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Sex Advice From Doctor Who Fans

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Nadia, 25

http://nadiachaudhury.com/

What’s the best way to pick up a Doctor Who fan?
Ask who his or her favorite Doctor is. Or, if you could go anywhere and anytime with the Doctor, where and when would it be. (I still haven’t figured out my answer to this.) And take fashion tips from the Doctors: tweed blazers and sneakers win girls over.

What has Doctor Who taught you about dating?
You just have to go with your gut feeling. The Doctor technically isn’t allowed to interfere with events, but he does it anyway, and saves the world. Imagine what you can do.

Like many of the Doctor’s companions, I have a longstanding crush on someone who is totally oblivious. What can I do to figure out if there’s something there or if it’s just time to walk away?
Try going on long-winded rants with a lot of digressions. If she’s hanging on your every word, then you’re in.

What’s the most effective dirty text message I can send to my significant other?
You don’t have to be specific at the beginning. A simple "I want you now" can lead to more revealing texts later. Just don’t use shorthands. Nothing spoils the mood more than "u r 2 hot."

What’s the most overrated location to have sex?
The shower. It’s just awkward trying to get the positioning right.

I caught my girlfriend watching a guy-on-guy porn. Should I talk to her about this or just pretend that nothing happened?
Bring it up, but be prepared to be asked to do something you may not want to do.

The weather’s getting nice and all the ladies are revealing more skin. How can I peek without my girlfriend noticing?
There is no good way. We notice everything.

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Charlie Jane, 37

What’s the best way to pick up a Doctor Who fan?
Tell him/her, "There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea is asleep and the rivers dream; people made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere there’s danger, somewhere there’s injustice, and somewhere else the bed is getting cold." If that doesn’t work, say that the universe depends on your sorting him/her out RIGHT NOW.

What’s the best reason to date a Doctor Who fan?
If they can make sense of all those time paradoxes, they’ll have no trouble understanding your excuses when you screw up.

What has Doctor Who taught you about dating?

That there’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes. Be serious about what you’re doing, but not necessarily about how you do it. And that sometimes, your own hand can be your best friend.

Like many of the Doctor’s companions, I have a longstanding crush on someone who is totally oblivious. What can I do to figure out if there’s something there or if it’s just time to walk away?

There’s only one way to know for sure: bring your ex along for the ride, and if your new crush finds a way to ditch your ex in an alternate universe, then you’re golden.

My girlfriend and I are having house guests for the next two weeks. We normally have very loud sex. How can we keep quiet without abandoning sex completely?
Here’s your chance to try some new sexual techniques! The marsh-savants of Nexus 74 have sexual congress by rubbing their foreheads together, very slowly, for five or six hours. The Nebulons of Andromeda send their genitalia into orbit separately, but the trajectories are carefully calculated so that the two sets of genitals collide just as their orbits begin to decay, creating a single fireball which crashes into the largest artificial body of water (a reservoir would be perfect). Inhale the resulting steam until you pass out. Then there are the Fingerlegs of Proxima V, but perhaps you’re not ready to hear about them yet.

I’m really interested in this girl and she seems ready to take it to the next level. Thing is, I’m a virgin and haven’t told her. How do I bring it up?
The best thing to do is to confess to it along with a lot of other stuff. If you don’t have anything else embarrassing to confess to, then you’ve got much bigger problems than being a virgin. Go commit some gross improprieties and possibly scandalize your girlfriend’s vegetable garden. Best to confess in bulk, really.

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Hannah, 22

What’s the best way to pick up a Doctor Who fan?
Adorn yourself with the longest scarf in the galaxy.

What’s the best reason to date a Doctor Who fan?
My model sonic screwdriver has a vibrator setting.

What has Doctor Who taught you about dating?
Be open to anything. Most life forms afford some level of hook-up potential — even sentient, bipedal trees.

The Doctor can convince a pretty woman to travel with him easily. How can I convince someone I’ve just met to come home with me?
Get them when they’re young. Pick yourself out a local elementary school student and make a BIG IMPRESSION. (Think crawling out of their fireplace to slay the monster under the bed.) The key here is patience. Wait it out for about fifteen years, then casually reappear out of nowhere to start lapping up your share of their sweet, undying loyalty.

Like many of the Doctor’s companions, I have a longstanding crush on someone who is totally oblivious. What can I do to figure out if there’s something there or if it’s just time to walk away?
Contrive as many far-fetched excuses as possible to plant a couple of wet ones on them, make sure whatever shady logic you’ve employed absolves you of any responsibility for your actions, and just stand back and see if your friendship dynamic doesn’t get a little bit sexier.

I’m really interested in this girl and she seems ready to take it to the next level. Thing is, I’m a virgin and haven’t told her. How do I bring it up?
In a long, overwrought speech peppered with numerous pop culture references, you know, to help make you seem a touch less like an ineffectual nerd.

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