Advice

Sex Advice From Chefs

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Q: What’s the best way to get in a chef's pants? A: Sequester him in the walk-in fridge. Booze helps.

BrianBrian, 31

Why are chefs better in bed?
Real chefs love doing things right. We’re fucking crazy perfectionists, and it’s definitely that way in the bedroom too. Getting your girl off in bed is like making the most amazing plate you’ve ever created and serving it to a critic. It makes me feel good about life — like I’m killing it!

Why date a chef?
It’s the same kind of thing as the first question. On top of all that bedroom action, chefs are good partners. I don’t really know why.

What do you think about inter-restaurant relationships? Why does it happen so damn often?
Well, most “front of the house” people are at least good looking, if not beautiful, so you definitely have the odds working for you. Dating someone you work with is usually a bad idea, but I do it anyway. Waiters and bartenders just have that personality I’m attracted to—partiers, fun, usually independent. Add in a lot of drugs and booze and it’s always going to happen.

I'm twenty-three and I've been with my girlfriend for four years. We're talking about moving and I can tell she's waiting for me to propose. She's been talking about marriage a lot recently. What should I do?
When I was twenty-three there was definitely some girl I thought I should marry, but, thank God, I didn’t! Just don’t do it. You can’t get married that young anymore, you just can’t. Unless you’re from Kansas or something — and I should know, that’s why I moved away from Kansas.

I really hate going down on girls. I think it’s a combination of the taste and not really knowing what to do. Help me?
Dude, you’ve got to fix this ASAP. Only assholes don’t go down on girls. You think she likes your hairy junk in her face? It's a compromise man. For a newbie, I’d ask my girl to shave or wax, so you can see what you’re working with. After that, suck it up. Literally. It’s kind of like foie gras; it’s an acquired taste. It takes awhile to get used to it, but you better learn to love it or she’s going to bounce.

My girlfriend recently gained some weight. It's not a big deal to me, but she obviously feels bad about it. When I try to bring it up, we end up fighting. How can I convince her it's no big deal?
Weight gain matters, man. Its definitely going to affect how she feels about herself and I don’t really think there’s anything you can do to change how she feels about herself. You can compliment her, but women are smart and she’d probably see through that. I’d just try to fuck her constantly without telling her why. If I were a lady and my man wanted me all the time, I’d feel sexy. But also I just like having sex. So maybe fucking her all the time is just selfish.

I dated this guy for three months. We broke up because he was just out of a tremendously long relationship and couldn't commit. We had great chemistry and awesome sex, and it definitely wasn't one-sided. Even though it’s been a year, I can't stop thinking about him. How do I get him back?
Definitely try to get him back; trying to win someone over is like half the fun. I’m a big fan of the chase. It’s easy for girls; just wear a sexy outfit and flirt. What’s so hard about that?

I've been casually sleeping with a client of mine. He'd obviously like to be in a relationship, but I really just want occasional. Am I being an asshole, or just behaving how men have been behaving for the last billion years?
I don’t think there’s any difference between how women and men should behave. Whatever, you aren’t really interested and that’s fine. You’re still allowed to have sex with him. In the restaurant industry, women and men use each other for sex all the time. Personally, I see nothing wrong with that. Guys who call women tramps for doing that kind of stuff are insecure dicks anyway. Actually, you sound like a lot of fun. I’d like to meet you. If you scrap this guy, call me.

RandyRandy, 37

Why are chefs better in bed?
We don’t fuck like rabbits; we know how to take our time. We’re into marinating things. You know, you got to sit there and love it. Marinate it. Sometimes marinating takes hours.

Why date a chef?
See the last question. Also, when you wake up in the morning you have a great breakfast. Been having sex all night? I’ll whip you up a delicious midnight snack.

What’s the best way to get in a chef's pants?
Blatant honesty. We deal with bullshit all day so we don’t beat around the bush. If you want get down, just let me know.

What do you think about incorporating food with sex? What's your favorite food to eat off of someone'?
I’m not a fan of food and sex. I don’t mix business and pleasure. I’d prefer to just get dinner after; I’m not going to eat my steak off your breasts. That’s not going to turn me on.

I love my boyfriend, but he's a slacker. He was a delivery guy for a restaurant, but got fired. Also, we're not kids. He's coming up on thirty. I'm worried he just isn't motivated enough to have a normal career someday. Can I casually motivate him?
You’re dating a thirty-year-old delivery guy? I mean, you’re basically digging your own grave. If the sex is that great, keep fucking him and collecting his dollar bills—he’s working for tips, right?

My girlfriend recently gained some weight. It's not a big deal to me, but she obviously feels bad about it. When I try to bring it up, we end up fighting. How can I convince her it's no big deal?
Well, unfortunately, you actually already have a regular relationship, because this shit comes up all the time. If you don’t care about her body weight, compliment her all the time—constantly. Everybody needs positive reinforcement. If you think she’s really hot, then tell her. She’ll feel sexy and you both win.

I dated this guy for three months. We broke up because he was just out of a tremendously long relationship and couldn't commit. We had great chemistry and awesome sex. Even though it’s been a year, I can't stop thinking about him. Should I try to get him back?
No you should move on or continue to fuck him without any guilt. You can’t win over someone who doesn’t want to be there. So I’d say, find someone else or continue to use him for purely selfish reasons.

I really hate going down on girls. I think it’s a combination of the taste and not really knowing what to do. Help me?
My intuition says if you’re really not into going down on girls, maybe you should think about the opposite sex. If it’s that bad, why bother? As far as eating some pussy, treat it like you would make out with a girl, be gentle. You know, feel it, love it, just make out with it — use your fingers.

DaveDave, 29

Why are chefs better in bed?
Chefs are better in bed because they’re in tune with flavor and the senses. We have a heightened awareness of what our sexual partners want. We’re full of passion and we’re in high-pressure situations all day, so we can bring it in the sack.

Why date a chef?
Don’t ever date a chef.

What do you think about inter-restaurant relationships? Why does it happen so damn often?
People in restaurants work way too much, so we don’t see any one but each other. That’s why we sleep with each other. I have dated people I work with. That’s how I met my wife, so I guess I have I biased view of it. It can definitely cause problems and make things difficult, but it’s feasible.

What’s the best way to get in a chef's pants?
Sequester him in the walk-in fridge. Booze helps. You could also cover yourself in chocolate sauce.

I'm dating a great girl, but I recently found out she hooked up with one of my friends in college. We didn't even know each other then, so it shouldn't matter to me, but it really, really does. How do I just chill out?
Well that’s something you got to get over man. Its unfortunate that you know about it, especially if it bugs you that much, but this one is really up to you. Be a man and deal with it. Of course your girlfriend has fucked other guys before you; she’s not getting her panties in a bunch over girls you’ve fucked, so don’t be a baby.

What do you think about incorporating food with sex? What's your favorite food to eat off of someone?
Yeah, man! I’m down. Dessert sauces are always good. I like using crème anglaise. Girls love that shit. There’s the typical aphrodisiac bullshit, you know, caviar, oysters, champagne. Champagne definitely works. I’m not into solid foods, no pizza or carrots, I mean, you’d really have to be in the right situation, and how often are you in the perfect situation with a carrot?

I love my boyfriend, but he's a slacker. He was a delivery guy for a restaurant, but got fired. Also, he's coming up on thirty. I'm worried he just isn't motivated enough to have a normal career someday. How can I get him motivated?
Sounds like this guy is a loser. If he can’t keep a delivery job at a restaurant, this guy has absolutely no ambition what so ever. Give him an ultimatum, tell him to get his shit together or you’re out. You’d probably be better off away from this dude.

I'm twenty-three and I've been with my girlfriend for four years. We're talking about moving and me going to school and I can tell she's waiting for me to propose. She's been talking about marriage a lot recently. What should I do?
If you’re that young and she’s pressuring you already, it seems like it’s not going to work. Focus on your career man, you’re twenty-three! If she sticks with you through that, then marry her. But if you’re wildly in love with the girl, to each his own.