Advice

Sex Advice From Circus Sideshow Performers

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Sword swallowers, fire eaters, and other self-described “freaks.”

Photo By Laure Leber

Fred Kahl, 46

What's great about sleeping with someone in the sideshow?
I bet the most popular answer is "freaky sex." (Insert your favorite sword-swallower joke here.) But honestly, sex with sideshow performers isn't all that different from sex with regular folks, except that maybe performers are more outgoing and less inhibited.

Has performing in the sideshow ever gotten you laid?
Yes. It’s even gotten me married twice! The first time I married the Fire Eater. It was great for a while, until she turned out to be a jealous freak and threatened to spit fire on anyone I even looked cross-eyed at. The second time round, it was to a fan, and this time I think I got it right. We have a great relationship and are well matched in the sack. She's not upset if I check out other women because she knows we have a great relationship and she's got nothing to worry about. As I always say, "Even if you're on a diet, it's okay to look at the menu." 

Do you prefer to date outside the sideshow, or do us "normies" not do it for you anymore?
My wife is a "normie,” but behind closed doors she's a super freak. Just kidding, but we try to keep it interesting. I think the secret to any successful relationship is to keep the ego in check and always make sure your partner is satisfied. 

How does being a sideshow performer typically go over with the parents?
It took some getting used to. 

Has being a sideshow performer ever been a dealbreaker for someone you were seeing?
Some people get visibly turned off once I start hammering nails and ice picks up my nose. I figure if they're still interested after they see my act, they're worth pursuing.

I'm involved in an office romance. Should I out it to the rest of the office or let it continue quietly?
I'd say keep it on the down low and advise you not to mix business and pleasure. I know it didn't work out too well when I married the Fire Eater. What do they say — don't shit where you eat?

My girlfriend wants me to pose for some sexy pictures. She maintains that they will be just for us, but she's got a photo blog  and I worry that’s where they’ll end up if we break up. What should I do?
If you ever think you will want to run for a public office, don’t do it. Otherwise, go for it, but plan on them getting posted someday! 

If "the sideshow" were a sex position, what would it be like?
Scissoring in front of voyeurs.

I suspect my girlfriend is faking orgasms  should I confront her?
Yes. You are responsible for your partner's happiness! Just be careful to keep your conversation non-threatening, because she may feel inadequate and insecure if she's not able to have an orgasm with you. It's important for her to feel she can trust you so she can let go. 

I've been letting my one-night stands turn into month-long crappy dating experiences because I can't confront the guys and let them know it's not working. How can I "man up?"
Whoa. Man up and move on. Life is too short to waste your time like that. Also, maybe you're giving it up too easily? If you're just looking for sex, a one-night stand is fine — it's about immediate gratification and nothing more. But if you're looking for a relationship, a good rule of thumb is to never sleep with someone until after the third date. If they make it that far, you know they're really interested.

Kryssy Kocktail, 35

Photo By Norman Blake

What's great about sleeping with someone in the sideshow?I would never sleep with anybody in the sideshow — the term “don’t shit where you eat” comes to mind. Plus, we’re carnies, and you never quite know what you’ll catch. But for those who are daring enough, make sure you’re a tourist, and you’ll never  and I mean never, ever  have to look at them again. After all, do you really want people like that knowing where you live?

Has performing in the sideshow ever gotten you laid?
Lying on a bed of nails is enough for me, but I’m pretty sure if I wanted to, I’d probably have a pretty good chance of claiming a victim. How often do you think that someone turns down a sword swallower?

Do you prefer to date outside the sideshow, or do us "normies" not do it for you anymore?
Anybody with a job is game — and if you can articulate and have some type of comprehension, that's a plus.

How does being a sideshow performer typically go over with the parents?
Depends on how you look at it — am I paying for their retirement home?

Has being a sideshow performer ever been a dealbreaker for someone you were seeing?
I think my mental status is probably more of a dealbreaker than my job.

What's the best come-on you've ever gotten while working?
“You like jewels? Because I’ve got a pearl necklace I’d love to give you.”

I'm involved in an office romance. Should I out it to the rest of the office or let it continue quietly?
There are two questions here. First, what’s your work policy is like? If your job is laid back, then fine, but for the most part — if it’s not a long term or serious thing  I wouldn’t let people know. There are often too many hens in the henhouse that like to cause drama, if you know what I mean.

My girlfriend wants me to pose for some sexy pictures. She maintains that they will be just for us, but she's got a photo blog  and I worry that’s where they’ll end up if we break up. What should I do?
If you don’t want anyone to see your goods then don’t give them access to them. This is the era of technology — information spreads like wildfire. Trust no one.

What's a good way to keep the spark in a long-term relationship?
Considering I’ve been married for twelve years (to a non-tattooed construction worker) and have three kids with him, I’m convinced that the key to success in a long-term relationships to have completely different work schedules, bedrooms, and to spend the least amount of time with your partner as possible.

I suspect my girlfriend is faking orgasms — should I confront her?
Maybe you should buy her a new vibrator. If she’s faking them, it could only be for two reasons, and neither explanation is going to do any good for your ego at this point. But look at it this way: if she’s faking them, at least you know she loves you.

I've been letting my one-night stands turn into month-long crappy dating experiences because I can't confront the guys and let them know it's not working. How do I "man up?"
If you’re serious: use a fake name when you meet someone, always go to their house, don’t tell them where you live, and leave as soon as it’s done. Easy enough. 

Photo By Norman Blake

Ray Valenz, 26

What's great about sleeping with someone in the sideshow?
There's no fetish too freaky, no request too kinky for a sideshow performer.

Has performing in the sideshow ever gotten you laid?
Short answer: yes. Long answer: fuck yes.

Do you prefer to date outside of the sideshow, or do us normies not do it for you anymore?
I prefer gals who aren't sideshow performers, since there's hardly anything I like more than corrupting girls who would be considered "normal."

How does being a sideshow performer typically go over with the parents?
Don't ask me — I never stick around long enough to meet the parents.

What's the best come-on you've ever gotten while working?
"I saw you pounding that nail into your face and it got me to thinkin'… "

I'm involved in an office romance. Should I out it to the rest of the office or let it continue quietly?
I would cut that out altogether. You should never shit where you eat. Alternatively, you could stop eating where you shit, depending on how much you like your job.

There's a girl I'm digging who's heavily adorned  she’s got lots of piercings and tattoos. I'm pretty clean-cut. Is she out of my league  or just out of my demographic?
If you're even asking this question, she's probably way out of your league. It seems like a girl like that would be into confidence and your question indicates that you lack that. But yeah, most people with piercings would date someone without. So grow a pair and go get her.

My girlfriend wants me to pose for some sexy pictures. She maintains that they will be just for us, but she's got a photo blog  and I worry that’s where they’ll end up if we break up. What should I do?
If you're not comfortable with posing naked and there's a risk that the rest of us might be exposed to those pics, do everyone a favor and don't take them!

If "the sideshow" were a sex position, what would it be like?
It would be making sweet, passionate love to your soulmate, when all of a sudden, a gang of midget clowns barges in…

What's a good way to keep the spark in a long-term relationship?
Two words: three-way sex! Wait, is that three words?

I suspect my girlfriend is faking her orgasms — should I confront her?
Absolutely, if you want her to tell you how inadequate you are. Ignorance is, as they say, bliss.