Sex Advice from Central Park Tanners

BY BIANCA MERBAUM

Brett, 27

I was tanning on the lawn a couple weeks ago when this couple next to me really started getting at it – like full-on groping, hands down pants. I gave up my spot and left. Should I have said something first?

You can do whatever you want, but I certainly would not have said something. Thank God people are hot and heavy for each other. Deal with it or leave. I wish I was getting a handy at the park!


Should I trust guys who hit on me when I go out tanning?
You should never really trust guys right off the bat. Dads are right: guys are only interested in one thing. But in this case thankfully, it’s even more obvious. At least the guy probably has his shirt off, and you can see at least if the attraction is mutual a little better than when they hit on you with their sweater and blazer on at some shitty bar in the winter.


Where is the best place outside to have sex in a park?
It might seem obvious, but you want a grassy area under a nice bushy tree. Clearly, part of the rush is perhaps getting seen, but you don’t want to be so visible that everybody sees, including cops who are jealous of the fact that your gennies are wet and theirs aren’t. I once saw people set up a tent. Fucking in a tent, at the park, with all the sun and grass and greatness all around, but can’t be seen. Great fucking idea. Literally.

I had a one-night stand the other night and halfway through I realized I’d forgotten the girl’s name. What’s the best way to find this out without looking like a complete idiot?
Say this: I can’t believe how attracted I am to this other girl with your name. She will most likely say something like “What? You’ve hooked up with other (insert chick’s name here) before?” or “How many (chick’s name) have you hooked up with?” Be careful only to answer with, like, two or three — so as not to look like a total disease-mop.

I can’t stand it when a guy interprets my friendliness as flirting, and ends up cornering me for my number. But I always feel like saying no will ruin all the friendliness. What’s the best way to let him down?
Just give him your number. Decide what you want to do with him after he asks you to something. Maybe he just wants to text you about stupid shit or invite you to a huge rooftop pool-party rager that everyone is going to be at. Get numbers. Give numbers. The more the better. That way, all this stupid pressure about asking for or giving a fucking phone number will no longer be a fucking issue at all.

I get bored after ten minutes of sex, and it doesn’t matter how attracted I am to the person I’m with, or how good they are. It’s just exhausting! Is there something wrong with me?
Yes. Let him fuck you in the ass for a while. Only half kidding there. Most dudes are convinced that longer is better, in terms of duration of sex. Just tell him that’s not the case. Maybe he’s been holding back to make you happy. Ah, irony.


My best friend’s mom is a total MILF. And she’s single too! My friend no longer lives at home, and I'm over eighteen; should I just go for it?
Depends on how close of a friend you are with the dude. If he's a good friend, you’ve got to stay away from that. A good friend is hard to come by, but there are plenty of available fucks. But if it’s just an old high-school buddy that you’re not really that close to, but you have obligatory beers with occasionally, then yeah, go for it. It would be hilarious! For everybody!