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Sex Advice from . . . Chocolatiers

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Katie, 24
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What might I assume about the bedroom habits of someone who buys me a Russell Stover sampler for Valentine’s Day?
He’s out of touch with what’s “in” today. He’s not going to be that creative. Russell Stover is inexcusable.

For how long am I obligated to perform a blowjob before giving up?
Minimum, ten minutes. But if this is the guy who gave you the Russell Stovers, you shouldn’t even consider it.

I have a tiny penis. What should I do to maximize pleasure for the girl?
Everything else.

How can I get a chocolatier to go home with me?
Buy a lot of chocolate and say it’s for your mother.

When is biting okay, and what are the rules?
After twenty-two years of marriage, my mother finally told my dad she hates it when he bites her. He had never known. Start off gently, but if it’s not well-received, quit while you’re ahead.

Jonathan, 30
www.li-lacchocolates.com

What are some of the more creative ways to incorporate chocolate in the bedroom?
I think a guy doesn’t necessarily want to do that, but he feels forced, you know? Chocolate’s good, and sex is good, but just like sports are good and sex is good, he doesn’t really want to mix them. They just don’t mix, eating and sex. So I think it’s up to the girl to think of something, to guide the situation.

That’s fair.
Yeah. Have you ever heard of ben-wa balls?

Yes.
Well, we have malt balls. And these round almond things. Espresso beans. And we have break-up chocolate, which are just big hunks of hard chocolate, for the S&M crowd.

One of my co-workers gave me a fancy box of chocolates. Is he implying he wants to bang me?
Yeah, because it’s such a deliberate act. It’s a pain in the ass to come here and get chocolates. There’s a lot of people in line, and if you want to pick something out and make a personalized box, it takes time.

For how long am I obligated to perform a blowjob before giving up?
A long time. Thing is, most guys can’t finish that way. I mean, one blowjob from start to finish? That’s no fun.

How can I get a guy to talk dirty in bed without just asking him to?
Start asking questions. Nasty questions. He’s going to have to respond. Don’t just let it go, either. Ask him again and again, and then be like, “Huh, huh? What was that? Huh?!” And then, well, you’ll just have to slap him at some point.

I have a tiny penis. What can I do to maximize pleasure for the girl?
There’s not much you can do, from my understanding. I mean, I’m Italian, so I wouldn’t know. I read Esquire, and they often have these articles called “Ten Things You Should Know About Women,” and they say size doesn’t matter. But it does.

How can I convince my man to slap me around in bed if he doesn’t feel comfortable with that?
You can’t change people, that’s the thing. If someone’s spanking you and they really don’t want to be spanking you, you can tell. There’s a difference between spanking out of obligation and someone who really likes to spank. And once you’ve had this stuff [makes hard spanking gesture], you can’t go back.

So move on?
Move on, or get a separate, non-sex spanking partner.

How would I go about hitting on a chocolatier?
Be very sweet, look me in the eye and be open to more than one kind of relationship.

Ingrid, 22

One of my co-workers gave me a fancy box of chocolates. How can I tell if this is a romantic gift?
Eat the chocolate in front of him very sensually and get his reaction. If you catch him staring at you, you’re probably a go. If not, you’re just making an ass of yourself.

What might I assume about the bedroom habits of someone who buys me a Russell Stover sampler from Rite Aid?
That person is going to be selfish. Little foreplay, maximum pleasure for him. You’re just kind of there.

How long am I obligated to give someone a blowjob before giving up?
Depends how much of a trooper you are. Maybe fifteen to twenty minutes, but if you’re really a go-getter, you probably won’t stand for less than finishing.

How can I get a man to talk dirty to me in bed without just coming out and asking?
Some guys really like it when you give them orders. Tell him, don’t ask him. Instead of saying, “Hey, baby, will you talk dirty to me?” say, “Hey! Talk dirty! Now!”

I’m a twenty-six-year-old virgin who’s about to have sex for the first time. What’s the most important thing for me to know?
There’s no guarantee your first time isn’t going to suck, because you’re probably going to blow your load right away.

I have a tiny penis. What can I do to maximize pleasure for the girl?
Stick to cunnilingus.

How can I get a chocolatier into bed?
If you give me really good chocolate, I’ll probably start touching myself the moment I start to eat it.

William, 25

What can I assume about the bedroom habits of someone who buys me a foot-long milk-chocolate cock with a caramel-filled scrotum attached?
That they’re compensating for their small penis.

My boyfriend’s getting fat and it’s turning me off. What can I do?
Keep him away from chocolate shops and sneak some diet pills into his coffee.

How many minutes am I obligated to perform a blowjob before giving up?
Twenty-five.

How can I convince my man to play rough in bed if he doesn’t feel comfortable with that?
Piss him off so that he’ll want to pull your hair. Tell him, “You’re pulling my hair or else we’re not having sex.”
 


Interviews by Myung! Joh. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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