Sex Advice from Computer Programmers

Q: What’s the best reason to sleep with a programmer? A: If I had to choose one, I'd say 99.9% uptime.

By Kelly Bourdet

Joseph, 25
CollegeHumor

What’s the best thing about sleeping with a computer programmer?
Programmers are not, unfortunately, at the top of the sexual food chain. Any computer programmer you sleep with is going to be grateful for the sex and a little more eager to please you. Their standards are probably a little lower. Cleveland is a beautiful city — if you've only ever seen Detroit.

My roommate’s boyfriend asked me to take a look at his computer. As I was looking around, I found some explicit pictures of him with another girl. They look recent, but I don’t know. Do I tell my roommate?
No. It's only going to complicate things for everyone. If he's screwing around on her, it'll come out eventually. Of course, as an alternative, you could abuse the computer access he gave you, install a keystroke logger, steal the password to his Facebook and find out for certain.

I met a guy on a dating site a year ago and we have a really great internet/phone connection. The problem is that I used a picture of my friend as my avatar. Is this doomed or is there some way to redeem myself?
How similar do you and your friend look? A crash diet, hair treatments, color contacts and the old "Those photos are like a year old lol" excuse might be enough to pull off the biggest lie you could possibly tell your significant other.

I feel super-nervous meeting girls at bars. I always compensate by getting drunk to chill out, but no one wants to go home with the wasted dude. How can I feel more confident without pounding ten shots of Jameson?
Reach into those pants near that dick you're trying to get wet and find your balls. Getting rejected sucks, but it builds up your social immune system. Put yourself out there and trust that you can handle whatever happens. And remember, women dig confidence! Just taking the initiative is going to be attractive.

My girlfriend wants me to get my back waxed. I’m super-hairy, and she says it’s a turn-off. I say there’s too much pain involved. How can I convince her to let it go?
Suggest she get her delicates waxed as well. If she refuses, you have just cause to refuse a back waxing. If she accepts — worth it.

I keep getting dumped or blown-off by guys I meet online. My self-esteem is taking a huge hit. Am I right to be bummed, or are online relationships more superficial by nature?
You can learn a lot about someone from a few lines of text on a profile or in an email, but until you meet in person, you can't be sure that there is any chemistry. You're probably just on an unlucky streak (or considerably less attractive than your pictures).

I think my girlfriend has an amazing body and whenever I see her naked, I want to compliment her, without sounding lame and horny. What’s a hot, yet appropriate, thing to say?
Avoid specifics. Scientifically speaking, women hate 99% of their bodies. Instead, offer vague compliments and pretend like the intensity of the experience is preventing you from forming a more cohesive thought. Something like, "Holy shit, wow, you're kind of ridiculous."

I hate having sex with quiet people. What's a nice way to tell them to make some noise?
Make it a compliment: "I think it's so hot to hear you enjoy it." Some people might feel exposed when they’re more vocal, so give them a safe environment to let loose in. Also, knifeplay.

After having a lot to drink, I hooked up with my coworker at the company holiday party. We’re not awkward about it, and now I realize that I actually like her. I’m hesitant because we have to work together. Are office romances always a dumb idea?
Office romances are great, though the British versions are better.