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Sex Advice from . . . Colon Therapists

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Sussanna, 30
gravity.sun@gmail.com

What’s the best way to hit on a colon therapist?
Impress me with your green-juice-drinking habits.

I read my boyfriend’s journal and discovered that he’s having lunch with an ex. I’m furious. How do I bring it up without admitting I violated his privacy?
Find out the specific day he had lunch with his ex and then ask him, “Hey, what did you do that day?” Then it’s up to him to bring it up or not.

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I am dating a guy who uses text messaging as his main form of communication. I find it annoying and dispassionate. I’ve tried responding to his texts with phone calls, yet the texts continue. What do I do?
I love texting! I’m the queen of text messages. Especially in the beginning, when a guy texts you all time, that’s really cute because you know he’s thinking about you without really having to commit. But if it gets annoying, say, “It’s cute when you text me all day, but I want to hear your voice. Give me a call.” Say something positive about the texting, but at the same time, let him know what you really want. But say it to his face, don’t text it.

My girlfriend is a chain-smoker, and her mouth tastes like an ashtray. Asking her to quit on my behalf would only offend her. How can I get her to toss the smokes?
I would tell her, “Smoking is very unhealthy. When you’re ready to make a change, I’m here for you.” I used to smoke, then I quit cold turkey. Smoking is definitely a turn-off for me. When you are doing colonics and cleansing, you’re less inclined to light up. Green juice and cigarettes just don’t go.

I am dating a sexy foreigner who can barely speak English. How can I get over this linguistic hurdle?
Go down on him. If he can entertain me down south, we’ll get over those linguistic hurdles very quickly.

Is it offensive to ask a colon therapist out during the cleansing?
Yes. I’m very passionate about my work, so when I’m treating someone, I want to feel that I’m there for that reason. Guys have asked me out during colonics. I always said no because none of them were guys I wanted to go out with.

So they ask you out while they’re lying down, with a tube coming out of their rectum?
Yeah. One guy asked if I was doing anything later. Some guys take a few sessions before they ask me out. But if they ask during the first fifteen minutes, it’s strange.


Donna, 36
www.TheNac.net

I read my girlfriend’s journal and discovered she’s having lunch with an ex. I’m furious. How do I bring it up without admitting I violated her privacy?
Join her in the treatment room for moral support. Then when the therapist observes undigested Chinese-food particles leaving her body and talks about how she needs to chew more slowly, you can question her about this meal — since both you and her have only eaten salads and Italian for the past two weeks.

I love my boyfriend, and I’m sexually into him. But when we have sex, I start fantasizing about other men. What can I do to focus on the person on top of me?
Have sex with the other men and fantasize about your boyfriend instead.

I’m about to have sex with someone for the first time. What’s the best way to ask if he’s been tested for STDs without killing the mood?
Dress up like a nurse and he’ll think you’re just being kinky. Then take a full medical report and ask the question.

How can colon therapy improve my sex life?
You’ll feel and look healthy, and not give off offensive body odors. Only sexy people do colonics. Everyone else stinks.


Dr. Trisha Rossi, late 40s, “Colon Therapist to the Stars”
www.TheNac.net, www.LeSpaNaturale.net

My girlfriend often talks about how poorly her ex treated her. I’m doing my best to support her, but I can tell she’s still harboring a lot of resentment. How can I get her to stop?
Treat it lightly and say you wish she talked about you as much. Agree with her that he was a bastard. Ask how you can bury him so the two of you can dance on his grave.

I love my boyfriend, and I’m turned on by him. But when we have sex, I start fantasizing about other men. What can I do to focus on the person on top of me?
Allow your thoughts to wander, and they will eventually settle on the guy on top of or under you. Or fantasize about him being the sexiest movie star you know, and go with it.

Is it offensive to ask a colon therapist out during the cleansing?
Would you hit on any other professional while they were providing their service — your accountant, your priest, your gynecologist? If the answer is no, then maybe you should focus on the reason you’re there in the first place.

My girlfriend chain-smokes. How can I get her to stop?
Nicotine addiction is a serious problem, and second-hand smoke can be a serious problem for you. Honestly discussing these issues with her is the only way to go. The courage to raise the issue with her might even impress her.

What’s the best way to ask someone if they have any STDs without killing the mood?
If you’re afraid of killing the mood by asking one of the most important questions, you shouldn’t be having sex to begin with. Get over it, ask about safe sex and enjoy.

Kris, 54
www.itsaboweltyme.com

I am dating a sexy foreigner who can barely speak English. How can I get over this linguistic hurdle?
That’s crazy-making. It’s really hard for people to get past that hurdle. But if a girl is dating a guy from Honduras and she knows no Spanish, perhaps a bilingual cousin or friend can help translate the conversation. Or double-date with a couple that knows both languages.

My boyfriend is a chain-smoker, and his mouth tastes like an ashtray. Asking him to quit on my behalf would only offend him. What can I do?
Buy him a tin of Altoids, mouthwashes, or Smoke-B-Gone breath-spray.

I’m dating a guy who uses text messaging as his main form of communication. I find it annoying and dispassionate. I’ve tried responding to his texts with phone calls, yet the texts continue. What do I do?
When people hide like that, it seems obvious to me that there’s a secret agenda. It’s a shady form of communication because he’s not talking to you. He’s probably text messaging you while sitting in a room babysitting his kids.

I’m about to have sex with someone for the first time. What’s the best way to ask if he’s been tested for STDs without killing the mood?
Ask him before things even get sexual. Do it during dinner, or during the date before you think you may have sex. Do it the minute you think this is somebody you’re going to open up your body to.

What’s the best way to hit on a colon therapist?
Talk health and wellness. We love that smack. Those things impress us because we like people who care about their bodies.

Is it offensive to ask a colon therapist out during the cleansing?
Yeah, that’s inappropriate. If you’re there for that, then you’re in the wrong clinic. We’re there for your health. Having said that, at the end of the session, in my personal salon, we serve you vegetarian broth and bottles of water, and make sure your electrolytes are balanced. We don’t just kick you out the door. There’s plenty of opportunity then. But during the colonic, no. Once I walked into the room and a gentleman was sitting on the side of the table with a boner. After insertion I said, “You need to bend your knees during the entire colonic.” Because it’s much harder for them to get an erection with their knees bent. I’ve had men try to grab my boobs. I told one, “I’ll pull this speculum out and let you shit all over the room.” That scares people quick. 

Interviews by Kai Ma. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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