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Sex Advice From Central Park Tanners

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Sex Advice From Central Park Tanners - Brett

Brett, 27

I was tanning on the lawn a couple weeks ago when this couple next to me really started getting at it – like full-on groping, hands down pants. I gave up my spot and left. Should I have said something first?

You can do whatever you want, but I certainly would not have said something. Thank God people are hot and heavy for each other. Deal with it or leave. I wish I was getting a handy at the park!


Should I trust guys who hit on me when I go out tanning?
You should never really trust guys right off the bat. Dads are right: guys are only interested in one thing. But in this case thankfully, it’s even more obvious. At least the guy probably has his shirt off, and you can see at least if the attraction is mutual a little better than when they hit on you with their sweater and blazer on at some shitty bar in the winter.


Where is the best place outside to have sex in a park?
It might seem obvious, but you want a grassy area under a nice bushy tree. Clearly, part of the rush is perhaps getting seen, but you don’t want to be so visible that everybody sees, including cops who are jealous of the fact that your gennies are wet and theirs aren’t. I once saw people set up a tent. Fucking in a tent, at the park, with all the sun and grass and greatness all around, but can’t be seen. Great fucking idea. Literally.

I had a one-night stand the other night and halfway through I realized I’d forgotten the girl’s name. What’s the best way to find this out without looking like a complete idiot?
Say this: I can’t believe how attracted I am to this other girl with your name. She will most likely say something like “What? You’ve hooked up with other (insert chick’s name here) before?” or “How many (chick’s name) have you hooked up with?” Be careful only to answer with, like, two or three — so as not to look like a total disease-mop.

I can’t stand it when a guy interprets my friendliness as flirting, and ends up cornering me for my number. But I always feel like saying no will ruin all the friendliness. What’s the best way to let him down?
Just give him your number. Decide what you want to do with him after he asks you to something. Maybe he just wants to text you about stupid shit or invite you to a huge rooftop pool-party rager that everyone is going to be at. Get numbers. Give numbers. The more the better. That way, all this stupid pressure about asking for or giving a fucking phone number will no longer be a fucking issue at all.

I get bored after ten minutes of sex, and it doesn’t matter how attracted I am to the person I’m with, or how good they are. It’s just exhausting! Is there something wrong with me?
Yes. Let him fuck you in the ass for a while. Only half kidding there. Most dudes are convinced that longer is better, in terms of duration of sex. Just tell him that’s not the case. Maybe he’s been holding back to make you happy. Ah, irony.


My best friend’s mom is a total MILF. And she’s single too! My friend no longer lives at home, and I’m over eighteen; should I just go for it?
Depends on how close of a friend you are with the dude. If he’s a good friend, you’ve got to stay away from that. A good friend is hard to come by, but there are plenty of available fucks. But if it’s just an old high-school buddy that you’re not really that close to, but you have obligatory beers with occasionally, then yeah, go for it. It would be hilarious! For everybody!


Sex Advice From Central Park Tanners - Krystle

Krystle, 28


What’s the best way to pick up someone tanning in the park?
You want to have some activity going on, like volleyball, so you could get someone to join you.


Should I trust guys who hit on me when I go out tanning?

There’s no reason you can’t trust someone doing anything, but I don’t look for someone to come right up to me when I’m lying down, trying to relax and enjoy time alone. If I want to be engaged, I will be pretty clear.

Where is the best place outside to have sex?
Well, on the beach you have sand and salt, and on the boardwalk you have hookers, so they aren’t really great places, honestly. A private cabana would be ideal, or just take it to the car. You won’t be disturbed by any friction or burning or sassy hookers.

Lately I’ve been really disappointed with the way my guy eats me out, but I am too afraid I’ll hurt his feelings him if I say anything. What’s a good way to approach the situation?
You always want to use the positive approach. There should be something that he does that you enjoy. You want to say “I really like it when you…” rather than saying “I don’t like it when you do this or that.” Try to highlight the things that you do love, and then he’ll be more inclined to take that in a more positive, helpful manner. If you make him feel insecure, it’ll end up being awkward. You don’t want to hurt his feelings.


I had a one-night stand the other night and half way through I realized I’d forgotten the girl’s name. What’s the best way to find this out without looking like a complete idiot?
Ask her how to spell it. If you haven’t gotten her number yet, then you can ask, "Oh, how do you spell your name?"

I can’t stand it when a guy interprets my friendliness as flirting, and ends up cornering me for my number. But I always feel like saying no will ruin all the friendliness. What’s the best way to let him down?
Agreed, that can be pretty annoying. How can you say no nicely? Well, you’ll probably have to just say, “No,” nicely! “No, I’m okay, thank you for asking.” Or “We’ll cross paths again…” The direct honest approach, so he’ll get the idea.

My best friend’s mom is a total MILF. And she’s single too! My friend no longer lives at home, and I’m over eighteen; should I just go for it?
Probably not. It’s not the right thing to do by your friend. You should just keep an incredibly awesome hot fantasy.

I get bored after ten minutes of sex, and it doesn’t matter how attracted I am to the person I’m with, or how good they are. It’s just exhausting! Is there something wrong with me?
If you’re having sex with someone for the first time or in a new relationship with someone I would be pretty surprised. You should absolutely just be going at it. However, is there something wrong with you? No, everybody’s different! Everyone is different in their own, ten-minute way.

Sex Advice From Central Park Tanners - Fernando


Fernando [left], 27


What’s the best way to pick up someone who’s tanning in the park?
I’m not one of those douchey guys to go up to a girl and says, “Hey what’s your name.” I say, maybe position yourself close to them, then make a slow approach. If you’re with your guy friends, tossing a ball around, pretend you accidentally threw the ball in her direction. You know, do things in a very subtle way.


Should I trust guys who hit on me when I go out tanning?
Yeah, unless they’re invasive. Any guy that takes a douchebag approach, maybe not. But if they’re slick about it, yeah.

This girl I’ve recently started sleeping with became really clingy. I just want to screw around – literally – but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Can we go from friends-with- benefits back to just friends?
Stop hooking up gradually. Ease your way out of it, but don’t be a dick about it. Like, for example, start making your text messages shorter than usual, only hang out once in awhile, and eventually she’ll get the hint. You don’t need to say, “We need to talk,” unless you’re boyfriend and girlfriend.

I had a one-night stand the other night and halfway through I realized I’d forgotten the girl’s name! What’s the best way to find this out without looking like a complete idiot?
I’ve actually been in this situation before. If you’re not interested in making things more than a one-night stand, then you can just leave it at that. If you want to see her again, put yourself in a situation where you’re with other friends, introduce your friends to her and try to catch her name that way.


I get bored after ten minutes of sex, and it doesn’t matter how attracted I am to the person I’m with, or how good they are. It’s just exhausting! Is there something wrong with me?
Yeah, I think there just might be, actually. Maybe you’re just not into sex with that person, but if you’re like that with everyone, then maybe you just don’t like sex that much.

My best friend’s mom is a total MILF. And she’s single too! My friend no longer lives at home and I’m over eighteen. Should I just go for it?
Well, the big question is: do you want to stay friends with him? If he’s an acquaintance or you don’t really like him that much, go for it, sure why not? But there’s no way you will stay friends with that person.


I’m really disappointed with the way my guy eats me out, but I’m afraid I’ll hurt his feelings if I say something. What’s a good way to approach the situation?
It’s always good to be straightforward and express yourself. Save it for when it’s actually happening; maybe just a couple pointers when he’s going down on you will make it a little easier. I think timing is everything. That and a sexy voice will do the job.