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Sex Advice From… Bouncers

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Warhol said that everyone can be famous for fifteen minutes. Nerve believes anyone can be a sexpert for at least thirty seconds. In this series, we ask a certain segment of the population to school us on various sexual matters. This week: the bar bouncers of Austin, Texas, interviewed during the 2004 South by Southwest music festival.

Ron, 42

You took someone home from the bar and now the beer goggles have worn off. How do you get them to leave?
Tell them to leave, straight up. Quick and easy.

What’s the biggest mistake a woman can make in bed?
If a woman knows she has boundaries, and she knows alcohol or substances will hinder those boundaries, then the No. 1 mistake would be to get drunk and high or whatever causes her not to respect her boundaries. Once they do that, they look for a place to put the blame. That turns into trouble every time.

What’s the biggest mistake a man can make in bed?
Going to bed with a woman who’s drunk or high. If you weren’t already there before the intoxication began, you’ve got trouble when you wake up.

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What should never be said in the bedroom?
It should be a long time before anybody says they love anybody.

When telling your partner about past sexual encounters, is complete honesty the best policy?
Absolutely. Tell them everything you’ve ever done, regardless of what they might think about it. In this day and age, you owe it to everyone you’re with to be extremely upfront.

How do you coax your friends into group sex?
Straight-up invitation. I’ve claimed polyamory for several years now. I’ve lived the lifestyle. That’s absolutely the best way to go.

And they all know about each other?
Yes. Once again, honesty is the best policy.

What does polyamory mean to you?
It’s a very specific term that means being able to love more than one person at a time. When you’re as old as I am and you’ve been rocking and rolling as long as I have . . . Well, I’ve been married nine times. I’ve bought into the theory that you should marry somebody and stay with them. I’m not that way by nature, so by telling someone upfront I’m not that way I don’t have to lie to them. By being honest and upfront, you encounter a more open group of people who want to be the same way. You get more of what you want and less of what you don’t want.

Andrew, 31

Have you ever dressed up during sex? What costumes or accessories should be avoided?
Yeah, I have. I think it’s fun, but if you’re a hairy man, stay away from latex.

What’s the trick to good anal sex?
Lots of lubrication, and steady and slow. Listen to your partner. Theoretically, you should be aware if she’s tense. I mean, your dick’s in her ass. It’s a pretty good barometer whether she’s enjoying it. If she’s not, you have to slow down and let her take a breath. My advice to women is to rear back. Relax and push back. I’ve noticed that when you push back, it seem to open the sphincter a little more.

When telling partners about past sexual encounters, is honesty the best policy?
Editing is the best policy. Every girl says she wants to hear the truth. But as soon as she hears the truth, she’s going to get mad at you. If you had sex with someone she knows, just say you had sex with somebody but never mention the name. Don’t offer more information than they ask for. Then, leave it the fuck alone. Many women have told me I’m wrong about this, by the way.

If a woman tells you how many guys she’s been with, do you believe her? Or do you work some crazy math on the number?
Generally, I don’t really want to know. If she’s had sex with five guys at a time then it’s like, “Cool, now we can have full-on dirty porno sex, but I’m never going to call you again.” I know it’s hypocritical. But if I care about her, I still want to believe she’s nice and pure. So I don’t really ask.

The best technique to prevent premature ejaculation?
When I first started having sex, I used the start-stop routine. I’d get to the point where I wanted to come, but I’d stop mid-stroke and take a deep breath. Ironically, my girlfriend at the time found it sexy. She thought I was teasing her.

Jesse, 29

How can you tell if someone is lying about their age?
The body language. They’re nervous, their hands are shaky.

What should never be said in the bedroom?
“I love you.” (laughs) Also, “Did you fart?”

I have a crush on my coworker. How can I show I’m interested in him without weirding him out?
Just go up to him, and ask for his number. Ask him his interests. See if you have something in common. Just talk to him, try to hang out with him.

What should never be worn during sex?
Anything with spikes.

What’s the best technique to prevent premature ejaculation?
Try to knock one out manually before.

How do you coax your friends into group sex?
Just ask them. Usually they go along with it.

Does working at a bar make that difficult?
Sort of. There’s the stereotype that working in a bar you get a lot of chicks. It’s not necessarily true. It depends on the individual. A lot of people don’t trust us. 

Interviews by Alison M. Rosen.

Sex Advice From… appears Thursdays. Click here for previous editions.

Do you have sex-advice questions for manicurists, cheerleaders, peep-show customers, fraternity or sorority members, doormen, first-grade teachers, or any other members of the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

©2004 Nerve.com, Inc.