Would you steer clear of chuckle-fuckers?

Usually. Like most performers, I tend to be most attracted to people who hate me.

What instrument hasn't been utilized enough in love songs?

I was gonna say the didgeridoo, but everyone knows those didgeridoo guys get more ass than a toilet seat. Maybe the tuba?

"My girlfriend wants to have phone sex.  As a first timer, how do you ease into, 'Hey what's going on?' to 'I'm stroking your throbbing penis.'"

You’re doing it all wrong. Mention the penis stroking first, then ask her what’s going on.

"I have a crush on this hottie that hangs out at my coffee shop. Is there a better way to strike up conversation other than,"What's the wi-fi password?""

I suggest ordering a large black coffee, making direct eye contact with the hottie in question, and then dumping the entire large black coffee onto your crotch without flinching. This is what’s known in mating circles as a “power move.” Oh, and be sure to let her know you’ll treat her like gold. If you want to ask her for the wi-fi password after that, that’s totally up to you.

"It seems like drummers and guitarists get all the action. I play the french horn, is there any hope for me?"

Yes, but not sexually. No, I’m just kidding. Somewhere right now there’s a gal who gets so hot and bothered by the French horn that it’s actually kind of weird. Let’s just hope she gets out of jail soon.

"My boyfriend of two years and I broke up last month. I'm sad and horny. How long should I wait before sleeping with someone else?"

This has already gone on way too long if you ask me. Now you get down to the nearest bus station right now and start living, dammit!

"I have no game. How do I get game?"

You have to take a Buddhist approach here, meaning you will only get game after you have freed yourself of the desire to have game. If that doesn’t work, you could try wearing a furry hat or something.


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