Sex Advice From

Sex Advice From . . . DJs

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Just as Warhol said that everyone can be famous for fifteen minutes, Nerve believes that anyone can be a sexpert for at least thirty seconds. This week: DJs.

leighLeigh, 21

What’s the best way to approach someone on the dance floor?
None! Make them approach you! Give eyes from across the room. Also, I’m a big fan of dancing scandalously with all the gay boys. But more often than not, I think that just ends up intimidating a lot of guys. If you don’t have the courage to go grab someone and start dancing, just keep drinking until you do.

Assuming all goes well on the dance floor, how do you transition to your place?
Try to get them somewhere quieter where you can make small talk. Pretend you’re really interested in whatever they’re saying.

Do I, in fact, need to lick it before we kick it?
Ooh! A little lick’s always a nice starter, but no, it’s not necessary. If you’re going to do that to me, you have to follow through and take care of me. Guys who’ll go down a bit and then take off or fall asleep – it makes me want to fucking cut them.

What qualifies as cheating: flirting, kissing, fooling around or full-on fucking?
Everything but flirting is cheating.

Really? Even a little kiss? Like a drunk kiss at a party?
If it’s someone you’re “just sleeping with,” or the relationship has no official status, there’s room for a grey area. But if you have a girlfriend and it’s understood that you’re both monogamous, kissing is cheating.

Well, let’s say I was drunk at a party and I kissed another woman. I still care deeply about my girlfriend and it was a one-time indiscretion. Should I tell her?
First off, you’re a total asshole. Then I think it depends.

On what?
On whether you cry when you tell her.

Under what circumstances should someone fake an orgasm?
If you’re fucking tired. Sometimes that’s easier, because otherwise the guy will feel like he failed, and he’ll want to talk about it when all you want to do is go to bed. But there is long-term danger. If you fake it too often, the person never learns that you’re not really being satisfied. It’s okay as an occasional quick fix, especially with oral.

What’s a no-fail cunnilingus technique?
You’ve got to get your fingers in there. If you’re using your mouth and hands simultaneously, that’s a sure shot.

Pity sex: morally wrong?
I’ve never had it, but hypothetically I would. It would have to be somebody I knew really well, not just some Joe Schmoe who’s down on his luck.

What is not an appropriate sound or statement to make at the moment of orgasm?
Anything that’s cliché. If someone ever said something like, “Who’s your daddy?” I’d pretty much jump out of bed, get dressed and leave. I don’t like when people say “I’m coming.” It sounds like bad porn. It’s nice when someone says your name or if they compliment you. It’s nice to hear “You’re so beautiful” or “You’re amazing.”

How do you coax your friends into group sex?

Take them to a party. Parties are where all these situations should originate. Have a few drinks, get flirty, and then towards the end of the night, when everyone’s feeling good and having fun, just put it out there: “How about we all go back to my place?” Who can resist that?

mattMatt, 29

I’ve cheated on the person I’m dating. I still care about them and it was a one-time indiscretion. Should I tell them?
No, definitely not. Well, I guess it depends. If your dishonesty will hurt the relationship more than your indiscretion, you should tell them. But in most cases, you’ll never live it down.

Should I tell my girlfriend about my wild sexual past?
I think you can allude to it, but it should always be on a sliding scale. The length of time you’ve been dating should be related to how much information you give up.

What if there’s a chance that they might hear about it from someone else first?
You’ll have to launch a pre-emptive strike, which is difficult. But if you know that one of her friends knows that you had a three-way anal extravaganza or something, then you’re going to have to get that on her radar. You don’t have to get specific; these things happen. Just say, “Oh man, back in the day I was a bit crazy sometimes. I’m a totally different person now.”

Under what circumstances should someone fake an orgasm?
I actually have faked it. Only once or twice when things were dragging out and I didn’t want the other party to know. I had gotten to a point where I wanted things to stop, but you can’t really just be like, “Okay, thanks! Well, that was fun, huh?” So I just acted like I’d gotten off. But you can’t overdo it. You can’t all be like, “UH! UH! UH! UNNNNNNNGHHHHHH! YEAH!” ‘Cause then you’ll sound like some weird European male porn star. Those guys always overdo it.

What are some do’s and don’ts for making an X-rated home movie?
Straight up: DON’T DIGITIZE IT. If you have it on your computer, it WILL end up getting out somehow. Leave it on tape unless you want everyone to see it.

What is the oddest thing you’ve been asked to do in bed? Did the way it was asked affect your performance?

In the middle of having sex, a girl asked me to throw her down a flight of stairs.

For real?
No, I totally made that up. Nobody’s ever really asked me to do anything that freaky, but I figured that just wasn’t a very fun answer.

Female ejaculation: myth or reality?
Totally exists, and I’ve seen it more than once in its full geyeresque glory. So fun! It’s pretty much the best thing in the world, I think. It’s like a present. And it’s seems like a pretty amazing experience for the girls. Well beyond anything us guys are capable of experiencing.

geordanGeordon, 21

What’s the best way to approach someone on the dance floor?
The best way is not to approach them. It’s all about dancing in close proximity, but not too close. You’ve got to shoot them a few nice, subtle glances. Try to lure them with your eyes.

Just your eyes, huh?
Well, maybe an occasional pelvic thrust in their direction.

Do I, in fact, need to lick it before we kick it?
Yes, absolutely. You need to get it soft and wet so we can kick it.

I’ve cheated on the person I’m dating. I still care about them and it was a one-time indiscretion. Should I tell them?
Nope. Never. If it was unprotected sex, you should definitely tell them. But if it was a one-time deal and you were safe about it, just keep your mouth shut.

What qualifies as cheating: flirting, kissing, fooling around or full-on fucking?
Full-on fucking.

No elaboration on that?
Nope. No elaboration. No full-on fucking, no cheating. That’s it.

In a long-term relationship, how can you keep sex interesting?
For me, it’s about finding things that aren’t overtly sexual. Things that have to do with sound and textures. For example, I was dating a painter, and if I was nearby when he was working, the sound of the brush on the canvas, running water, him washing his paintbrushes off, pouring the paint out would really put me in the mood. Watching someone you care about do something they’re passionate about – that’s a huge turn-on.

Have you had pleasurable pity sex?
Yes. How about I sum it up in less than ten words? Christian rock. Virgin. Face down, ass up.

What’s the biggest mistake a man can make in bed?
Have dry skin. If someone touches me with scaly hands, that’s just wrong. And actual tongue penetration of the ear. I also hate when someone kisses anywhere above my lips. It’s weird when someone kisses you on the nose. Everything from the lips on down is fine. North of the lips is a no-no.

sarahSarah, 24

What’s the best way to approach someone on the dance floor?
Saunter over to them while making eye contact. But make sure your eyes are half-closed and sexy. You don’t want to be wide-eyed, like, “I’M STARING AT YOU!” Then, when you get near them, just start the dancin’. No words need to be spoken. If you’re nervous, it won’t work. Guys who approach me half-heartedly always end up getting shot down.

How far removed should an acquaintance be before it’s acceptable to fool around with their significant other?
If the person in question is dating one of your friends that you would instant message, I would suggest you don’t hook up with them. But if it’s someone you know through another avenue, like Friendster, you’re in the clear.

So only people on your Instant Messenger Buddy List are exempt?
Exactly. Because you can only fit 200 people on your Buddy List. You figure most people have two or three screen names, so that really only leaves room for 80 to 100 people. If they’re taking up a precious Buddy List slot, there’s got to be some kind of relationship there. But Friendster? Hell, everyone’s on your Friendster list. If I only know you through Friendster, your boyfriend’s fair game.

What’s the best way to get the DJ to come home with you?
Offer to help carry their record bags home. Duh.

Should I tell my girlfriend about my wild sexual past?
No. If they ask you about it, tell them it’s an exaggerated rumor. I make the mistake of telling people I’m with everything. I’ll be like, “Oh man, you should’ve seen this thing! Eleven inches!” That’s probably why I haven’t had a boyfriend in a long time.

Pity sex: morally wrong? Physically pleasurable?
Not wrong at all, especially if you’ve already had sex with the person. If you’ve had sex with a person ten times or more, pity sex is particularly easy. I don’t usually have all that much fun during pity sex, because I come really easily. Seriously, sex doesn’t need to last for longer than two minutes for me to get off and so the guys never believe that I’m done. And then I’m sort of stuck there waiting for them to finish.

What’s the biggest mistake a woman can make in bed?
Not talking dirty to her partner. I used to tell the guy I was dating panty fantasy stories while we were having sex. He loved it.

Panty fantasy stories?
Yeah: “Next time you see me, I want you to bend me over and rip off my panties and take me from behind.”

What’s the biggest mistake a man can make in bed?
Moaning too much. Not taking control. There’s nothing less sexy than a guy who just lays there. Oh, and insisting on more dirty talk. If I’m done with the dirty talk, don’t ask for more.

How do you coax your friends into group sex?
Grab one of the people you want involved — let’s say it’s a girl. Point to the third party — let’s say it’s a boy. Say, “Check out that cute guy. Would you fuck him?” If she says yes, say, “Me too. Why don’t we totally fuck him together?” Then — and most importantly — say, “Promise you won’t be weird about it afterward?” If she promises, you’re all set. Once you’ve got the girl signed on to the project, roping in the boy should be a piece of cake.

What is the best technique to prevent premature ejaculation?
Girls should talk about their weight. That’ll make the boy be like, “Oh, man, this girl’s so annoying,” and it’ll stop him from thinking about how he’s going to come.

Special thanks to the DJs of Mis-Shapes.

Interviews and photos by Brian Battjer.

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