Sex Advice From Bike Messengers

By Sam Paul

Joseph Gordon-Levitt's new movie, Premium Rush, sets a high-stakes game of political intrigue in the streets of New York City with bike messengers as the players. To commemorate JGL's steely calf muscles, we're taking it to the streets and asking bike messengers what about their jobs makes them so irresistible.

CJ, 22

What's the best reason to date a bike messenger?
You'll make a lot of friends really quickly. If you date your stereotypical bike messenger who’s involved in the scene, they'll take you out, and you can proceed to take care of them because they'll get blackout drunk by two p.m. Also, everyone has a lot of character and personality.

My boyfriend doesn't ride a bike, but I ride everywhere. I think he may be afraid. I'd be willing to teach him, but I'm tired of saying, "meet you there." How do I get him mobile without embarrassing him?
A) Stop giving him blowjobs. And, B) tell him to stop being a pussy. If the girl's going to ride a bike, so is the boy. So, tell him to take the thumb out of his asshole and get on a fucking bike, you asshole. Fuck you. I already hate you.

My boyfriend drinks too much. I used to go round for round with him, but recently, I've been trying to cut back. Now, going to the bar is boring. Do I have to ask him to give up beer in order for this to work?
Yes, absolutely. It's a failed attempt. You picked up a loser.

I don't like going down on my girlfriend, but she's really into it. Everything else is going great; is it fair for her to break things off because I don't do oral?
Yes. Sometimes you get yourself into a sticky situation. If you don't want to go down on home girl, then you're not going to have a good time. Sorry, pal.

I've been seeing this guy casually for a few weeks and I think I really like him. He just let me know that he has genital herpes. I appreciate his honesty, but I don't want to get infected. Is it fair to break up with someone because of a medical condition?
It’s fair. Herpes is pretty gross. I read this in a book, but STDs aren't cool, bottom line.

I met a guy at a party and we've hung out a few times. He's cute, but he has awful breath. We have a lot in common, but I can't stand him breathing on me. Is there a way to tell him without ending the whole thing?
Push him off of a bridge, because good dental care is very important. I once ditched a girl because she had plaque in her teeth and it looked like she clearly hadn't brushed for weeks. Needless to say, I never called her again. She moved back to Portland.

My boyfriend has a dog so he insists I stay at his house when we spend the night together, but he refuses to buy an air conditioner. I have one in my room and don’t want to share his sweaty bed. Is it fair to tell him we'll just have to sleep separately this summer if he won't give in?
Perhaps you can bring the dog to your house? Is that so much of an issue? Are you a crazy cat woman? Bring the dog over to his house or bring the AC to his. You want to get laid, he wants to get laid — you’ve got to pet the dog.

NEXT: "People get kind of cheesily star-struck and try to ask you weird shit about it..."


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