Advice

Sex Advice from . . . Cat People

Pin it
 REGULARS
Sex advice...

  Send to a Friend
  Printer Friendly Format
  Leave Feedback
  Read Feedback
  Nerve RSS

Arija, 25
www.lolsecretz.com

I’m allergic to cats, and my boyfriend loves them. He says he’ll get rid of them when we move in together, but will he always harbor resentment?
Yes, he will always harbor resentment, as well as pet hair. It doesn’t go away.

How can you tell if you’re a cat person?
There are several stages before you become a full-blown cat lady. There’s the obvious living alone in a studio apartment, having more than one cat and learning to knit. Then there are the less obvious feelings of increasingly unsubtle loneliness, whispering “I love you” to your cat while lying alone in bed and spending hours on Amazon.com looking for the perfect DustBuster. Unfortunately, not unlike syphilis, these stages often lay dormant until one day you wake up and you’re a full-on cat lady.

promotion

How can becoming a cat person make me better in bed?
Cats are volatile creatures. One moment they’re curled up in your lap, purring and snuggling. The next, they’re stretched out across your dining room table, acting like you don’t exist. Cat owners learn that affection vis a vis good sex is fleeting, so we make the most of it when we get the chance.

Last night, my coworker and I made out at a party while drunk. What should I say when I see him?
Nothing. It was probably a mistake. Just smile coyly and go about your business, and try not to trip over anything or slam into the copier on your way back to your desk.

I made fun of my boyfriend’s orgasm face. He laughed, but he hasn’t wanted to have sex for the past week. What should I do to make amends?
Let him gently ridicule you about something weird you do during sex, just to show you can take it as well as you can dish it out. Failing that, offering anal will probably work.

My boyfriend never realizes that I’ve come. I think I make it pretty obvious. Beyond announcing it, is there anything I can do to make it more clear?
It’s all about contrast. Don’t start immediately banshee-howling at the top of your lungs when he first puts it in. Build up to that slowly, and he’ll notice.

What can cats teach us about relationships?
They’re transient.


Josh, 30

www.MyCatWearsClothes.com

Whenever my boyfriend and I have sex, his cat watches. It kind of freaks me out. Should I ban her from the room?
For cats, watching humans have sex is just like humans watching animals have sex on the Discovery Channel. It’s nothing to be concerned about.

I’m a guy and my girlfriend is bisexual. She occasionally has sleepovers with a girlfriend from college who she used to hook up with. She insists they’re just friends. Am I being way too suspicious for thinking she’s cheating on me?
I guess I’m old fashioned, but I don’t consider it cheating unless there’s a penis involved. This sounds more like a sexual fantasy than something to worry about.

I’m dating a much older man. Is it wrong to knock a few years off his age when I introduce him to my friends and family, just to avoid awkwardness?
I suppose it depends on if you have long-term plans with this guy — it’ll be a lot weirder when they eventually find out you’ve been lying to them. What will you say when he starts collecting Social Security when he’s fifty-six?

I made fun of my boyfriend’s orgasm face. He laughed, but he hasn’t wanted to have sex for the past week. What should I do to make amends?
That’s a tough one. Men don’t like to be made fun of when they’re having sex. They can be very sensitive in this area. And unlike women, men don’t like to “talk about it.” They just want to be left alone for a while. I’m sure he’ll get over it eventually, I would just give it more time.

I had great sex with a one-night stand and would like to do it again. Would it be stalkerish to Google him and try to find his contact info?
Yes. If there was no contact info exchanged, it’s extremely unlikely he’d be impressed by you finding it and contacting him. Where did you meet him? Try to meet him there again “by accident.”

What makes cat people good at sex?
We’re used to being scratched and clawed.

I love dogs. My boyfriend loves cats. Will this work out in the long-term?
No. You’re probably not smart enough for him.


Josh, 31

Lately, I’ve been fantasizing about my ex all the time. Should I call him up for one more no-strings night together?
Sure, but realize you may be signing up for a future of him calling you for one more night of no-strings-attached sex every night thereafter.

How do you know if you’re a cat person?
You like to take naps at all hours, you think everything is yours and your partner always comments on how great you are with your tongue.

Whenever my boyfriend and I have sex, his cat watches. It kind of freaks me out. Should I ban her from the room?
I don’t see what’s wrong with a little voyeurism. It’s not like the cat is trying to join in. Or is he?

Last night my coworker and I made out at a party while we were both drunk. What should I say when I see him?
Say hello and then ask him what he did last night, making sure there are others around to overhear his answer. That will give you an idea of where things stand.

I made fun of my boyfriend’s orgasm face. He laughed, but he hasn’t wanted to have sex for the past week. What should I do to make amends?
Dump him, unless you don’t mind having sex with the lights off for the rest of your life. If he doesn’t want to have sex for a week because you made fun of him, he has problems.

My boyfriend can last for hours, which honestly, is not a good thing. How do I get him to finish quicker?
Have you heard of the prostate? Learn it and love it.

What can cats teach us about relationships?
Cats teach us to find a mate who will cater to our every need, and to piss on the carpet when they don’t.


Matt, 29 and Deborah, 26
www.catontape.com

Whenever my boyfriend and I have sex, his cat watches. It kind of freaks me out. Should I ban her from the room?
Yes, because sex is about you being comfortable, and accidentally rolling over on a cat is uncomfortable and weird.

My girlfriend is addicted to her BlackBerry. She puts it on the nightstand and will answer it during sex. How do I get her to stop?
Once she gets on her BlackBerry in bed, go into the other room and send her a dirty email. Turn the whole thing into foreplay.

I’m dating a much older man. Is it wrong to knock a few years off his age when I introduce him to my friends and family, just to avoid awkwardness?
Don’t lie, because you can’t lie forever about this. Unless your dad is younger or the same age, in which case, lie away.

I own six cats. Is this something I should bring up before I bring a guy home?
Maybe you should just go back to his place.

What can cats teach us about relationships?
They bite, scratch and act like little bitches. But in the end, they are oh so worth it.
 

Interviews by Anna Davis. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

Previous Sex Advice


RELATED ARTICLES
Sex Advice From Female Fighters by Chantal O’Keefe
Sex Advice From Internet TV Stars by Jessica Gold Haralson
Sex Advice From Rock of Love Stars by Alexis Tirado
Sex Advice From Surfers by Tenille Knoop
Sex Advice From Dog Walkers by Nicole Pasulka
Sex Advice From Bouncers by Simona Kogan

©2007 Simona Kogan & Nerve.com, Inc.