Advice

Sex Advice From Australian Rockers

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"We'd probably be better in bed if we had beds."

Alexander Gow, Oh Mercy

What makes an Aussie rocker good in bed?
Well, they'd be better if they had beds. I don't know any Australian musician who's got enough money or is in any one place for long enough to own a bed. I sure haven't. We're probably not very good in bed because, if we had a bed, we would be out of our comfort zone. Maybe a flimsy mattress on the ground or something would be more like our environment.

What's the best way to ask out an Australian musician?
Tell him you're a scientist or something and that you don't listen to the radio. The last thing I want to hear is another opinion about music. I mean that; I'm sticking by it! There's nothing more attractive than a woman who doesn't give a shit about your career and is intelligent in some other field.

What are your groupies like?
They're nonexistent. They're all neuroscientists and they have degrees and things like that. Things we don't have.

From your touring experience, which city or cities have the hottest people?
I'd have to say right here in New York.

You're not just buttering us up?
No. Every time I come here, I'm just shocked. You swear you've seen the height of beauty in a woman, and then the next woman just tops it a little bit. Especially because of all the different cultures. So-and-so from somewhere made love with so-and-so from somewhere else, and their kids are the most unbelievable, unique things. We don't really have that as much in Australia.

If Oh Mercy were a sex position, what would it look like? 
It's probably the guy on Skype asking his girlfriend to undress for him.

My boyfriend of one year recently told me that he used to hook up with guys back in college. I didn't think it would bother me, but this is a serious relationship and it turns out his past is an issue for me. How do we make it work?
If it's a problem, then just go out with someone else. I'm not here to judge. If it's a problem for that person and she's tried to ignore it, then she should probably try to make herself happy before trying to fix someone. If you're a young person — if you're any kind of person — I would advise making yourself happy before trying to repair something that isn't working. Because otherwise it's not very good for your sanity or your pride.

My ex-girlfriend and I had a messy breakup almost a year ago. I feel like enough time has passed that maybe we can be friends now. How do I go about initiating a friendship with my ex?
Talk to her. Use normal life skills. If you have a problem with that, then I don't understand how you walk down the street and order a coffee. It's like, talk to her. Ask her to meet you.

This guy that I've been seeing seems really great: smart, funny, and ambitious. The thing is, he always drinks when we go out, and he drinks a lot. What should I do?
I think I'm that guy. That's a tough one. I'm probably not the one to ask; Australians drink a lot in general. But I can understand how that would be a problem. I figure if his drinking is not a problem — like, if he doesn't get abusive or argumentative or just awful to be around — if you like him, then forget about it.

I recently lost my job, and I moved back in with my parents. How do I keep up my admittedly "liberal" love life while living with Mom and Dad?
You'll just have to go back to their house. Or hook up in front of a church or wherever's good.

Where's the weirdest place you've had sex?
In front of a church.

Jo Syme and Tom Iansek, Big Scary

What makes an Aussie rocker good in bed?
Jo: Because you can put on AC/DC and shake me all night long. Oh man, worst Aussie band reference ever!

Or Olivia Newton-John, "Let's Get Physical."
Jo: Yeah, she's our pride and joy. And now she's on those ads for memory games to stop yourself from going senile. That's probably only in Australia; she still has some currency.

What's the best way to ask out an Australian musician?
Tom: Maybe start with, "Ooh, I love your accent." Maybe not so direct. Maybe don't ask to go out for a drink. Maybe be more subtle about it; that could work pretty well.
Jo: I actually disagree. I think direct is good because then you know either way. Straight to the point.
Tom: I guess that's very different. I like it when there's a bit more mystery to it all. When you're not quite sure, that's what makes it fun.
Jo: Mystery is good if it turns out well.

Make a sweeping generalization about what it would be like to date an Australian musician.
Jo: It probably sucks because they'll be away most weekends.
Tom: On a more serious note, I think we Australian rock stars aren't the same caliber as, say, American rock stars. Because Australia's so much smaller, you know? We just sort of have jobs and study and whatever back at home.

So you have a day job back in Australia? What do you guys do?
Tom: We both work, yeah. I run corporate events.
Jo: And he's a male prostitute. [laughs] I'm a waitress.

If Big Scary were a sex position, what would it look like?
Jo: Well, we're a boy and a girl — there's a start! We couldn't even try to claim one of the wild ones.
Tom: It would be something kind of mild and comfortable. Nothing too acrobatic.
Jo: Between missionary and reverse cowgirl. Somewhere safely in between.

My ex-girlfriend and I had a messy breakup almost a year ago. I feel like enough time has passed that maybe we can be friends now. How do I go about initiating a friendship with my ex?
Jo: Oh man, I'm the expert at this. I just go straight for friendship too often. Wait until you're in love with someone else and then do it. Otherwise, you'll think you still like her.

Would both of you have to be in other relationships?
Jo: No, just you, so that you're okay with it.
Tom: Give it a good amount of time.
Jo: A year's good.
Tom: I think both parties being in other relationships helps.

I recently lost my job, and I moved back in with my parents. How do I keep up my admittedly "liberal" love life while living with Mom and Dad?
Tom: Be secretive. You've got to respect the parental nest. So if that's what you want to do, I'd try to keep it on the down low as much as you can. But be creative about it. Get to know your upstairs windows and fire exits.

Jeremy Marou and Thomas Busby, Busby Marou

What makes an Aussie rocker good in bed?
Jeremy: We're more charming. I'm an extremely good guitarist and am very good with my fingers.

What's the best way to ask out an Australian musician?
Thomas: Tell them that you play piano, and you'd like them to sing to you at your house. 
Jeremy: That's so romantic of you, Tom. I'd say, tell them you play guitar or you're a singer and that you want to sing them some songs.

Make a sweeping generalization about what it would be like to date an Australian musician.
Thomas: You'd be probably lonely because we're traveling consistently and are a long way away from home. Nevertheless, you'd be treated like a queen if you were dating one of us. That's true, isn't it, Jeremy?
Jeremy: Well, if you were dating our drummer, you would not be a queen; you would be a concubine!

What are your groupies like?
Thomas: In Australia, we've got a broad range of fans. How do I describe it? In Australia, we call them "ABC listeners" — very conservative listeners — and young girls and boys who just want to party. It's a broad range. It makes it pretty fun for us, during and after the gig.

From your touring experience, which city or cities have the hottest people?
Thomas: That is an excellent question! Austin was pretty good, wasn't it?
Jeremy: Yeah… It depends what you're into.
Thomas: We were there in Austin for SXSW, and there were very beautiful women there of all types.
Jeremy: I like a bit of booty, and there was booty. I'll tell you where they're not the best: it's a place called Dubbo, in Australia. It's a little country town where you don't want to go. [laughs]

If Busby Marou were a sex position, what would it look like?
Thomas: Three minutes of pleasure. [laughs] We'd be lazy. Missionary.

This guy that I've been seeing seems really great: smart, funny, and ambitious. The thing is, he always drinks when we go out, and he drinks a lot. What should I do?
Thomas: Well, I don't want to be a hypocrite! [laughs] I think you'd have to tell him straight — "I don't like it when you drink too much" — and see how he handles it. If he cooperates, then he could be the real deal. If he doesn't, then he's probably going to be part of the Busby Marou band.