Sex Advice from . . . Comic-Store Clerks

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Antonia, 26

I want to dress up as a sexy comic superhero and seduce my boyfriend. Any advice?
If you’re busty, I have two words for you: Power Girl. It’s a fairly easy costume to make. A good fallback plan is the new Super Girl costume — just don’t wear any underwear.

Does size matter?
If the girl really likes you and you’re a foreplay genius, she won’t care. Girls are emotional creatures; if you treat her right, she won’t question your performance.

What’s the best way to seduce a comic-store clerk?
For one, don’t start with, “I live in my mom’s basement and I’m a level-fourteen Paladin.” Geek or not, that’s a horrible way to spark a conversation.

The best way is to become a regular at the store. I’m not talking about waiting by the door when they open every morning and hanging out until they call the cops. Just subtly make yourself known. Ask for recommendations on comics based on your tastes, and you might enjoy the comics so much that you’ll have an excuse to come by and pick up new ones at least once a week. I met one of my boyfriends this way. You’ll be smelling like geek in no time.

I stopped drinking six months ago, and I’m having a hard time putting the moves on men while sober; I feel awkward. Any advice?
You have friends, right? Treat the date like a friend. Not to the point where you’re telling them your life story, but just be casual. From time to time, pat your prey on the knee or shoulder. Ask lots of questions. Don’t try to analyze the situation. Breathe — he’s just a guy. If he doesn’t float your boat or reciprocate, then there’s always tomorrow. And the next day!

My best friend and one of my ex-boyfriends are interested in each other. I’ve told both of them that it would make me feel weird if they dated, but they keep pressuring me to give them my blessing. What should I do?
They’re probably already doing it. All you can do is remember how awful he was in the sack and take solace in that. Make yourself look great and give the bastards your blessing.

Jesse, 26

What’s the best way to seduce a comic-store clerk?
First, you might want to double-check that you’re in a comic shop. Generally though, the biggest thing is don’t talk down to them about the medium. The last thing we want to hear is, “Awww, isn’t that cute,” or, “How come people don’t outgrow these things?”

I stopped drinking six months ago, and I’m having a hard time putting the moves on men while sober; I feel awkward. Any advice?
Have fun with the fact that it’s awkward. Tell them what you’re thinking. Just say, “I think you’re attractive.” Guaranteed, the guy will lighten up right away if he gets a few compliments from you early on.

I sometimes fantasize about watching my girlfriend get it on with another guy. What’s this all about? Would she be horrified if I told her?
That can be a real Pandora’s box. Your trust level in the relationship determines how you should approach this. If you think this is something you want to include in your sex life, not just as fantasy, then it’s all about communication, finding out where she stands. Odds are, if she thinks you’re some sort of sick freak, it’s not going to be the only thing you don’t see eye-to-eye on in the future.

I just started online dating. This guy who seems really nice wrote to me, but he has a beard and piercings, neither of which appeal to me. Should I go out with him once anyway, even though these physical quirks bother me?
No. If you want to change him this early on, then it’s just some sort of demented desperation taking over, and you’re not actually attracted to the guy in the first place. Sure, he may seem like a nice guy, but, in my humble comic-geek opinion, it’s not exactly fair to date someone you’re not attracted to. It’s just asking for trouble in the future.

My best friend and my ex are interested in each other. I’ve told them that it would make me feel weird if they dated, but they keep pressuring me to give them my blessing. How should I handle this?
Brutal honesty. Sit them down separately, tell them why you feel this way and let them know that if they go down that road, you’re not going to offer any sympathy or advice if it blows up in their faces. But after that’s been expressed, I’d say their happiness is more important than you being weirded out. Start asking yourself why it makes you uncomfortable. If it’s jealousy or leftover feelings for the guy, you should bring that up.

Michel, 25

How can I convince my girlfriend to go down on me more often without seeming pushy or demanding?
Just tell her that what you’ve got in your pants is the Hammer of the Mighty Thor, the Mjolnir. Tell her, “Those who are deemed worthy may hold it. Are you worthy?”

What is the best way to remove an unwanted pubic hair from my mouth without ruining the moment?
Dress up as Catwoman and pretend you’re coughing up a hairball. Either that, or play tonsil-hockey until you’ve transferred the hair back to it’s original host.

I don’t get very wet. What can I do to reassure my boyfriend I’m turned on? He always thinks that it’s a sign I’m not into him.
Tell him to spend more time giving you oral pleasure. The extra moisture from the saliva should help give the illusion that you’re wet. Toad has a pretty long tongue and naturally secretes a mucus-type fluid — you should hook up with him.

What is the most sensitive part of a man’s genitals?
The base of the penis and the space between the scrotum and the anus.

I’m a guy. My new girlfriend is bisexual, and has had lots of experience with other women. I’m nervous that my oral-sex skills won’t measure up. Any advice on how to give her head she’ll never forget?
Grow sideburns, and make sure you shampoo and condition them. I suggest Pantene Pro-V hair products. Being a guy, you can’t compete with the soft, sensual touch of a woman, but with sideburns you hold the secret key to giving a woman oral pleasure. The sideburns add an extra sensation while you’re face-deep in your partner’s privates. They tickle the inside lining of the labia, which is why it’s important to keep them soft with shampooing and conditioning. Trust me — I have sideburns and a goatee.

Justin, 33

My new boyfriend’s penis is huge, and it hurts when we have sex. What can we do to keep our sex life hot without damaging me down there?
Blowjobs. Lots of them. Other than that, you might need to take intercourse more slowly. If he’s an understanding, caring lover, he won’t mind not being able to go fast or put it all the way in. I don’t know any guy who doesn’t find it hot to hear from his lover that he’s “big” in a moment of passion, even if it isn’t true.

How can I convince my girlfriend to go down on me more often without seeming pushy or demanding?
I’ve heard this many times, but luckily I don’t have this problem. You may need to go down on her more: I scratch your back, you scratch mine. If she’s not sexually open, or if she finds it disgusting, then you either need to find another girlfriend or suck it up. If she’s sexually open, she could just be insecure and needs some reassurance from you that practice makes perfect.

I want to dress up as a sexy comic superhero and seducing my boyfriend. Any advice?
Holy crap, this is every comic geek’s best fantasy. This is a surefire way to get him turned on. If you don’t know much about comics, just raid his stash to get some ideas. The more serious you are about it, the more he’ll appreciate it.

What if I can’t get access to his stash? How can I wing it?
Most comic geeks don’t fantasize about Broccoli Woman. The easiest thing is to either wear a full spandex suit with things written on it, or dress up as the more iconic supers like Supergirl or Wonder Woman. Even getting a Spider-Man costume will work, just play it off as Spider-Girl. After that, it’s all about role-play. But once you do this, he’ll want it more often, so be prepared.