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Sex Advice From Deli Employees

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Patricia, 17

Have you ever had sex with someone in the deli?
Yes, I did. I didn’t get to use anything from the salad bar, because he wasn’t up for it. So I kicked him out.

Ever seen someone have sex in the shop?
Definitely not. I’m the only one allowed to have sex in the deli.

My friend swears oysters make him horny. What is the best aphrodisiac you sell?
Spotted dicks. It’s a British import. They make me hornier than a dog in heat.

Since you can’t sell wine or hard alcohol, what’s your favorite beer/wine cooler/alcoholic energy drink of choice to get your mate all boozed up?

Colt 45. It’s cheap and tastes like piss, but a couple of sips and you’re blasted in two minutes.

I think my girlfriend dresses too cheap. What should I say to her?
Tell her she dresses like your mother. Girlfriends hate being compared to your mothers. Then take her shopping and buy her something classy.

I’m having trouble maintaining an erection during sex because I’m distracted by work. How can I get my mind off work and keep my juices flowing?
Have sex while at work, and work during sex.

In general, do you think deli employees get enough sexual credit?
Deli people are super sexy, especially the Arab women. They have great asses.

What are your favorite tricks of the trade regarding oral sex?
For women, first lick from the base of the vulva to the clit, back and forth very slowly. Then after awhile start using rapid movements, a tongue flicker, directly on the clit.

What music do you like listening to while having sex? Why? How does this enhance your sexual experience?
My Bloody Valentine, Blonde Redhead, The Jesus and Mary Chain and sometimes Ani DiFranco. Slow, shoegazer rock heightens things by creating an ambience, a sexual energy that fills the room. Ani DiFranco usually heightens an experience that’s emotional and loving.

I’m a big advocate of anonymous casual sex in parks. Is this shameful?
Yeah. One time I got really drunk and hooked up with this guy who had total beer breath. I thought he was totally harmless, but my friend swears it was a homeless guy.

How can I enhance the size of my penis?
Prayer. You better pray for it, because there are no quick fixes.

How do you feel about golden showers? Classic or dud?
Personally, I think golden showers are better to give than to receive. They really suck when the giver is slightly dehydrated. You can never get the stink out.

How do you like to be treated in bed? Tenderly? Rough? Do you role play?

I like to be treated like a baby — nursed and rocked and bathed.

How often an hour do you think of sex while working at the deli?
Every half-hour or so.

Antonio, 38

Have you ever seen someone have sex in your deli? Did you watch or kick them out?
Of course I’ve watched. One time I taped it. I’m thinking of selling it on the internet.

What food item do you sell that would be best for sexual use?
Mayo. Hellman’s. It’s quality.

My father told me once that oysters really do make him horny. What is the biggest aphrodisiac you sell?

Do you think shrimp would do the trick? We have shrimp.

If your dream person came walking into your deli, how would you woo them under the harsh overhead lighting?
I would definitely ask them if they had tried our vast selection of meats.

How often do you get hit on at work?
At least once a week. All sorts, too — women, men, every type of person.

How can I enhance the size of my penis?

If it’s small, it’s small. Live with it. Myths are myths, and it’s not going to get any bigger. Sorry!

Is it better to be treated tenderly or roughly in bed? Do you ever wear your apron for fun?
I definitely like it rough. Are you kidding me? An apron? That’s entirely out of the question.

How often an hour do you think of sex while working at the deli?
About five times an hour. Mostly about going home and having sex there.

Juan, 29

Have you ever had sex with someone in the deli? Did you use anything from the shop?
Yes, I do it as often as possible. But it’s a busy joint, so finishing is mostly out of the question.

Have you ever seen someone have sex in your deli? Did you watch or kick them out?
There better not be anyone screwing in here. Only the cats. Do the cats count?

My girlfriend wants to have a threesome with another man, but I’m nervous about that power dynamic. How can I calm my nerves?

Smoke a joint, then smoke a real blunt with my Rastafarian brothers. After you get high, you will have no problem being controlled.

What product do you sell that’s best for self-stimulation?
I believe Dawn dish liquid will serve all purposes. It can lube, and the bottle can stimulate. It’s definitely a two-in-one.

A friend insists that oysters make him horny. What is the biggest aphrodisiac that you sell?
Horny Goat Weed. It comes in a package. Let me know if it works.

Have you ever tried Tantric sex?
Tantric what? [Explanation follows.] Sex is only for fun! If I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come.

Joanne, 24

Have you ever seen someone have sex in your deli? Did you watch or kick them out?
I haven’t. My coworkers don’t do anything because they’re all men, and I don’t think they like each other like that. Sometimes I see some customers making out and stuff, but no sex.

What is the best aphrodisiac you sell?

We have a pill called Vigora. But we don’t sell many of them, because most people just laugh and think they aren’t real. But there are some guys who swear by it.

Since you can’t sell wine or hard alcohol, what’s your favorite beer/wine cooler/alcoholic energy drink to get your mate all boozed up?
I have to say mix Red Bull with Guinness. It may not taste that great, but they’re gonna get fucked up. People I know do it all the time; they say it works well.

How horny do you get during the night shift, and how do you control your urges?
The night shift is usually the busiest one, so I’m usually very distracted. I don’t really even have time to think about it, let alone do something about it.

Do you get hit on at work?
Oh, yeah, it happens all the time. They say all sorts of things like, “Oh you’re really pretty”, “I like what I see” or “sexy lady”. I try not to get mad, but once I slapped a guy. He just kept trying to touch me and take pictures of me, and he’s married and has kids! So I slapped him. I don’t want that kind of drama in my life.

Orgies: yea or nay?
I’ve never had one. They’re definitely interesting to me from afar. The chance of having multiple people at the same time, one giving oral sex, another having intercourse, someone from the back . . . I probably wouldn’t do it though.

How do you retain your sex appeal on the job?
I comb my hair and put on some lipstick and a little makeup. If I’m a little bored and feel kinda sad, I might have a beer.

How often an hour do you think of sex while working at the deli?
Once an hour. I’m too busy to be thinking about sex all the time.  

Interviews by Seb Matthews. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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