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Sex Advice From . . . Beekeepers

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Jordan, 37
www.hive-mind.com/bee/blog

How can becoming a beekeeper make me a better lover?
Over years of working with bees, you start to learn their sensitivities. If you try to open the hive directly from the front, it makes them angry. Instead, stand off to the side a bit, give them some room and let them grow comfortable with your presence over time.

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What can bees teach us about relationships?
In a beehive, all the work is done by the females. Laying and carrying for the young, gathering the pollen and nectar, building and guarding the hive — all these functions are performed entirely by the girls. The males perform only one function: reproduction.

My boyfriend smokes a lot of pot, which lowers his sex drive. How can I convince him to smoke less?
Ask him if it would turn him on to watch you have sex with one of his friends who doesn’t smoke so much weed.

How can I ask my lover if she has any STDs without offending her?
Honesty is best taught as a demonstration. Tell her your own health history, emphasize how important it is that she know, then ask her to share hers.

What’s an automatic dealbreaker in the bedroom?
“Hurry, my husband will be home soon.”

My boyfriend and I placed an online ad as a couple looking for a third. Now we’ve got one coming over tonight. What’s the best way to break the ice?
Strip Scrabble.

What’s the best position for outdoor sex? And where?
Nobody likes brambles and stones grinding into their bareness, so I’d recommend standing front-to-back with the woman leaning forward from the waist. This also has the advantage of allowing her to pretend to have lost a contact should someone surprise you in the act.

What’s your favorite pickup line?
“Wanna make out?” Seriously, you’d be surprised.

Alyssa, 37

What’s the best beekeeping tool to bring into the bedroom?
Spray bottle with sugar-water.

I recently fantasized about another man while having sex with my boyfriend. Now I can’t stop. As long as he’s happy, is this cheating?
Fantasies are incredibly important. Nothing will keep your sex life alive like sharing your fantasies with each other. Most people are kinkier than we think, and the freedom to explore that together is key to having a happy sex life. In general, women get hot in their heads, so it’s incredibly common to have fantasies before, during and after sex. Not a big deal, unless you’re masking discontent in your relationship — that you need to deal with.

How can becoming a beekeeper improve my sex life?
You can spoon-feed your guest a fresh taste from your hive and wipe away the drip with your finger. Then you can sample it too, and lick your lips while moaning with delight. If you can’t make beekeeping hot, you have problems.

What can bees teach us about dating?
You have to be gentle and patient to be a beekeeper, but you also have to not mind getting stung and not being in control. Beekeepers “top” from the bottom.

My boyfriend’s come tastes horrible. Is there anything he can do to make it taste better? Or anything I can do to deal with it?
Pot makes it taste like Clorox, so cut that out. Asparagus makes everything stink and taste skanky, so no asparagus on date night. And, as it turns out, a bunch of us just had a very active dialogue about this, which resulted in the following recipe:

Super Spunk Smoothie
1 cup pineapple, fresh or canned
1 banana, frozen
1 cup apple juice
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 tbs honey

What’s an automatic dealbreaker in the bedroom?
Lying. And banana-hammocks.

What’s the best way to pick up a beekeeper?
With adequate protection.


Sharon, 32
www.birdchick.com

What’s the secret to seducing someone you’re “just friends” with?
Wait until they’re breaking up with someone, and be very attentive. If that doesn’t work, get them incredibly drunk and tell them you’re a virgin and have always wanted to have sex to see what it’s like. If that ship has sailed, tell them that no one has ever given you the big O and maybe it’s because you can’t be as comfortable or open with anyone but them. That one works every time.

One night I fantasized about another man while having sex with my boyfriend. Now I can’t stop. As long as he’s happy, is this cheating?
I wouldn’t sweat it too much, chances are he’s thinking about your friends during sex. Be sure to practice calling your boyfriend’s name or a generic pet name during climax. Calling out another guy’s name is a mood killer. Calling out another girl’s name, however, can lay the groundwork for a second round.

What’s the best beekeeper tool to bring into the bedroom?
The entrance reducer. Apart from the obvious, it can also be used for spanking and, with proper lubrication and position, as a phallus.

What’s the best way to pick up a beekeeper?
Tell them you have a swarm in your oak tree and ask if they’d like to come over and smoke it.

How can I ask my new lover if she has any STDs without offending her?
In this day and age, it’s just a matter of respect to make sure both parties are healthy before engaging in sex. I like to schedule a VD test as part of a second date. You guys do it together and you both have the records before proceeding to the ever-important third date.

How can becoming a beekeeper improve my sex life?
You learn how to keep all your bitches in line.


Pete, 26

I want to get off the pill, but my boyfriend is opposed to going back to condoms. How can we reconcile this?
Have your boyfriend get fixed. That’s what I did. I just had a vasectomy this year. I’ve got three kids and I’m sticking with three.

How can I ask my new lover if she has any STDs without offending her?
When I was in that position, I certainly didn’t beat around the bush. I honestly just asked her if she’d ever had any type of disease or any type of illness that I should know about. It’s not like I’m going to have her sign a form saying, “I’m disease free.” But that’s my policy. With that type of stuff you don’t want to mess around.

What beekeeping tool could be useful in the bedroom?
A cappings scratcher. It’s like a comb, but it’s made of metal. It’s made to scratch the top coating off the wax so you can extract the honey. A capping scratcher would work well on someone’s back. It would definitely leave a mark.

What’s an automatic dealbreaker in the bedroom?
I don’t know if all guys feel like this, but after sex I don’t really like to cuddle. My wife wants to cuddle, and I don’t like to. I’d really rather take a nap, or you know, sit at the computer.

Can becoming a beekeeper get me laid?
I’ll just say this: In our beekeeping organization there are about 150 of us, and 92% are over sixty.
 

Interviews by Nicole Ankowski. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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