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Sex Advice From Bike Jousters

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"Silken," 29
Is it possible to transition from a one-night stand into normal friendship?
In my experience I’ve never seen that happen, but I don’t have too many one-night stands. I have a hard time believing that men and women can have sex and then just be friends. You cross a boundary.

Six months ago, a friend of mine moved to a new city and immediately fell for a guy. She’d been sending me blissed out emails about their relationship, but something didn’t seem right about her story. Yesterday, she admitted her “best relationship ever” rarely involves sex. I think this bodes poorly for the relationship. What would you tell her?
I think a healthy sex life is the most important part of a relationship. When you have a really healthy sex life, it’s because the two people are just really into each other. If there are a lot of problems in bed, maybe one person just isn’t as into the relationship as the other one is.


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What should I include in an online personal ad and what should I leave out?
You might want to try to be funny or self-effacing, but hold back. I have a friend who treats his personal ad as a joke, but seems to want it to work anyway. His last personal ad read “Basement Troll Fears Dying Alone.” He obviously made it up to be funny. I think he got one response.

My boyfriend and I rarely have time to ourselves. Any ideas for quickies?
I think part of the answer is that you have to make the time. That might mean that one or both of you take a hit for the team and get six hours of sleep instead of eight. Quickies before you go to bed or when you’re on your way out the door, in my experience, don’t work. It’s mechanical, it gets old fast. And on common days off, you have to be as committed as possible to spending time together.

"Darko," 30

Bicycle jousters are very do-it-yourself. Any tips for how I can do it for myself and my girlfriend?
I think bicycle inner tubes are among the most underappreciated sexual items. They’re really good for tying someone’s wrists. You could probably make a little skirt or a mask out of inner tubes. And the bike jouster’s No. 1 tool is duct tape. Being handy with a roll of duct tape is as sexy as it gets.

I’m openly gay and dating someone who isn’t out yet. How long is too long to stay with someone who’s in the closet?
I would be particularly sensitive to what coming out means to that person. People are in the closet for all sorts of different reasons. I think one should wait until it becomes a real strain on the relationship. Once it becomes a strain, then something’s got to be done.

I’m dating this guy, and we’ve been exclusive for a couple of months. Recently, I snooped into his e-mail and found a two-week-old message he had written to a woman, telling her he had to stop seeing her because now he’s in a monogamous relationship (with me). I’m livid. Even though he broke off the fling, I feel he should have done it the moment we became a monogamous couple. Is my anger unjustified? Should I simply be glad he broke it off, even if somewhat late? Should I bring it up?
Sure, bring it up, as long as you bring it up in a way that is not destructive. Something like, “Listen, I have to be honest with you. I looked at your email. You should have told me, it would have been better.” But I also think you should calm down. Some therapists will tell you to be really open, but I think self-restraint is a good thing, too. It’s good practice to be the bigger person in this sort of situation and just roll with it. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

A straight friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend and has been hinting that she wants to mess around with me. I know she’s not a lesbian. I also know this is a limited time offer. Should I get what I want while it’s on the rack or pass it up to avoid awkwardness later?
I would say go for it. The harm you can do is reasonably minimal, and there’s too little sex going on in general. If it’s out there for the taking, you should take it.

"99," 29
My boyfriend wants to watch me masturbate with my vibrator. This is great, because he’s usually a bit sexually reticent. But I tend to come faster and louder when I’m working alone. I’m concerned that he’ll be intimidated by this. I don’t want to make him crawl back into his shell. Should I not do this in front of him?
He’s curious and that sounds hot. Just take it down a notch. Get him involved. If he’s doing something too, he’ll think he’s the one responsible for all that thunder.

Is it possible to start an open relationship with someone you’ve previously had an exclusive relationship with? What’s the best way to approach the topic?
You should read The Ethical Slut or The Polyamory Reader. I’ve got to turn to the experts on this one because that’s very dangerous territory.

What should I include in an online personal ad?
A great photo. It should look flattering, but accidentally so. It should clearly have been taken by a friend when you were outside, on the go, and you just happened to be in really good lighting and perspective.

What’s the subtlest way to find out which of my friends I made out with while drunk?
Next time you see them, give each of them a hug and gauge their body language. Are they uncomfortable? Do they feel familiar?

"Spider-Man," 29
How can you pick someone up when they’re on a date with someone else?
A lot of eye contact, a lot of nodding and lip movement, a lot of waving with the tips of your fingers . . .

Is there a way I can gracefully recover from calling my partner by someone else’s name while we’re in bed?
If you don’t finish the name as you’re calling it out and you turn it into a sentence that’s about something else, like the weather: “Oh Sannn—’s gonna be a hot one tomorrow!”

How can I become sexually adventurous without looking like a total slut?
It’s not so much about your physical appearance, it’s about the attitude. As in jousting, you want to approach it slowly. You want to warm up with a few laps, so when the games really begin you seem like you’re ready to go.

What are the ideal grooming standards as far as pubic hair is concerned?
Shave and trim.

Is it gender-specific? I find a lot of dudes say, “Shave for her, trim for me.”
The opposite — the guy should shave and she should trim.  

Interviews by Kate Sullivan. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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