Advice

Sex Advice From Butchers

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Laurence aka Larbo, 48
www.thislittlepiggy.us

Has being a butcher changed the way you look at the human body, and if so, how?
Absolutely. If you are engaged with what you are doing with your whole being — head, heart, and hands — your thinking will change the way you work and your work will change the way you think. Working with meat demystifies the human body. So much of our culture is devoted to selling fantasies about our bodies and about sex. As a result, much of life can seem pretty disappointing simply because it fails to live up to the script running in our head twenty-four-seven. Knowing exactly where your meat comes from help keeps you grounded in the actual, physical, tangible realities of meat. In the slaughterhouse, nothing is airbrushed.

larbo

I like this girl and she likes me. But the chemistry we have online doesn’t really transfer to real life — it’s like pulling teeth. It’s obvious she’s shy, but I’ve been patient long enough and am starting to get annoyed. What should be my next step?
If it feels like pulling teeth, stop pulling! It probably hurts her as much as it hurts you. Some people just have an easier time revealing themselves when that other person isn’t there, in front of them, pulling their teeth. If you like what you’re learning about her through IM, Facebook, or other forms of communication, then pursue it. If she clams up when you get face-to-face, then do something else that doesn’t involve so much talking — like kissing, dancing, strolling arm in arm.

I’m very choosy when it comes to potential serious relationships. That being said, I feel lonely sometimes. Should I stop being so choosy and finally branch out?
When you’re talking about “serious relationships,” you’re talking about someone with whom you might share the rest of your life. “Choosy” is good here. If that leaves you feeling lonely, then yes, by all means branch out and make a range of friends: drinking buddies, someone to go to movies, concerts, or plays with, a dance partner, a book group, a softball team, a panty slave — whatever it takes to make your life full.

My girlfriend can’t keep her hands off my ass while we’re having sex. I’m okay with it, but recently she mentioned assplay, which I’m not okay with. Sex is very important to us as a couple, so how can I tell her without risking a breakup?
Instead of slamming the door and telling your girlfriend this is off limits, explore why it makes you so uncomfortable. And while you’re on this subject, initiate a conversation with her about why she’s so keen on it. You could both learn a lot about each other from this, including, possibly, that you aren’t as compatible as you thought.

Until now, I required my men to be beefy, hairy pillars of masculinity. Recently I started a wonderful relationship with a man I’m loving more and more who is none of those things, but sometimes I find myself wishing he was more my type. Is there something I can do about this? Am I wrong for secretly wanting a prototypical man?
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who does not match your ideal and you’re loving him more and more, this is a perfect opportunity to turn a critical eye on the standards you’ve blindly accepted and imposed until now, learn a little bit about yourself, and grow as a person. Whatever you do, forget about changing the guy you love into the guy you think he ought to be. Ain’t no surer way to turn him off than that, sweetheart.

Tom, 33
http://www.thebrooklynkitchen.com/

Has being a butcher changed the way you look at the human body, and if so, how?
I definitely look at everyone and everything like I’m judging a steer on the hoof. Remember that you want an animal that has a shiny coat, has good conformation and isn’t too skinny. Skinny animals have bad genetics and taste gamey.

Have you ever thought about sex while you’re handling meat?
That was the thing that totally freaked me out when I first started cutting, I couldn’t stop thinking about sex while I was handling the meat! The smell and texture of good beef definitely will make you think of more carnal things. I also catch myself thinking about women’s cabooses when I look at the ham of a hanging pig. What can you do?tom

What’s the best way to pick up a butcher?
Order something really cool and interesting like marrowbones and some flatiron steaks and then invite them over for dinner so they can “show you how to cook it.” Works more often than you might guess.

My boyfriend and I both love going to the movies, but all he ever wants to see is bloody horror and action flicks, which I secretly despise. How do we reach a compromise without my hurting his feelings or wasting any more of our money?
Why compromise? You see the movies you know he’s going to hate with your friends, and he can see the really disgusting torture-porn horror movies with his creepy friends. Then you can agree on going to movies that you’ll both at least not actively hate. If you can’t solve something as small as what movie you’re going to see together, I don’t think you’re going to fare very well when a more serious conflict comes up.

I love the girl I’m seeing now, but she refuses to shave her pit hair. I’m not into the idea of my girl having as much pit hair as I do. What can I do?
Ask her why she’s growing her pits out. Talk to her about it. One of you might change the other’s mind about it. If she won’t shave them after that, then all you can do is watch sexy French movies and see if you can reeducate yourself.

My girlfriend can’t keep her hands off my ass while we’re having sex. I’m okay with it, but recently she mentioned possible assplay, which I’m not okay with. Sex is very important to us as a couple, so how can I break this out to her without risking a possible breakup?
Don’t take this whole assplay thing so seriously! Just tell her that you’re not into it. When I moved to New York six years ago, it seemed like every girl I dated had nipple rings and tried to stick their finger in my butt, and I was like, “Hey, stop that!” It never seemed to affect our sex life negatively, which makes me think that an editor at a woman’s magazine was playing a prank on the males of the species by including it in one of those, “Things that will drive him wild in bed!” things.

Until now, I required my men to be beefy, hairy pillars of masculinity. Recently I started a wonderful relationship with a man I’m loving more and more who is none of those things, but sometimes I find myself wishing he was more my type. Is there something I can do about this? Am I wrong for secretly wanting a prototypical man?
You’re not wrong. Dating skinny, wuss-core guys is lame. The fact that you chose the words, “I’m loving more and more,” makes me think that you’re talking yourself into it. You know your type, so go for it. If you don’t, you’re just going to end up cheating on this breadstick because you want to get tossed around and treated like a lady by someone who weighs more than you do.

Dino, 29

Has being a butcher changed the way you look at the human body, and if so, how?
Absolutely. Even though as a butcher you cut and prepare different meats, the flesh you’re handling is as red as your own. We’re all animals, after all; we just happen to be on top of the food chain. So I do see the human body with a meat man’s eye sometimes. Especially when I look at myself, I can see some parts, like my li’l love handles, and imagine them on the cutting board for me to trim and shave off, just like that. If only it were that easy, and not as disturbing and suicidal as it would be in real life.

What’s the best way to pick up a butcher?
To answer this, I’ll tell a quick story. There was this woman who came to my shop one day, as cute and short and skinny as a fairy. She looked like she’d sooner be in the vegan aisle of a Whole Foods than my butcher shop, but here she was, asking for a beef sirloin tip. I asked if this was for a dinner party. She said no; she had just finished a really good day at work and wanted to treat herself by having a whole roast sirloin to herself for dinner. I was shocked, and I fell for her that minute. That was about a year ago, and we’re still boyfriend and girlfriend. So I guess the best way to pick up a butcher is to show that you’ve got a real meat tooth, in spite of everything else.

As the old saying goes, “The way to the heart is through the stomach.” How would you put this bit of wisdom into practice?
I think that saying’s true when you keep your meal simple but decadent. Case in point — a full rack of barbecue ribs and a six-pack of your finest beer. A meal like that — nothing complicated, nothing fancy — gives you that warm feeling you get when you want to cuddle with the person you just had exhausting, nasty, but awesome sex with.dino

Does love always have to be a messy, if not sometimes bloody, affair?
Oh yeah. Not literally, of course, unless if we’re talking about a sadomasochistic couple. I think much of the hurt and trouble that comes with love is the result of brutal honesty. Some of the things your lover says you may not like, and some of the things you do might cause some fights between you two, but if you both really love and care for each other, you come to learn and work with each other’s faults, however much of a wrench they are in the relationship.

Five months ago I met the perfect girl. We’ve been exclusive ever since, but she just got transferred to a new job in another state. We don’t have the money to see each other often. How can I make our relationship work?
I don’t think it can work under the circumstances. She’s got a new job in another state, and you’ve already got one where you are; in these times, you’ve got to do what you got to do to hold your own. If she is the perfect girl for you, and you her perfect man, you will both have to make an arrangement so that you can see other people in the meantime, while trying to fix up a reunion in the end. This may sound a bit idealistic, and it is; if too much time goes by, it’s likely the both of you will grow out of the relationship and move on.

I got drunk and made out with a good friend. It was great, but now she’s calling and texting me all the time. I don’t want a relationship with her, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. What should I say or do?
You might have made a big mistake there. She must have been crushing on you for a while, and now she sees that a relationship is possible with the good friend she always wanted as a boyfriend. I think your friendship can still be saved once you tell her the truth, which is what you should really do if you’re any friend to her at all. Just don’t expect the friendship to be as good as it once was. You’ll be lucky enough as it is if she’ll still keep in touch with you, because stuff like this is hard and painful, with more failures than successes.