Advice

Sex Advice From Computer Programmers

Pin it

Q: What’s the best reason to sleep with a programmer? A: If I had to choose one, I'd say 99.9% uptime.

JosephJoseph, 25
CollegeHumor

What’s the best thing about sleeping with a computer programmer?
Programmers are not, unfortunately, at the top of the sexual food chain. Any computer programmer you sleep with is going to be grateful for the sex and a little more eager to please you. Their standards are probably a little lower. Cleveland is a beautiful city — if you've only ever seen Detroit.

My roommate’s boyfriend asked me to take a look at his computer. As I was looking around, I found some explicit pictures of him with another girl. They look recent, but I don’t know. Do I tell my roommate?
No. It's only going to complicate things for everyone. If he's screwing around on her, it'll come out eventually. Of course, as an alternative, you could abuse the computer access he gave you, install a keystroke logger, steal the password to his Facebook and find out for certain.

I met a guy on a dating site a year ago and we have a really great internet/phone connection. The problem is that I used a picture of my friend as my avatar. Is this doomed or is there some way to redeem myself?
How similar do you and your friend look? A crash diet, hair treatments, color contacts and the old "Those photos are like a year old lol" excuse might be enough to pull off the biggest lie you could possibly tell your significant other.

I feel super-nervous meeting girls at bars. I always compensate by getting drunk to chill out, but no one wants to go home with the wasted dude. How can I feel more confident without pounding ten shots of Jameson?
Reach into those pants near that dick you're trying to get wet and find your balls. Getting rejected sucks, but it builds up your social immune system. Put yourself out there and trust that you can handle whatever happens. And remember, women dig confidence! Just taking the initiative is going to be attractive.

My girlfriend wants me to get my back waxed. I’m super-hairy, and she says it’s a turn-off. I say there’s too much pain involved. How can I convince her to let it go?
Suggest she get her delicates waxed as well. If she refuses, you have just cause to refuse a back waxing. If she accepts — worth it.

I keep getting dumped or blown-off by guys I meet online. My self-esteem is taking a huge hit. Am I right to be bummed, or are online relationships more superficial by nature?
You can learn a lot about someone from a few lines of text on a profile or in an email, but until you meet in person, you can't be sure that there is any chemistry. You're probably just on an unlucky streak (or considerably less attractive than your pictures).

I think my girlfriend has an amazing body and whenever I see her naked, I want to compliment her, without sounding lame and horny. What’s a hot, yet appropriate, thing to say?
Avoid specifics. Scientifically speaking, women hate 99% of their bodies. Instead, offer vague compliments and pretend like the intensity of the experience is preventing you from forming a more cohesive thought. Something like, "Holy shit, wow, you're kind of ridiculous."

I hate having sex with quiet people. What's a nice way to tell them to make some noise?
Make it a compliment: "I think it's so hot to hear you enjoy it." Some people might feel exposed when they’re more vocal, so give them a safe environment to let loose in. Also, knifeplay.

After having a lot to drink, I hooked up with my coworker at the company holiday party. We’re not awkward about it, and now I realize that I actually like her. I’m hesitant because we have to work together. Are office romances always a dumb idea?
Office romances are great, though the British versions are better.

MichaelMichael, 25

What’s the best thing about sleeping with a computer programmer?
They’ll begrudgingly help you with your computer issues. That might also mean "help" in ways you don’t intend, like magically waking up finding your MacBook dual-booting Ubuntu.

My roommate’s boyfriend asked me to take a look at his computer. As I was looking around, I found some explicit pictures of him with another girl. They look recent but I don’t know. Do I tell my roommate?
Oof. Before jumping to conclusions, get hard proof. Look for the EXIF data on the pictures. Google search for “how to view exif”. Most cameras record the date pictures are taken and store this as data in the image file. If you no longer have access to the computer and pictures, I recommend leaving it alone. Assuming that he’s careless enough to let you have access to them, I’m sure your friend could probably stumble onto them her/himself. You don’t want to make accusations without knowing all the facts.

I feel super-nervous meeting girls at bars. I always compensate by getting drunk to chill out, but no one wants to go home with the wasted dude. How can I feel more confident without pounding ten shots of Jameson?
Try finding a wingman. Preferably someone you know who has done it before and doesn’t mine stepping back to let you take the reins. He can help you start up the conversation to get over the initial fear and probably after enough times, you’ll be comfortable enough to take the jump alone. I think you can fit a skydiving analogy into that somehow.

I found my boyfriend in pictures with a bunch of other girls on a party photographer's website. Should I confront him about it, or play it cool?
Go for it Dexter-style. Wrap him in plastic wrap when he’s asleep, and then when he wakes up, make sure the photos are printed out and viewable by him when he wakes up. If he has a good reason, you can have some really fun makeup sex in plastic wrap. Don’t kill him though.

After having a lot to drink, I hooked up with my coworker at the company holiday party. We’re not awkward about it, and now I realize that I actually like her. I’m hesitant because we have to work together. Are office romances always a dumb idea?
Not always. It would be ideal if you worked in different departments. If you’re not on the same floor, or in a different department, you don’t really have that problem. But generally, I’d say if it isn’t against company policy, go for it. Regretting that you never found out if it would work is no fun.

I think my girlfriend has an amazing body and whenever I see her naked, I want to compliment her, without sounding lame and horny. What’s a hot, yet appropriate, thing to say?
I’m probably misquoting, but once I heard my friend yell, “You’re so fucking hot!” to his girlfriend through the door. It was definitely appropriate. I think the best way to compliment her is to listen to what she wants and give her the time of her life. Or maybe just keep saying, “holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit” with your eyes open really wide.

I hate having sex with quiet people. What's a nice way to tell them to make some noise?
Make a lot of noise yourself. People have a tendency to mimic each other. Maybe shout some questions that deserve responses.

JoshJosh, 25
Hipstamatic

What’s the best thing about sleeping with a computer programmer?
There are so many good things it's hard to narrow it down to "best." I mean, we strive for maximum performance and high customizability while maintaining our focus on the end user experience. But if I had to choose, I'd say 99.9% uptime.

I met a guy on an dating site a year ago and we have a really great internet/ phone connection. The problem is that I used a picture of my friend as my avatar. Is this doomed or is there some way to redeem myself?
This sounds like the plot for a really awful romantic comedy. The vulnerable Lindsay Lohan sits in front of her computer, typing to the hot hunky man of her dreams (Freddie Prinze, Jr.). and we cut to her staring in the mirror with tears dripping down her poor pouty cheeks. And impulsively she sends him a picture of Paris Hilton, and the rest is a $200 million Hollywood trainwreck.

Anyway, come clean, and do it ASAP. Sit him down (over the internet) and say: "Listen, I haven't been 100% honest. That profile picture of me isn't actually me, it's my friend. I'm sorry I lied, and this is what I actually look like. I'm hot too, but I'm definitely not her." Yeah, he might break up with you anyway — but you're not who you claimed to be, and he's gonna find out eventually. And who knows, he might love you anyway, and this could end up just a funny story to tell the grandkids.

My girlfriend wants me to get my back waxed. I’m super-hairy and she says it’s a turn-off. I say there’s too much pain involved. How can I convince her to let it go?
Tell her that you're cool with her not shaving or putting on makeup. After all, if you're not going to try to be attractive, why should she?

There's really this horrible misconception out there that girls have to do all the work to make themselves beautiful, while all guys have to do is lie back on the couch and pound beers until their eyes cross. That's a great way to discover what the single life is like again. If you want her to stay pretty for you, you have to stay pretty for her. Get your damn back waxed if that's what it takes, cry a big manly tear if it's really that painful, and be glad she doesn't want you to be totally smooth.

I keep getting dumped or blown-off by guys I meet online. My self-esteem is taking a huge hit. Am I right to be bummed, or are online relationships more superficial by nature?
Being bummed when you hit rejection is a natural reaction. After all, you're putting yourself out there: you should expect to be treated with dignity and respect, and honestly, that happens a lot less than it should on the internet. If you know the person in real life, you'll get a phone call or at least an email when the flame's gone out. Online, you're much more likely to be dropped like a live hand grenade.

That said, not everyone on the internet is a dick. There are nice guys out there, so I would encourage you not to give up. Still, I would analyze what you're doing a little bit too. Are you using honest pictures of yourself? You aren't busting out the "babies, future, commitment" trifecta on the second date, are you? I'm not saying this is your fault, but online relationships generally start a lot more casual than real relationships. Approach them that way and I think you'll enjoy more success.

I think my girlfriend has an amazing body and whenever I see her naked, I want to compliment her, without sounding lame and horny. What’s a hot, yet appropriate, thing to say?
"You are absolutely gorgeous." Delivery is important: you have to sound one-hundred-percent sincere, which given how you're talking about her, doesn't sound like it should be difficult.

I hate having sex with quiet people. What's a nice way to tell them to make some noise?
You could always try the ol' chestnut "Talk dirty to me." Unfortunately, there's no good way before or during to tell your partner that you want to hear squealing loud enough to disturb the neighbors. The mediocre way is to pause from the action and say something like, "Moan louder!" But honestly, that's just as likely to fail as succeed. I find it's best to always talk about what you'd wished happened afterwards, and spice your critiques up with compliments: "What you did there was absolutely crazy! I didn't know it was even possible. But what I really liked is when you started moaning. I want to hear lots more of that, and even louder, next time."

After having a lot to drink, I hooked up with my coworker at the company holiday party. We’re not awkward about it, and now I realize that I actually like her. I’m hesitant because we have to work together. Are office romances always a dumb idea?
I think that's a stereotype that's lingered from our parents' generation, where office romances were the hushed secrets of CEOs and secretaries. Nowadays I don't see any problem with it. After all, you spend eight hours a day with these people: becoming attracted to them is normal and natural. There was a cute designer at one of my previous gigs, and we hooked up, and it wound up just peachy. But it's important to lay out what you want from this relationship: just a little bit of action, or is it something more? Because office breakups are kind of intense and setting expectations early is the key to avoiding disaster later.