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Sex Advice From Danny McBride
The star of HBO's Eastbound & Down on role-playing, sleeping with coworkers, and the fastest route to his heart.
by Peter Malamud Smith
I got drunk and cheated on my girlfriend of three years. It was a one-time thing, and I feel like an asshole. Do I tell her?
I mean, you're going to hell anyway, so, might as well be happy now. Don't tell her. Keep it to yourself. I'm sure it won't cause any trouble at all. Live a lie. That will work.
We're visiting my boyfriend's parents for a week. What are some ground rules we should set for having sex in their house?
Make sure the parents are at least in the next room. You don't want to do anything in front of them. But depending on how old they are, and if the walls are thick, go for it.
I'm dating a girl who likes it rough, but I feel weird being overly aggressive during sex. How can I relax and enjoy it more?
By... stop being a pussy. She likes it rough, give her what she wants!
My boyfriend and I want to role-play, but all the usual scenarios like teacher/student and boss/secretary seem too cliché. What else could we do?
Maybe try knight and paladin. Maybe you should do some Dungeons & Dragons and see if that amps it up a little.
Maybe Kenny Powers and April Buchanon?
Big shoes to fill!
I like watching porn during sex, but I've always been slow to introduce it in the bedroom because it might freak my date out. Should I be worrying about this so much, or should I go ahead and pop in a DVD?
Break the ice. Pop in the DVD. But maybe start with something that's just, you know, man-on-woman kind of stuff. It might be good to start with something like a Cinemax movie.
I never can remember the names of those films.
I had a bad breakup a year ago, and can't quite seem to get back into dating. How can I stop self-sabotaging and get over my fears?
You just got to man up. You've got to get over those fears. I mean, nobody wants to date a fuckin' wimp who's crying about his ex-girlfriend. Trust me, because I've been that guy, and it doesn't work. No story — it's the story of I think everyone who's been heartbroken: any chance you possibly have to meet someone else, you waste it by babbling about how terrible your ex is, and you go home that night alone and sad. Not good. Maybe you should contact that couple who wants to do the role-playing. Maybe you can get involved in some kind of threesome just to get back on your feet again. Nerve, connect ‘em.
There's this girl I really like, but once we got in the sack, the sex turned out to be awful. Is she a lost cause?
Yes. It feels like that stuff gets lame the longer you're with someone. If it's already lame at the beginning, I can only imagine where it's going to end up. You want to play the waiting game, go for it. I would keep walking.
I'm dating someone out of my league. How can I not get dumped?
Just be really insecure any time she's talking to somebody else. Get mad a lot, start a lot of arguments because of your insecurities. That usually works in keeping a girl that's hotter than you.
Have you ever been in that situation?
No. I always choose girls that are ranked appropriately.
I hooked up with my coworker while drunk at an office party, but I'm not interested in dating her. What should I do now?
Kind of too late. You already took a shit where you eat, homeboy. That's not a good thing. Just ride out the awkwardness. See how weird it'll get, and maybe she'll quit. Make things weirder. Push it a little. Maybe send flowers to her from an anonymous person. Just start coming off like a stalker.
What's the best way to pick up Danny McBride?
With a tall shot of tequila and some tasty tacos. That's the way right to my heart.