Q: What’s the best reason to date a giant milkshake? A: Telling your friends you had sex with the largest milkshake on television. Instant respect!
Do you use your unusually soothing voice to entice the ladies?
Nope. I use my amazing online profile to entice the ladies. I use my unusually soothing voice to explain why I look nothing like my profile pictures, and ask if it's okay if we split the check down the middle on our first and final date.
Do you ever scare women by being too serious and intense during sex? Do you stare directly into their eyes throughout the act? If so, does that work for you?
Eye contact can definitely add to the intensity of the lovemaking experience, and add a level of intimacy that you otherwise cannot achieve with physical contact. Just, please, before you head to the bedroom, do her a favor and take out your laser-shooting contact lenses. If you char someone's eyeballs in the middle of sex, it is bad etiquette to keep going until you reach orgasm, and your partner's incessant screaming may make that impossible anyway.
I think my roommate is masturbating in the shower. Let’s just say he takes a really long time in there and I’ve heard some suspect noises. I’m grossed out by this, but don’t want to broach the awkward topic. How can I bring this up?
Well, don't jump to any conclusions. Buy a standard crime-scene investigation kit and use the blacklight to check for signs of semen. If you find what you suspect is a sample, bag it and send it to a lab. If it comes back positive as semen, invite his parents over for dinner, and present the evidence you have compiled to your roommate in a dramatic courtroom fashion, in front of everyone. Parents and masturbation never mix, and this display is sure to keep him from ever soiling the shower again.
My girlfriend wants me to get my back waxed. I’m super-hairy and she says it’s a turn-off. I say there’s too much pain involved. How can I convince her to let it go?
Disparities in the amount of body hair between you and your lover can be a tough issue to resolve. Try leveling the playing field. Give her full body massages with Rogaine twice a day. Once she is covered with a thick blanket of fur, it will be painfully ironic for her to criticize the meager smattering of man-fuzz on your shoulders.
Right now, I spend about $200 a week on prostitutes. How much money is too much? Is there a percentage of your income you'd recommend?
Pal, this is America. Nobody can tell you how much to blow on getting your third leg wet, and I'm sure as hell not gonna rein you in like that. Seriously, don't pin it down to some kind of numbers game. There's nothing more American than finding a crippling addiction and letting it consume your life. Who knows, you might get your own reality show! Think of yourself as one of those dudes on Hoarders, except with vaginas that you've ruined your credit to get.
My girlfriend is taking me to a Journey concert for my birthday. The only thing that would make it a better night would be if I could figure out a way to get laid while I was there. Have you ever had sex at a Journey concert? Any advice?
When I've attended Journey concerts, or any concerts for that matter, it's always been about one thing: watching for jug flashers. But, when you bring a date and you're obviously scouring the crowd for fun-bags, she's probably gonna think you're a pig and not bang you. Unless… she's too wasted to notice what you're doing! GET HER TANKED. Hell, she might show her own melons, in the spirit of things. But listen, don't get all weird and all possessive if she does. The roar of the crowd seeing those tatas will make her self-esteem go through the roof! That's when you make your move. Take her into the nearest Porta-John and tap that ass to "Don't Stop Believing!"
I met this girl on Halloween (in costume) and we really vibed so I asked her out. Problem is, when she showed up for the date she looked like a character from Jersey Shore: big hair, too much make up, stupid shiny clothes. Now it’s been a couple dates, but I'm a bit uncomfortable with her in public. Is that something you can get over, or should I just cut and run now?
What the hell is wrong with you, pal? You've pretty much described the physical appearance of the perfect woman. My sperm count went up fifty points just reading it! Look, if you wanna be with some chick that dresses like a Mormon kindergarten teacher and tells you to read books or something, I guess you better let this one go. If you want a handjob while you're watching Knight and Day at the dollar theater with a sack of White Castles, stick with your Jersey Princess. I know what I would do.
Am I obligated to change the sheets between between one-night stands?
Never change those sheets after a conquest. Those rough, crusty patches are a written testament to your prowess in the bedroom, and they'll provide traction for crazy sex positions. A finely shellacked set of bedsheets tells a woman, "I don't give a crap about you, now bend over!" without saying a word. It'll drive her crazy!
What’s the best thing about having sex with a giant milkshake?
Oh, where do I start? For one thing, I'm not very flexible, so this gives us time to enjoy the same two sex positions over and over for four minutes straight. I'll also sign copies of my headshot if she goes to the trouble of finding it online and printing it on some photo paper for me. And there's always the glory of telling your friends that you had sex with the largest milkshake on television! Imagine that on your tweeter account. Instant respect!
My girlfriend has put on a bit of weight since we started dating. I still love her but I’m not sexually attracted to her anymore. Is there a nice way to let her know, or am I just a bad person?
It's best to be honest with fat people. Because of their lack of discipline, they need to be reminded to exercise by those with naturally hot bodies like ours. Blindfold her, and tell her you guys are going to her favorite, fatty restaurant. Instead, you drop her off at a gym with a note outlining your problems with her body. She can work on sculpting those areas you find most hideous. This should be enough motivation for her to get back into shape, right then and there!
Shake, without a bedroom you must have to watch your pornography in the living room. Is there a good way to watch porn and still avoid freaking out your roommates?
You really don't need your own bedroom to watch pornos of any kind. I march down to Frylock's room, lock the door, and turn on his computer. Abracadabra, I have all the privacy I need! I don't even have to clean up after myself, because it's not my room. And he knows better than to lock me out of there, because I'll either break the door down, or pleasure myself in the living room for everyone to see. It's hard to win against me.
Shake, I am very well-endowed — a plight I believe we share. I need to figure out how to get creative in the bedroom to avoid causing my partner pain? Any tips?
You're right, brother. It is so embarrassing when a girl tells me how big my schlong is. They say things like, "Why don't you go whip some cattle with that thing, because I'm not touching it." You know what? They're right. But I shouldn't have to apologize for having a gigantic wiener. That's why I started a Big Penis Club that meets three times a week to go watch movies, play Call of Duty, and just generally hang out and try to forget about having sex. Oh, the terrible irony of having a monstrous wang!