Text him at 11 p.m. and say, “Hey, wanna have sex?”
When you get some good advice, know when to take it. “Sometimes you brunch for four and a half hours then head to the airport drunk as fuck and wonder how you ever lived life differently.” This is the kind of wisdom you can expect from comedienne and social media queen Nicole Byer on both Twitter and MTV’s hit series Girl Code — a show featuring female comics, musicians, and actresses giving honest advice to young women about love, life, and everything in between.
Nicole’s been doing improv at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York and LA since 2010 and despite her busy schedule, shows no signs of slowing down. On Nicole’s down time from Girl Code, she filmed a hilarious web series with SNL’s Sasheer Zamata called Pursuit of Sexiness, which illustrates the hardships of being broke and the New York City dating scene in way that no other show is doing. We sat down with Nicole to discuss Sasheer, ghosting, and the many virtues of vagina snacks.
How did you come up with the concept for your amazing web series The Pursuit of Sexiness? Are you and Sasheer Zamata as close in real life?
I asked Sasheer one day if she wanted to do a web series and she said yes. We outlined what we wanted to do and she wrote some amazing scripts. I don’t consider myself a writer and she pushed me to write one and I wrote two of them. We’re pretty close in real life since we perform, tour, and hang out together a lot.
In episode five of Pursuit of Sexiness, the guy you’re dating starts leaving gifts inside of your vagina. Did that really happen to you?
Yes. I had a one-night stand in Canada. We were drunk and I remember him biting into a Snickers bar and then going down on me. A piece of nut came loose and found refuge in my vagina and I found it the next morning. In the episode, I changed the peanut thing to the guy leaving a tiny note, a piece of fruit and then a big sweater in my vagina.
At what point in your life did you realize you had useful advice for people?
That is a loaded question, because I'm not entirely sure I have real, actual advice for people. I do know that I have common sense and that’s what I say on Girl Code. The majority of what I say is literally common sense, like someone submitted the question, “Can I wear my hair wet to school?” A piece of advice that resonated with people was "Don’t fuck if you have feelings,” which is that basic, “Stop hurting yourself” mentality. Girl Code doesn’t tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear, like what your friends would say. Sometimes you know what you should do but you just need someone to say it out loud.
How is the dating scene in New York versus in LA?
I think its easier in New York because you interact with more people and there are just so many different kinds of people. LA may be easy for the beautiful because its the land of the beautiful. I don't really date; I just kind of get drunk and have sex with people.
What type of guy are you looking for?
I want a lumberjack or a comedian. I like ‘em big and burly.
Who would be your dream TV boyfriend?
It would be Zack Morris because he is the fucking cutest thing in the world. Also he was with Lisa Turtle for a bit, so he’s into black girls in real life and on Saved by the Bell.
How do you feel about online dating?
I go in and out of liking it. Generally, I find it superficial and dismissive, but what if I find the love of my life? I had an OK Cupid profile until people started to tell me that they knew who I was before we even had a conversation and that was weird so I deactivated my profile. I just do that periodically.
If you could create your own dating show, what would the premise be?
I would be the only contestant and a bunch of men whose pictures I've seen and they've seen mine would come in. Then I could just date and have sex with all of them until something sticks.
Do you think that men and women react to one-night stands differently?
I think a lot of women try to have sex and not attach feelings unsuccessfully. I think men are just better at not caring and just generally being pieces of shit.
What’s the strangest way you’ve met a guy?
My roommate brought some guys back to our apartment from the bar and I was meeting them for the first time. Eventually they left, but one of them forgot his glasses and he needed to get them back, so I set up a date.
Would you ever date someone who’s seen you perform. Like a fan? (I believe they're called chuckle fuckers).
Yes, it’s called not being picky.
How long should you wait to sleep with a guy if you like him?
Until he's almost given up and never thinks he’s gonna get it. Apparently men like to chase.
Am I breaking an unspoken rule for wanting to text a guy that I had a one-night stand with to have sex again? How can I contact him in a non-desperate way?
Some people don’t like to continue the one-night stand and some do. Text him at 11 p.m. and say, “Hey, wanna have sex?” If he says no, he’s not into it. Move on because someone else will want to be knee deep in your vag.
How long can you go “on a break” with someone without doing permanent damage to our relationship?
Why do you need time apart? Probably because you want to break up. People change. It’s okay to be apart. Maybe you’re better off as friends.
I’ve gone on 3 dates with a guy and we’ve gone Dutch on every meal. Is it wrong of me to be annoyed that he hasn’t offered to pay for dinner yet? How do I get him to pay?
If you gave up the vag, he'll never pay. If you haven’t kissed, he may not know it’s a date. If he knows it’s a date and hasn’t offered to pay, he’s not the polite man you want. He’ll be like this in other parts of the relationship so you probably dodged a bullet.
Is there anyway for me to stop confusing nice guys with boring assholes?
Boring people are harmless, but you know when you’re dating an asshole. Remember all the times he was mean to you and you just took it? Don’t lower the level of how you want to be treated. If he’s treating you poorly, tell him to fuck off.
How do you prevent the New York fade out or ghosting? The concept being that you date someone, things are going well and then slowly their texts start dwindling until you stop hearing from them. Is there a way to get out of that cycle?
Nope. Unless you line your vagina with gold, men will continue to not be upfront about their wants. Games suck and until a man can say, “I don’t want to date you,” it will continue.
Photography by Mindy Tucker and Catherine Hellman.