him. Teach him the previous move, but alter it in a way that makes it his own.

How has being an accordion player improved your sexual technique?
I’m a better multitasker. You learn to do different things with your left and right hands. If you have to sing too, then you’re doing four things at once.

Michael, 32
One Ring Zero,

I have a boyfriend whom I’m about to break up with. Last night, I drunkenly hooked up with an ex and made out. Should I tell my soon-to-be-ex boyfriend, or is it not worth it?
Just making out? Not worth it. More than making out? I would still say no, not worth it.

But if we slept together, I should?
See, here’s the thing. Being in the situation may be your excuse to get out of the relationship. I would not say anything until you’re certain you want out of the previous relationship. Then I would use it.

How has being an accordion player improved your abilities in bed?
Well, my oral skills have definitely improved. [laughs]. I play the claviola.

Is there a type of girl that goes for accordion players?
It’s funny, because I also play theremin. More girls seem to be into the theremin and go, “Oh, that’s sexy” after a show than when I’m playing claviola or accordion. But Josh, whom you’ll be interviewing, has a bright orange accordion that girls are into. I think it’s the color. I don’t know, I think girls just feel sorry for guys who play accordions. Like “this guy plays accordion, he must be a real dork.” And there’s an attractiveness to guys who are dorks. Dork is in.

Hottest non-porn movie to impress a date with?
When Harry Met Sally. It’s the dumbest movie in the world, and there’s nothing pornographic about it. It also shows you have a sensitive side.

What’s the best music for putting you in the mood?
I’d almost say no music is best. NPR puts me in the mood.

Ever incorporate that into a pickup line?
Car Talk is on tonight.” Get a bottle of brandy and Car Talk. It’s better than watching When Harry Met Sally.

Amy, 32

How much masturbation is too much masturbation?
I don’t think there’s too much masturbation, unless it’s interfering with your accordion practice.

What’s a first-date dealbreaker?
If they don’t ask questions. If they’re boring. If we have nothing to talk about. I’m into talking and asking questions. One time, this guy I was with yelled at a cab driver. Total dealbreaker. Yelling at someone or showing anger, that’s a big turnoff. I’m not into it.

What’s the best music for putting you in the mood?
The Rolling Stones’ Exile on Main Street.

I want to get my guy to try anal play because I think he’ll enjoy it but he’s uncomfortable with it. How can I get him to give it a chance?
You can tell him you love his ass, and that it would really turn you on to touch it. Tell him you love it, you want to love it more. Or go to a sex-toy store together, and go, “Ooh, this would really turn me on.” Or be like, “I like this blue one.”

I’m a twenty-five-year-old man and I haven’t had sex in a year. I’ve been thinking about asking my only single, attractive female friend to be my fuck buddy. How could I do this?
Go out with her and flirt. Once you’re alone together, you should be like, “I don’t want anything serious.” I think that’s what I would do. Once it starts to get a little bit heavy, just be like, “We’re not dating, but that was really fun.” If you’re close friends with the person, you could just lay it out.

What’s the best thing anyone has ever done to you in bed?
Just made me feel open — letting me say whatever I want, letting me explore my fantasies, making me feel like I could just be myself. Oh, and letting me dress up for them in whatever turns them on, like heels. Or accordion costumes.

Well, more like dresses.

Joshua, 34
One Ring Zero,

What’s the hottest non-porn movie to impress a date with?
Something classic, romantic and innocuous, like Sound of Music.

That’s hot?
Yeah. I know it’s playing it safe, but that’s just my experience. I also have experience with a DVD of Devo videos.

The girl was a big Devo fan?
Yeah. But if I were to strategically do something, I probably wouldn’t pick that.

What’s a good way to get someone up to your apartment?
If I really wanted to put on the heavy pressure, I could say something like, “I wrote a song for you. Would you like to come up? I can play it for you."

On accordion?
I don’t know if I’d play it on accordion. I might play it on guitar. Accordion may be a little much.

What if the girl was really into accordion?
Then I definitely would. I’ve met a few girls who claimed to be like that. I don’t now if they were saying it just to be eccentric. It’s a little suspicious. I’ve met girls who say, “It makes me week in the knees.” But I don’t quite trust it. I think they’re just trying to be different. My accordion is safety orange. I think that probably helps.

What’s a first-date dealbreaker for you?
“I worked for the Bush campaign.” We had just played somewhere, and there was this really cute bartender. I was talking to her, and it was really going well. Somehow we got on the subject that she was moving to DC to work for a think tank. Then she mentioned she’d worked on the Bush campaign. My interest meter just dropped.

How much masturbation is too much masturbation?
When you prefer to masturbate than actually go out with friends, then you know it’s too much.

So it’s not okay to stay home on a Friday night, and . . .
I’m not saying I haven’t been there myself. But I surely didn’t feel good about it the next day. What was the Tom Waits joke about taking himself out for a date: “Around two o’clock in the evening you’re taking advantage of yourself, there’s no way around that.”

Interviews by Catherine Adcock. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Do you have questions for the general public? Send them to

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