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Sex Advice From . . . Construction Workers

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Warhol said that everyone can be famous for fifteen minutes. Nerve believes anyone can be a sexpert for at least thirty seconds. Picture, if you will, an off-season island paradise populated almost entirely by men in pickups. Gather ’round as the construction workers of Martha’s Vineyard (known locally as “nail bangers”) open their hearts, minds, and toolboxes.

Harrison (above), stonemason, 32

What’s the best way to touch a nipple?
Very softly. No pinching, no squeezing. Unless it’s requested.

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My boyfriend is a spoiled baby when it comes to oral sex. I go down on him every day, but when I ask him to reciprocate, he only says “someday.” How can I make “someday” come sooner?
You simply stop. Don’t give it to him anymore. That’s ridiculous.

Is it sexy when a thong shows out the back of a woman’s pants?
Yeah, but it’s much cooler if it happens when you’re bending over to pick up your napkin or something. Then it feels like a special treat.

Your neighbors have noisy sex, and you can hear them all night long. What’s an effective way to handle the situation?
Maybe with an air horn.

What’s the most tantalizing article of clothing to keep on during sex?
A collar or something. Nothing that will inflict pain, but maybe something with a little black leather. Something a little dirty.

Share some tips on the lost art of the handjob.
Women don’t realize that the grip is always tighter than you think. Probably go a little quicker. And use two hands, definitely. One for — I just watched Old School, so — one for “the stepchildren.”

Is there a particular scene in a movie that gets your motor running?
There’s a movie called Ten Little Maidens from the golden age of porn — before porn went to video. It has an orgy scene with six or eight couples at a big dinner. Some people are really put off by it, but it really amuses me.

Brady, roofer, 30

How often is it appropriate to talk to your ex once you’ve started dating someone new?
If something ends badly, with kicking and screaming and blood and restraining orders, you’re probably not going to be spending much time on the phone anyway, unless you’re talking to a lawyer.

What’s the ideal situation in which to initiate a first kiss?
When the time’s right, I usually ask. It might seem kind of cold, but it’s always better to ask than go in and get the "ugaah!" It’s significantly less embarrassing to say, "Is it all right if I kiss you?"

When starting a new relationship, how can a person encourage their partner to be more communicative about likes and dislikes?
Just ask them. And ask them as often as it takes.

What is the best position for performing oral sex on a woman?
I’ve always been a big fan of the 69 thing.

What’s the most tantalizing article of clothing for your partner to keep on during sex?
High heels. Boots, mostly. Black leather. They can get a little dangerous though.

How so?
Oh, getting hit in the head — things of that nature.

How many dates would you suggest a woman wait before jumping into bed with someone new?
Dates? How about an hour or so after you meet them? No, two or three weeks is good. Otherwise, you end up having sex with somebody too early, then there’s no mystery and you spend time getting to know each other and all you want to do is have sex. Or else you spend all your time having sex just because you know you can.

Which would be hardest for you to go without for a year: oral sex, penetration, or beer?
Probably beer. Masturbation simulates sex better than non-alcoholic beer simulates beer.

Is there a particular passage in a book or scene in a movie that gets your motor running?
There’s about a ten page stretch in [Henry Miller’s] Sexus that does — except for the part where he talks about fucking his wife like a dead horse.

Scott, foreman, 41

Should a woman get angry if the guy she’s dating checks out other women?
I know women that actually will poke their husbands and say, "Do you think she’s pretty?" so I think it really depends. I mean, all guys are going to do it, even if you don’t catch them. It’s like looking at a painting or a sunset.

What’s the ideal situation in which to initiate a first kiss?
I’m more the romantic type. I rarely kiss someone on a first date, but on the second date, toward the end of the night, maybe I’d walk them to their door and kiss them there.

What’s the best way to touch a nipple?
With your tongue.

Would you ever spank someone the first time you were having sex with them?
A really good female friend of mine told me that’s abuse. It all depends on what the other person wants, but I’d play it safe the first time.

What’s the most tantalizing article of clothing for your partner to keep on during sex?
I will always like a silk teddy. It shows a little bit, but not enough.

My boyfriend of six months broke up with me via a text message. No email, no phone call, no nothing. How can I get back at him?
That’s cold. If he has a new girlfriend, I’d call when he was home alone with her and leave messages like, "Last night was wonderful!"

Would you ever date someone who had cheated on her last boyfriend to be with you?
I wouldn’t knowingly do it, only because I’d feel they’d do the same thing to me. But a lot of times they don’t tell you until you’re already in the relationship, so what do you do, break up because of it?

We’ve been dating and living together for three years, and now it seems like we’re an old married couple. We eat dinner in front of the TV and do the crossword in bed. How do you know if it’s over?
I know a lot of married couples who don’t have sex anymore, or maybe every six months. But you can spice it up — change your hair color, change your clothes, play games. If you feel like you’re wasting your time, though, get out of there and meet someone else.

Shaun, carpenter, 26

In bed, how much noise is too much?
Oh, there’s never too much noise, ever. Never ever ever.

My boyfriend is a spoiled baby when it comes to oral sex. I go down on him every day, but when I ask him to reciprocate he says “someday."
You need to get another boyfriend — that’s retarded! Any guy who doesn’t like to go down on a girl is from another planet, as far as I’m concerned.

I had one too many cocktails and accidentally made out with a colleague after a work party. How do I deal interoffice awkwardness?
What industry are we talking about? Because if it’s one of my buddies that I bang nails with, [laughing] it probably wouldn’t work out.

What is the best position for performing oral sex on a woman?
Sit on my face and tell me you love me.

My boyfriend of six months broke up with me via a text message. No email, no phone call, no nothing. How can I get back at him?
Just leave it alone. If he’s got no balls to call you in the first place, you’re better off not hanging around with him anyway.

How do you manage sex in the shower when the guy’s taller than the girl?
Pick her up. She can put her feet up on the side of the tub, too, but you pick her right up.

I’m looking for tips on the lost art of the handjob.
The key is definitely moisture. Make it slide. None of this fucking sandpaper action. That pull and tug makes you want to say, "All right sweetie, stop. Leave it alone, please, you’re breaking it."

If an alien with bionic sex powers were to drop from the sky, perform any one sex act with/on you, then disappear forever, what would you want that sex act to be?
‘d want every orifice, as much as possible, for as long as possible.  

Interviews by Emily Mead.

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