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Sex Advice from Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Q: What’s the best reason to date a giant milkshake? A: Telling your friends you had sex with the largest milkshake on television. Instant respect!
By Kelly Bourdet
Do you use your unusually soothing voice to entice the ladies?
Nope. I use my amazing online profile to entice the ladies. I use my unusually soothing voice to explain why I look nothing like my profile pictures, and ask if it's okay if we split the check down the middle on our first and final date.
Do you ever scare women by being too serious and intense during sex? Do you stare directly into their eyes throughout the act? If so, does that work for you?
Eye contact can definitely add to the intensity of the lovemaking experience, and add a level of intimacy that you otherwise cannot achieve with physical contact. Just, please, before you head to the bedroom, do her a favor and take out your laser-shooting contact lenses. If you char someone's eyeballs in the middle of sex, it is bad etiquette to keep going until you reach orgasm, and your partner's incessant screaming may make that impossible anyway.
I think my roommate is masturbating in the shower. Let’s just say he takes a really long time in there and I’ve heard some suspect noises. I’m grossed out by this, but don’t want to broach the awkward topic. How can I bring this up?
Well, don't jump to any conclusions. Buy a standard crime-scene investigation kit and use the blacklight to check for signs of semen. If you find what you suspect is a sample, bag it and send it to a lab. If it comes back positive as semen, invite his parents over for dinner, and present the evidence you have compiled to your roommate in a dramatic courtroom fashion, in front of everyone. Parents and masturbation never mix, and this display is sure to keep him from ever soiling the shower again.
My girlfriend wants me to get my back waxed. I’m super-hairy and she says it’s a turn-off. I say there’s too much pain involved. How can I convince her to let it go?
Disparities in the amount of body hair between you and your lover can be a tough issue to resolve. Try leveling the playing field. Give her full body massages with Rogaine twice a day. Once she is covered with a thick blanket of fur, it will be painfully ironic for her to criticize the meager smattering of man-fuzz on your shoulders.