Sex Advice From . . . Actors

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Just as Warhol said that everyone can be famous for fifteen minutes, Nerve believes that anyone can be a sexpert for at least thirty seconds. This is a series in which we ask average citizens — all representatives of a specific walk of life — to school us on various sexual matters.

Caitlin, 19

What are some great sexual role-playing situations?
Oh, here’s a really good one. I like to go to a bar about twenty minutes before my boyfriend shows up. I order drinks and let other guys order me drinks. Then he comes in a half-hour after I do, and he’s playing a different person. And then I’m a different person completely. Sometimes I’ll have a European accent. Sometimes I’m English because I do an English accent really well [adopts a convincing Bridget Jones type accent] We’ll talk, and he’ll buy me drinks for an hour or two. Hopefully we’ll get to have sex in the bathroom.

What are some telltale signs that your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you?
You find them logging onto Friendster and Nerve Personals more often than not.

What’s the most classless thing a guy can do in bed?
Try to slip anal. You know, when you’re grinding with a guy and he tries to sneak his dick in your ass. That’s just a smidge invasive. And it’s happened to me before. It’s like our third date and — wait a minute, I don’t wanna sound like a whore — twelfth date, and all of a sudden something goes up there and I’m like, "Woah, no permission, no entry." Something else that’s classless is when you’re giving head to a guy and . . .

He puts his hands on your head?
Oh, I don’t mind that. That’s like a fantasy thing, like he has the power. He doesn’t, of course — you could bite his dick off — but he thinks you’re being submissive. So where was I? Oh yeah, if you’re giving a guy oral sex and he tries to come in your face. Asking is one thing, but being sneaky about it sucks.


So you’ve forgotten the name of the person that you’ve woken up next to. What do you do?
[laughing] I have the best way to figure this out. I do this with people whose names I’ve forgotten in a social situation. It’s something I learned in fourth grade. You say, "I have a really funny joke for you," and they’re like, "Okay." Then you say, "What’s your name?" and they say, "Joe," and you’re like, "What am I pointing to?" You point to your nose, and they’re like, "nose." Then you show them your palm and say, "What’s in my hand," and they say, "nothing," and then you say, "Joe knows nothing!" Now you know his name. Slick, right?

Under what circumstances is it okay to sleep with somebody to get what you want?
I mean, whatever. Wow, I totally sound like a whore in this interview. But I mean, we?ve all got our thing, and if you’re okay fucking someone to get it, then rock the fuck on.

Name three things everybody should try at least once.
Everyone should try anal sex at least once. I hesitate to say that one first as I’m not really into it. But I think that it?s important because the bum is overlooked, doesn’t get enough credit. I think that everybody should try a threesome once and everybody should try a same-gender experience at least once. I think that doing these things will teach you so much about who you are. You’re either going to like it more or less than you thought you would. And that’s an important thing to know. I’m three for three, by the way.

Jamye, 29

How can a woman improve a man?s oral sex technique?
Rent Nina Hartley’s Guide to Cunnilingus, then sit with your man and say things like, "Oh, I"d like that" or "That wouldn’t feel good." There is not a knack that will work for everyone. From talking to my girlfriends, I know there are things that some people swear by that annoy the hell out of me.

What’s a good way to get a girl in the mood?
I think women are about communication and [uses finger quotes] romance. Also, don’t talk about other relationships. Let the person know that this is the only place in the world you want to be at that moment.

What word should a man never use to refer to your vagina?
Coochie is fine, pussy is fine, cunt is fine. Just stay away from references to any and all marine animals.

What’s the secret to keeping sex alive in a long-term relationship?
Accepting that our sexuality is fluid so, as we grow up, we change our preferences. We are [finger quotes] allowed to change our hair color, our jobs, our friends. If everything about us can change, our attitudes toward what we like sexually can too.

A guy is having trouble getting his girlfriend off. How can he get the job done?
First, he ought not to look at it as a job. It’s not all about orgasm. It’s key to remain relaxed and focused. You wanna bring your girlfriend to orgasm, but that’s not the reason you’re doing this. You’re doing this for pleasure, and it’s supposed to be fun. This is the first hurdle to overcome. Enjoy the moment. There will be less stress about this destination.

What are some do’s and don’ts for making an X-rated home movie?
Do be okay with at least one other person outside of that relationship seeing you in that way, because, well, somebody will. You can count on it. Either years after the fact the person will show a friend or your mom is visiting and pops it in the VCR. Or even worse, suppose that you died and friends and family were sorting through everything that you had. Ha ha ha. Actually that would be a funny last way for them to see you. Maybe every wake should feature a shaky ten-minute movie of you being fucked silly on the dining-room table.

Sean, 19

What’s a good sexual role-playing suggestion?
The most gratifying has to be student-teacher. It could be as simple as an experienced person teaching an inexperienced one. I’ve actually set up a whole classroom scene. But that’s kind of elaborate for most people. Incidentally, I like being the student.

What should you do if your partner starts crying after sex?
First, see if you’ve torn or punctured them in any way. Then you know that their pain is emotional. That’s not to say that makes it any easier to deal with, but at least you won’t have to wait with them in the ER. Then address the problem. Don’t ignore it. Have them walk you through it, offer suggestions and reassurance.

You have an experience with someone who is a terrible lover. They ask “How was it for you?” What do you tell them?
Well, if you’re dating that person, it would behoove you to tell them what’s up. If it’s a one-night stand, it’s more about helping them and their future sexual partners. I’d say something nice at the same time though, applaud their effort at the least. Try to throw in a subtle hint like, “Maybe you shouldn’t be doing that to that area, it really hurts,” or “That happens to be illegal in all fifty states.”

What are some great anal sex tips?
To get it in, think a happy thought and try to relax as best you can. Cleanliness really is right up there with godliness. Third, lubrication. I mean a lot of lube — enough to make sitting on a bar stool a bad idea for fear of swallowing it.

What do you do if a great booty call wants to get serious?
No mixed messages. There’s no nice way to tell someone that they’re a stopgap, and you are settling for them. They’re basically a psychosexual Band-Aid, but who wants to hear that? Just run it up the flagpole and see if he salutes it. Good sex isn’t worth fucking with people’s emotions.

What are some do or don’t for handjobs?
You can’t fuck yourself or blow yourself, but you can masturbate, and you’re probably pretty good at it, so anyone giving you a handjob has a hard act to follow. With that in mind, I think it’s a good idea to get the person to jerk off in front of you. Then, when you take the reins so to speak, get behind them and do it from the same angle they’d do it themselves.

Name three things that people should try at least once.
One: Playing weird music when you are having sex, like some climactic Japanese opera. Two: Having sex outdoors. It’s organic and animalistic. Three: use the food in the fridge, 9 1/2 Weeks-style.

But all I’ve got in my fridge is mustard and a handful of AA batteries.
That will push you to be more creative.

Interviews by Grant Stoddard.

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