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Sex Advice from . . . Country Musicians

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Kara Suzanne, 28
Karasuzanne.com

What’s the sexiest country song of all time?
“We’ll Sweep Out the Ashes in the Morning” by Gram Parsons and Emmylou Harris. It’s about how their love is so on fire that they have to sweep the ashes out of the bedroom in the morning.

How can I get a country musician to notice me from the stage?
Outlandish clothes are always good. One time when I was performing there was this really hot girl who had this amazing outfit on. It was like this little short shirt with a huge cowboy hat with feathers and snakeskin boots that went all the way up to her mid-thigh. It was the weirdest thing I’d ever seen, but it was an attention grabber.

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What’s the sexiest musical instrument?
The guitar, for sure. The bigger guitar the better. Also, the upright bass — that’s a real sexy instrument.

When I was home for Christmas, I kissed an old boyfriend. Do I need to tell my current boyfriend?
If it doesn’t mean anything, don’t tell him. If you open your mouth and tell him about something that doesn’t mean anything, it can ruin things.

How do I reacclimate myself to the dating world after a three-year relationship?
You put on your best cowboy boots, go out and get sloshed. Meet people. That’s the only thing you can do.

I’m a city girl who wants to impress a country boy. What should I load on my iPod?
Anything by Merle Haggard or Waylon Jennings. And of course Johnny Cash. But Merle Haggard — for some reason, the working man just loves Haggard.

Are you worried that those tight jeans will affect your man’s sperm count?
I think male country singers actually wear tight jeans so they won’t have so many children floating around.

My boyfriend doesn’t like to go down on me. What can I do?
I say get a vibrator. That’s the only way. If he doesn’t like giving it, there’s no way you’re going to change him. Plus, I can’t get it from somebody who doesn’t like giving it. I can’t enjoy myself if I know the person giving it to me isn’t into it.

Alex, 34
myspace.com/whiskyrebellion

What’s the sexiest country song of all time?
Jewel’s version of “Someday Soon” with Garth Brooks. She does this thing with that song — the line, “He loves that damned ol’ rodeo as much as he loves me,” she fucking nails it.

I’ve been out on three great dates with a guy I really like, but he hasn’t made a move on me yet. What’s up?
Six words: “He’s Just Not That Into You” — a book I’ve actually read. I found it in a train station on a bench. I read it and I was like, “Wow.” You kind of only need to read ten pages, then you can throw the damn thing away. That’s probably why I found it on that bench.

What’s the best way to get a country musician to go home with me?
Rub up against him at the jukebox.

What country song can teach us the most about sex?
“Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw” by Jimmy Buffett.

How do I reacclimate myself to the dating world after a three year relationship?
The first thing you have to do is get drunk in a bar and make out with someone totally random. That’s absolutely paramount. No negotiation. Otherwise you’re going to go looking for romance and get yourself into another three-year relationship before you know it.

I really want to make a tape of my boyfriend and me having sex but he’s not into it. How can I make him more comfortable with the idea?
Start with a digital camera. Or little movies on the digital camera that you can both see together. Then delete them together. Paris Hilton could get her hands on your tape and that would be trouble.

How can I get a country musician to notice me from the stage?
It’s all about eye contact, baby. But I’m sure that’s true about every musician. And get up close. And, you know — have cleavage. But those are the three things to get anyone to notice you, country musician or otherwise.


Miss Mamie, 27
myspace.com/theroulettesisters

What’s the best way to get a country musician to go home with me?
It would involve a shot of whiskey and a reference to early Merle Haggard. Anything that sort of highlights your real country music chops — maybe a quote from one of those Johnny Cash live prison concerts.

What’s the sexiest musical instrument?
Definitely the drums. Playing the drums is really a physical, full-body, music-making experience. I love watching drummers. Plus, it’s the sweatiest instrument, though I do get pretty sweaty playing the guitar.

Are you worried your man’s tight jeans will affect his sperm count?
I think that we [women] make up for it by over-producing estrogen when we see men in tight jeans. My first strong sexual attraction was to David Bowie wearing those gray spandex pants in Labyrinth. Those ridiculously stuffed, shiny spandex pants…

I’ve been out on three great dates with a guy I really like, but he hasn’t made a move on me yet. What’s up?
If he keeps wanting to go out, you have to assume he’s into you. Maybe he’s just really shy. But it sounds like it’s overdue for you to make the first move — at this point, you absolutely need to make the first move yourself.

What’s the best lesson about sex that we can take from a country song?
“Shake it but don’t break it, ’cause it took your mama nine months to make it.” That’s from Bukka White, an old blues player from Arkansas.

How do I reacclimate myself to the dating world after a three year relationship?
Just reacquaint yourself with yourself. Start over really leading the kind of life that makes you happy. The rest will work itself out. A low neckline never hurt, either.

How can I get a country musician to notice me from the stage?
I’d like to think that it doesn’t involve flashing your tits, but it probably does.

What’s the sexiest country song of all time?
“Ring of Fire.” June Carter and Johnny Cash both lusting after each other, both married to other people, falling into this burning ring of each other. It’s really beautiful.

I heard the “Ring of Fire” is about the clap.
Way to trivialize a beautiful song. But yeah, I’ve heard it’s about the clap, too.

Andrew, 25
myspace.com/andrewschmidtmusic

What’s the sexiest country song of all time?
“Good Hearted Woman” by Waylon Jennings. It’s someone seeing all your faults, appreciating them and getting over them.

How do you know when it’s time to end a relationship?
When you lose trust. I don’t even have a problem with the excitement not being there, but when trust goes to hell, it’s like you don’t know the person anymore.

How do I re-acclimate myself to the dating world after a three year relationship?
Don’t worry about hurting other people’s feelings. Just have a lot of fun.

I’ve been out on three great dates with a guy I really like, but he hasn’t made a move on me yet. What should I do?
Date another guy. That’s boring. Three dates is way too long.

I’m a city girl who wants to impress a country boy. What should I load on my iPod?
The classics. Johnny Cash, Loretta Lynn, Hank Williams and some Bob Dylan. Pretty much all kinds of songs about breakups and love and anger and hate — that’s really what country music is all about.

What’s the sexiest musical instrument?
The guitar is obviously sexy, but I’ll tell you right now that when I see a good-looking woman playing an instrument that’s not the guitar, it excites me. It means she’s taken the time to learn a different instrument and it means she’s really devoted to music. Especially the accordion — that’s a hard instrument to learn.

What’s one thing that can really turn a country musician off?
When you pull out an old LP of something you really love and put it on, and the other person calls it antiquated. It happened to me once, and from that point on I decided that the song my partner has to love is “Last Letter.” The important part of it asks, “Will you be happy when you are withered and old?” If she can’t answer yes to that question then we’re not compatible. I plan on being a happy old guy with a happy old wife in a happy old house.  

Interviews by Emily Farris. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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