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Sex Advice from . . . Cowboys

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Just as Warhol said that everyone can be famous for fifteen minutes, Nerve believes that anyone can be a sexpert for at least thirty seconds. This is the first installment of a series in which we ask average citizens — all representatives of a specific walk of life — to school us on various matters down-and-dirty. The following interviews were conducted with ranchers that work in the hills of Central California.

Tom, age 59 (shown above)

Where’s the best place to engage in outdoor sex?
Just about anywhere. I’ve done it in the creek, I’ve done it on horse blankets. I’ve done it in the long grass, got thorns in my ass. Hell, once I smoothed out pine needles and threw her down right there. Boy, I tell ya, I’ve done it all outside. On a horse one time, too. I just had her sit on my lap and got the horse in a trot. Shit, man, it worked real good.

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A male friend of mine is having a hard time making his girlfriend come. What’s your advice for him?
First of all, he should give her to me. Because, goddamn, I’d lick her cross-eyed.

What’s your no-fail cunnilingus technique?
I just do it every way I can. I just love eatin’ it and I never stop. There ain’t no way you can’t do it good. If you’re lookin’ for advice, I’d say lick her from the asshole on up.

What’s a good way to initiate a threesome?
Sweet-talk ’em.

That’s all there is to it?
Just tell ’em, “Hey, I can take care of both of you. Oh, you don’t believe me? Just try me.” That just about ought to do it. But of course, then you got to prove it.

What food should a man eat to ensure his virility?
Plenty of steak and eggs. Make sure that the eggs are runny and the steaks bloody. That’ll keep the lead in your pencil.

My girlfriend is afraid to try anal sex. How can I encourage her?
Hmm, that’s a tricky one. There was this one time I talked this girl into trying it. She said okay, so I’m lickin’ her and lickin’ her, I got it all juiced up good. Then I go to put it in. I had her underneath me. I poked her pretty hard, ’cause it wasn’t goin’ in good. She shot right out of my arms, hit her head on the headboard and said, “That’s it.” She wouldn’t let me do it no more. So I don’t know, boy, what can I tell ya? Some of ’em will, some of ’em won’t. I guess you just gotta sweet talk ’em.

How would you react if a woman asked to penetrate you with a strap-on?
[looks momentarily confused] Oh! You mean she has a . . . [makes two-handed gesture for penis] Shit, I dunno. I have no idea on that, son. She better worry if I get a hold of that thing first.

Any other words of wisdom?
Well, [crosses arms and looks over yonder] I’d say patience. Boy, I tell you: you know what they say about it being a virtue? Well, it’s true. You just got to lick ‘er and slick ‘er, then broom-grab her ’til she hollers.

Larry, 47

Why do women like country guys?
‘Cause city guys is pansies, mostly.

What’s a no-fail seduction line?
I dunno. Probably “Let me show you my fingers.” [Holds up two remaining fingers on his left hand.]

That works?
It has done.

Where’s the best place to engage in outdoor sex?
The beach, the woods, maybe in a treehouse.

What’s the best way to get two women in bed with you?
You’ll have to ask Larry about that one. Shit. Where you from anyhow?

A male friend of mine is having a hard time making his girlfriend come. What would you suggest to him?
He should give her to his friend.

Okay . . . well, say he really wants to make her come himself.
Don’t go to bed with your damn socks on. Buy her nice underwear. Like . . . silk.

What’s your no-fail technique for oral sex?
Grab her by the pigtails or ears.

How would you react if a woman asked to penetrate you with a strap-on?
I’d grab my gun. If she was using it on her girlfriend, that would be a different story entirely. But on me? Well shit, man, that just ain’t gonna fly. Do you do that?

Haven’t yet.
Glad to hear it. Shit, you from Massachusetts?

Peter, 39 (far right)

What sex tips can city guys learn from the men of the West?
Mostly manners. Some real fuckin’, probably. I can’t say for sure.

What’s a no-fail seduction line?
Tell ’em you got a big truck and a big dick.

What should men do to make sure they last all night?
Don’t drink too much, and don’t drink too little.

Where’s the best place to have sex outdoors?
Anywheres no one can see you.

What’s the best way to initate a threesome?
Buy ’em some drugs.

A male friend of mine is having a hard time making his girlfriend come. What would you suggest to him?
Try lickin’ her a little longer, she’ll come a lot quicker.

What’s the best way for a man to maintain his virility?
Exercise.

Would you be cool with bending over and getting fucked by a woman wearing a strap-on dildo?
Not in the least. I’d take the knife from my boot and cut the motherfucker off.

Max, 51 (above left)

What’s the best way to coax a woman back to your place for sex?
You just tell ’em, “I got a bigger truck than the next guy and more money.”

The best place to engage in outdoor sex?
It could be on the hood of a Corvette. See, there’s not enough room to have sex on the inside of a Corvette. Those sports cars are too small to get laid in, but you get laid just about as soon as you get out.

What’s the best way to initate a threesome?
The most important thing to remember here is that you got to take care not to make the other one jealous. Believe me, that’ll happen. Oftentimes it’s a recipe for disaster. Still a lot of goddamn fun though, I can tell you that for shit sure.

A male friend of mine is having a hard time making his girlfriend come. What would you suggest to him?
Take a little more time. Do what you’re doin’, but take three times as long to do it all.

What’s a no-fail cunnilingus technique?
Give a few minutes of the long licks. Ass to belly button. Then spread her a little wider, lick her a little quicker making sure to keep a constant motion. Maybe dig your chin in her pussy a little bit. Make sure you shave, though.

How would you react if a woman asked to penetrate you with a strap-on?
Don’t listen to those other guys. They’d never admit to it, but I’ll bet that if a good-lookin’ woman wanted to stick ’em they’d say, “What the hell?” They ain’t telling you the whole truth! These motherfuckers lie all the time.

There’s the truth, and then there’s the truth you wouldn’t tell in front of your drinking buddies.
Ain’t that the truth! 

Interviews by Grant Stoddard. Photos by Brian Battjer.

Do you have sex-advice questions for video-rental cashiers, record-store clerks, manicurists, actors, or any other members of the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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